Thursday, February 08, 2007

Conjugal Visit: THE UPDATE

Last month, if you'll remember, we were talking about conjugal visits. You can re-visit the post if you'd like, but my basic point was that they were probably really gross and just about the unsexiest place on Earth to get down with your respective partner outside of a live battlefield. And even with the battlefield, there's at least the drama of bullets to get your motor running, as it were (check out this movie for a vivid depiction of what I mean).

Anyway, turns out, I'm an idiot. Or, at the very least, misinformed.

Today is the day that my friend of a friend (FOF) is having her conjugal visit with her husband and it couldn't be farther from the torture-chamber-in-Hostel-esque experience that I had envisioned.

How I Was Wrong About Conjugal Visits:

NOTE: This is based entirely around this specific situation; I don't know what prison he's in, nor do I know what level of security it is. However, I'm assuming that it's probably minimum, given the evidence. Also, my information is admittedly second-hand, but I feel it's entirely reliable. Take that as you will.

1. The conjugal visit is for three days. That's right, three full days and nights.

2. They get a state-provided apartment adjacent to the prison grounds that's theirs for the duration. It comes equipped with a bed, TV w/cable, a full kitchen and even laundry service, which automatically makes it a better deal than my apartment in Brooklyn.

3. FOF is allowed to bring food. Like, boxes and boxes of food so that they can cook their own meals, have plenty of snacks, etc. Yes, the food is thoroughly searched by the guards before it's allowed into the room, but... still. FOF is also allowed to leave whenever she wants to restock supplies, should the need arise.

4. The only guard interaction with the couple is a camera on the apartment's only door, and two "headcounts" a day; one in the morning, one in the evening. Otherwise, they're left to their own devices.

So there you go. Not exactly an hour in a dank, fetid closet with a dirty mattress and a guard on the other side of the door, as I had previously assumed it would be. It seems downright pleasant, actually. Certainly better than some of the dates I've been on. At any rate, I hope they have a good time and that they absolutely fuck each other's brains out (pretty much a given). They've been apart for a long time and they deserve a little happiness, no matter what your thoughts on the rights of a criminal happen to be. They're still humans in love and that, end of the day, is all it is.

6 Comments:

Blogger Beehive Hairdresser said...

This still seems kind of gross.

11:52 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

I guess. Still... way better than I'd imagined.

3:32 PM  
Blogger i like cheese said...

I think it's been a while since I've gone on a proper vacation...because that set-up sounds pretty sweet. ha!

4:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm looking for a job this summer. Do you have to actually be in a relationship with the convict? Cause that sounds pretty sweet. I can cook and do that other stuff too, for a fee.

10:55 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

I found this out last night; you actually have to be married, not just in a relationship, to be granted a conjugal visit. FOF and her husband got married while he was in jail specifically for that purpose.

8:45 AM  
Blogger threetoedsloth said...

CABLE and LAUNDRY?? I don't have either of those things at home! My stove doesn't even work! That's it, I'm goin' to prison!!

2:56 PM  

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