Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Things To Do In NYC While Sick

So I'm sick as all hell right now. Head full of snot, hacking cough that's got TB victims offering me some Ludens, and a low-grade fever that hasn't started cooking my brain yet, but probably will as soon as the DayQuil wears off. So, in that spirit, and because I need something to distract myself from the pain of the packed broken-glass that's lining my nasal passages, here's some...

Things To Do In NYC While Sick

-Take your flu-addled brain for a walk down St. Marks. As your vision swims, all the punks and goths will blend together in a multi-hued canvas of pretty colors and poorly-hidden acne scars. Soon you'll be drifting in a sea of hallucinatory imagery that makes Yellow Submarine look like My Dinner With Andre.

-Create train delays. Time the peak of your illness with rush hour, then ride around on the subways until you pass out. If you're going to have to suffer through a cold, shouldn't everyone else in the city be miserable too?

-See what it's like to throw up in cab while sober.

-Place your forehead on the shiny, cool steel of the Statue of Liberty's foot. You'll experience a swelling in your heart (that's freedom, Mister) and a drop in body temperature (also freedom, but the kind that makes your fever go down). The police might try to arrest you though, so be prepared to use your last ounces of energy for a ferry dash.

-Try out all the weird and exotic herbal remedies that you can find in Chinatown. Along with a potential cure, you may also find the secret to the 4-hour erection. Or you could just eat a lot of dried fish parts and go home still all phlegmmy. Either way, Chinatown's fun.

-Hang around outside the posh nightclubs that would never let you in. When pretty people come out, cough on them. It will make you feel better than any decongestant on the market.

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