Movie Poster A Go-Go: Eight Ball
People worked hard to bring these posters to a theater near you. I will now mock their hard work. It's what I do.
Bratz
The first thing that's readily apparent is that the girl third from the left wants to eat your soul. I don't know about the other ones; maybe they're all soul-eating demons too, maybe not (I'm not really up on the whole Bratz mythology). And another thing... Movie Studio, do you really want to invite subtle, sexual implications to a movie about teen girls by using the phrase "Out of the box?" Maybe I'm just a big ol' perv, but don't be surprised if you find your screenings attended by an unhealthy mixture of tweens and guys who smell like Doritos, body odor and loneliness who want very badly to sit next to the tweens. Furthermore, I'll probably never get an opportunity to say the word "tweens" again so, one more time: Tweens! It's a fun word to say!!!
28 Weeks Later
Love the poster, but then again I'm a fan of anything "quarantine-y." Don't know about the movie it's self, though. I mean, zombies are always a welcome presence on my movie screen, don't get me wrong, and I was as big a fan of it's predecessor, 28 Days Later, as you're likely to find. Still, I was fairly happy with the way the original movie ended (the grim version, not the happy version) and I don't really think that a sequel is, you know, entirely necessary as such. This, though, is coming from the guy who's had a perpetual movie-boner ever since he heard Die Hard 4 was coming out, so take this opinion with a fuckload of salt.
88 Minutes
The poster's text is written in French and, despite claims in earlier posts, my French is pretty weak. So I'm not real sure what's going on in this movie. I'm assuming that Al Pacino has 88 minutes to do... something. Perhaps put out the camper fire behind him. Perhaps start more camper fires? There's even the possibility that the camper fire is just a red herring and the plot of the movie concerns his 88 minute dash across town to get to the dry cleaners before they close. That doesn't explain the gun he's holding, of course, but we can chalk that up to the movie simply being set in a bad neighborhood. East St. Louis, maybe? Baltimore? My money's on Pacino shooting his dry-cleaner before it's all over with. Also, he probably yells a lot, because he gets paid by the decibel (or so I hear).
Black Sheep
Heh... heh heh... heh... Killer sheep are awesome! Yeah, this is kind of a crappy, photoshop-y poster but, dudes, c'mon. A few dozen killer sheep will cover a multitude of graphic design sins. This is playing at the Tribeca Film Festival next week (which I just happen to be covering for the magazine thankyouverymuch) and I will be at the screening, come hell, high water, snotty festival employees or whatever. I never knew that I had such a burning desire to watch a sheep eat someone, but here we are.
License To Wed
Oh, John Krasinski how could you?!?! You're on The Office, dude, and you're brilliant! Do you hate your fans? Do you hate your career? Because choosing to do a comedy with Robin Williams and Mandy Moore is the same thing as participating in a snuff film. Oh... god... are the producers of License To Wed holding your family hostage? Because that's the only thing that makes sense. John, blink once if you or your family is in danger. Remain calm; try not to throttle Robin Williams when he breaks out the Elmer Fudd impression that we all got tired of in the early 90's. Help is on the way!!!
Evan Almighty
You too, Steve Carell? You too? Fuck, man... someone needs to check The Office studios for asbestos because the cast is starting to show symptoms of moderate brain damage.
Bratz
The first thing that's readily apparent is that the girl third from the left wants to eat your soul. I don't know about the other ones; maybe they're all soul-eating demons too, maybe not (I'm not really up on the whole Bratz mythology). And another thing... Movie Studio, do you really want to invite subtle, sexual implications to a movie about teen girls by using the phrase "Out of the box?" Maybe I'm just a big ol' perv, but don't be surprised if you find your screenings attended by an unhealthy mixture of tweens and guys who smell like Doritos, body odor and loneliness who want very badly to sit next to the tweens. Furthermore, I'll probably never get an opportunity to say the word "tweens" again so, one more time: Tweens! It's a fun word to say!!!
28 Weeks Later
Love the poster, but then again I'm a fan of anything "quarantine-y." Don't know about the movie it's self, though. I mean, zombies are always a welcome presence on my movie screen, don't get me wrong, and I was as big a fan of it's predecessor, 28 Days Later, as you're likely to find. Still, I was fairly happy with the way the original movie ended (the grim version, not the happy version) and I don't really think that a sequel is, you know, entirely necessary as such. This, though, is coming from the guy who's had a perpetual movie-boner ever since he heard Die Hard 4 was coming out, so take this opinion with a fuckload of salt.
88 Minutes
The poster's text is written in French and, despite claims in earlier posts, my French is pretty weak. So I'm not real sure what's going on in this movie. I'm assuming that Al Pacino has 88 minutes to do... something. Perhaps put out the camper fire behind him. Perhaps start more camper fires? There's even the possibility that the camper fire is just a red herring and the plot of the movie concerns his 88 minute dash across town to get to the dry cleaners before they close. That doesn't explain the gun he's holding, of course, but we can chalk that up to the movie simply being set in a bad neighborhood. East St. Louis, maybe? Baltimore? My money's on Pacino shooting his dry-cleaner before it's all over with. Also, he probably yells a lot, because he gets paid by the decibel (or so I hear).
Black Sheep
Heh... heh heh... heh... Killer sheep are awesome! Yeah, this is kind of a crappy, photoshop-y poster but, dudes, c'mon. A few dozen killer sheep will cover a multitude of graphic design sins. This is playing at the Tribeca Film Festival next week (which I just happen to be covering for the magazine thankyouverymuch) and I will be at the screening, come hell, high water, snotty festival employees or whatever. I never knew that I had such a burning desire to watch a sheep eat someone, but here we are.
License To Wed
Oh, John Krasinski how could you?!?! You're on The Office, dude, and you're brilliant! Do you hate your fans? Do you hate your career? Because choosing to do a comedy with Robin Williams and Mandy Moore is the same thing as participating in a snuff film. Oh... god... are the producers of License To Wed holding your family hostage? Because that's the only thing that makes sense. John, blink once if you or your family is in danger. Remain calm; try not to throttle Robin Williams when he breaks out the Elmer Fudd impression that we all got tired of in the early 90's. Help is on the way!!!
Evan Almighty
You too, Steve Carell? You too? Fuck, man... someone needs to check The Office studios for asbestos because the cast is starting to show symptoms of moderate brain damage.
posted by Clinton at 8:56 AM
23 Comments:
Yes. I'm a bit concerned about The Office cast as well.
Perhaps we should stage an intervention.
If I'm not mistaken.... He has 88 minutes to stop his own death..... or something
Lioux... Excellent; I've been working on my brainwashing techniques.
Scott... Hmm. No. I'm going to stick with my dry-cleaning theory on this one. I think it's pretty solid.
I wonder how long 88 minutes is?
Is it like the film version of 24?
I'm going to guess that's 89 minutes long, but they titled "88 Minutes" because it looks better on the poster.
Robin Williams is at the top of my "People Who I Wish Would Retire" list.
I agree, but only from comedy. As far as him acting in dramas is concerned, I'm all for it. I just the other day watched The Night Listener and he, as well as the movie, was fantastic. If he'd just stick to serious roles, I think everyone would love him again. But, clearly, that's not going to happen; he enjoys doing his shtick too much.
Clinton - thats true. Have you ever heard the beard theory that states any movie he is in and plays a character with a beard, is a good movie?
Black sheep! Available to Americans! Hooray!
I look forward to this like those crazy people look forward to the midnight screenings of Rocky Horror
Jeff... I haven't heard that theory before, but it's definately accurate. He's very much a beard actor.
Cordelia... Oooh, are you going to dress up like a sheep?!?! Because that would be awesome!
Baa Baa.
I'm pretty sure that sexualizing those tweens was exactly what the (most likely old, male) movie producers were going for. I think that's what those Bratz dolls look like too. Like Nicole Richie bobble-head-style, big head, big eyes, pinner body, low-slung jeans, thong-protruding, type crud.
Jerks.
Black Sheep... I'm glad you commented here because I'm been meaning to ask you something for a while: Have you any wool?
Colleen... That's gross. It bothers me greatly now that my 12-year-old stepsister plays with these things. Must remember to buy her some books for Christmas.
Books? Do kids still read them?
I assume so. As long as they're EXTREEEEEEME!!!!
I think I have something like 3 bags.
Full.
As far as Black Sheep, I mean no one can play those roles better than Farley and Spade... what's the point?
Black Sheep... That's not nearly enough, I'm sorry.
Midwesterner... But Spade, speaking on his behalf as well as on the behalf of the Farley estate said he was totally cool with it. Well, actually, what he said was, "I need money for more drugs!!! PLEEEEEEASE!!!!!"
Bratz? More like Whorz.
'He has 88 minutes to stop[prevent] the perfect murder.
I'm going to comment on Bratz because as an elementary school teacher I will have to listen to little girls blab on about it for months.
Girl A clearly thinks she's all cute and shit, but if you could see below her neck you would notice that she has tiny boobs and chunky calves. She is in for a rude awakening when realizes she is not the prettiest girl at the junior college next fall.
The second girl is a horrible actress. I can tell because she actually is really pretty, and if she had any talent at all she would be in a better movie.
The girl on the right looks like a Guatemalan orphan awaiting a visit from Operation Smile to fix her sunken eye.
I have no evidence other than my own imagination, but I bet these are all the same girls who played Brit's road trip companions in Crossroads.
Big Daddy... Heh. You said "Whorz." Give it ten years and that will be a real toy line.
Wife... God, I pity you for the amount of nonsense you'll have to put with regarding this movie's existance. You should pull a Half Nelson and start smoking crack now, just to cope.
Half Nelson was kind of depressing.
That's what I've heard. It actually just got to my house via Netflix yesterday, so I look forward to being totally bummed out this weekend.
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