Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Gerald Ford IS James Brown???

Gerald Ford and James Brown died within days of each other, thus proving my long-held theory that they are the same person. Sure, there's some fairly elaborate make-up and prosthetics at work here, but I think that if you examine the facts, you'll uncover a hidden truth so shocking, it would make a bullet turn in mid-air or cause a man to "jump back, now." Herewith, the evidence:

-James Brown sang that it's "A man's world... but it takes a woman." Gerald Ford agreed with the song's sentiment, though he could have done without the last part. And would have preferred it sung in the style of a Christian hymn.

-Gerald Ford served as a member of the JFK-assassination-examining Warren Commission, even coming up himself with the controversial "magic bullet" theory. James Brown routinely threatened to shoot any and all "fuckin' Irish" with his magic shotgun. Brown also once performed in Dallas. (do you have chills yet?)

-Noted comedian Chevy Chase portrayed Gerald Ford in a series of much-beloved SNL sketches in the early 70's. Due to the pratfalls and physical comedy required of him, Chase became addicted to pain-killers. This was a subtle reference to both Gerald Ford AND James Brown's own addictions to pain-killers, which came about due to the pratfalls and physical comedy required of them while doing their impressions of noted comedian Chevy Chase.

-Gerald Ford's wife, Betty, was a notorious alcoholic whose illness eventually led her to found the Betty Ford Clinic, a venerable rehab center. James Brown has his own Express Lane at the Betty Ford Clinic and considers Betty Ford to be "one helluva hard-drinkin' lady." Also of note: Gerald Ford and James Brown had sex with Betty Ford. There's video to prove this, but it's been "suppressed." Because it is "disgusting."

-Gerald Ford and James Brown, despite both being famous, have never been photographed together, nor have they even been seen in the same room. Damning evidence, especially when you consider that they both, at times, were responsible for running our country and performing soul music.

So there you have it; Gerald Ford and James Brown are clearly the same person. Especially when you've been drinking.

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