Bath Shame

Last night, for the first time in at least fifteen years, I took a bath. Which isn't to say that I haven't bathed in fifteen years, of course... I'm just one that takes his daily cleaning ritual standing up, shower-style, preferably with ridiculously hot water and enough energy to belt out a few show tunes while I wash my hair (Hair, incidentally, is a popular selection for mid-shower singing).

Anyway, the reason I bring it up is that, while soaking in the tub, I suddenly realized that I was filled with shame. Like, we're talking real embarrassment here. I sat there, red-faced, considering the bar of soap and hoping to God (or whomever) that no one I knew would suddenly come barging in, camera at the ready, to document this humiliating situation I'd gotten myself into.

Why all the fuss? Because baths are for girls.

Or at least that's what popular opinion would have me believe. And, truthfully, I think the popular opinion is dead on with this one. Taking a bath is... well... kinda girly. It implies stress relief and candles and big frothy mounds of white bubbles while the Indigo Girls or possibly Tori Amos play softly in the background. Also, baths imply sweet-smelling fragrances that most men wouldn't be caught dead smelling like; it really is hard to have one without the other.

Now, before I go any further, note that I had a perfectly good reason to be in a bathtub last night. Actually, it's the only acceptable reason for a man to take a bath: Injury. Due to my aforementioned foot pain, coupled with the basic rigors of walking for three days straight while being out of shape and overweight, the lower half of my body is pretty fucked up. Sore, blistered, cramped and over-taxed, my legs feel like they've been attacked by a group of thugs, viciously and repeatedly. With bats, even.

Thus, a soothing bath. And I have to admit, it felt damn good. Except for the shame part, which I guess there's just no getting over.

My larger question here is this: How does something like baths become "A Girl Thing" all of a sudden. Is it entirely the fault of movies and TV? Because I know for a fact that I've seen Clint Eastwood playing a cowboy having a nice, relaxing soak. Maybe, for me at least, it's because the girl I'm most often around, Girlfriend, takes a lot of baths (she likes to read in the tub) and, therefore, I associate bath-taking with her and, by proxy, all things girly. Whatever the case may be, I think it's time that we men reclaim bathtime; move it back to neutral, everyone-is-invited territory where it really does belong.

Baths shouldn't be just a girl thing. They should be "A People Thing." If for no other reason than it's hard to drink a glass of whiskey in the shower without the aid of a sippy cup. And that right there is "A Baby Thing" of which we will have no part. So lets get in the tub, men (not altogether, unless you're into that sort of thing). It may feel wrong at first; we've got a lot of stereotyping to get over, for sure. But eventually you'll just go "Aaaaaaahhhhhh."

Oh, also, someone should contact Old Spice about making a bubble bath just for us. Something butch.