Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Changing My Vernacular

Here are some words and phrases that I'd really like to eliminate from my daily life, mostly due to gratuitous overuse:


I don't know where this one started, but it's been a boil on my verbalizations since I was in High School. It's not like I'm from a beach area or anything, nor did I frequently keep company with surfers during my formative years.Yes, I have lived in the Southern California area, but this "dude" business started way before that unfortunate circumstance came to pass. It's gotten so bad that my mother has had to tell me that she's not my "dude," and it takes every ounce of fortitude I posses to not say "Yeah, dude, I've got your invoice processed" to the various people I have to deal with at work. Mainly, though, I want this word gone because it makes me look like an idiot and, believe me, I don't need any additional help in that area.


Okay,this is a direct result of me being born in the South and, when I'm back home, it flies just fine. Here, though, in the unfriendly North, it's going to eventually be responsible for a diner waitress applying her knuckles to my eye sockets until I weep blood. I assume. Anyway, calling women "hon" is just so... condescending, I guess. Also sexist. And I'd really like to think that I'm neither of those things.

"Anyone got any gum?"

This isn't, strictly speaking, a verbiage issue. However, it is something that I say so regularly, my co-workers are beginning to send me anonymous hate mail. See, I have a pretty large and frightening addiction to gum, mints, breath strips, etc. I'd call it an oral fixation, but I'm waaaay to immature not to giggle at that term. It's just that when I've gone to the trouble of buying my own mints, gum, breath strips, etc., I have a tendency to eat them all as rapidly as possible, usually within an hour or so of their purchace. Then I drink more coffee. And there I sit, mintless and with skanky breath, damning myself for my mint consumption and begging up and down the aisles of the cubicles like a leper. My options here are to either stock up on said products at Costco, or just eliminate the phrase entirely, forcing me to just shut up and deal with it. I choose the latter, as I don't want my teeth to rot out (any further).

"That's what SHE said!"

I'm not a thirteen year old boy any more, therefore, this is a phrase that's just got to go. Except that it is really, really funny. Hrm... may have to consider keeping this one in. THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Yeah, we're keeping that around a little longer.


Anonymous Scott H. said...

I actually made an announcement at the bar the other night that due to my slight obsession with "The Office" I was officially bringing "Thats what she said" back into my everyday vocabulary. It jsut works on so many levels!!!

10:42 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Yeah, that's one of those things that's just never going to get old. Just like fart jokes.

10:44 AM  
Anonymous Giggleloop said...

"Your mom" is my "that's what she said". When deployed properly, it always gets a laugh.

I'm also really bad about the dude thing, but only with my husband and my brother. But I don't really call people "dude", I just add it onto the beginnings or ends of sentences, such as "Dude, what the hell?" or "What the fuck, dude?"

12:43 PM  
Blogger Colleen said...

Yeah...pretty much all of my speech is some kinda crazy vernacular/catch phrase/slang/abbreves/slur/antiquated word/other annoying word variation. It's too entrenched to fix at this point. There's only one rule: the beau & I cannot call each other "dude."

1:15 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Giggleloop... I use "your mom" great effect as well, but not enough to where I feel people are starting to hate me for it.

Colleen... Oh, believe me, I don't expect to ACTUALLY eliminate these words/phrases from my vernacular. I'm way too lazy for that. I'd just like to, is all.

1:29 PM  
Blogger C.R. III said...

RE: Not calling your significant other "Dude". Along those lines, I used to work with a guy who would call his wife "Buddy". Granted, these were two incredibly asexual individuals, but still..."Buddy"? At the same workplace, there was another guy (late 50's) who would call his girlfriend "Sexy Grandma" (in BABY VOICE) when he talked to her on the phone.

Those are just two of the most egregious offenders and, I think, a very compelling argument against "bullpen-style" work environs. Ugh.

2:37 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Well... maybe... his girlfriend really WAS a sexy grandma. That wouldn't make it better, exactly, but it'd at least be a reason. Because otherwise, I'm vomiting right now.

2:50 PM  
Blogger Ms. C said...

I have to add that calling my teenage, primarily black students dude is not only unprofessional, but may get me shanked.

However, I refuse to stop.

I gotta be me!

(And apparently I'm a dude)

4:19 PM  
Anonymous mmyers said...

During Christmas, I was using my debt card at the local hipster music store. I was using my smaller version of my card. The college kid working the register said, "Small card" when I handed it to him. I explained that 'my larger one stopped working so i ahd to switch to my smaller one." He said, "That's what she said.", which was hilarious to me, then immediately looked embarassed because I'm an old dude. yep.

10:51 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

I would have bought that man a beer, had I been there. Truly a clerk on my brainwave.

11:27 AM  
Blogger Ruth said...

Perhaps I am suggesting the obvious, but have you tried keeping a toothbrush in your desk? Extra bonus --brushing your teeth at work keeps you from drinking on the job, b/c toothpaste makes most alcohol taste like ass. . . .not that I would know or anything. . .

9:42 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

That's what we call "Way To Easy," there, Ruth. Not my style; I'd rather just whine.

2:22 PM  

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