Tuesday, December 19, 2006

The Ghost of Videos Past

Had a slip from the post office in my mailbox last night informing me that I had a package waiting at my local branch. So I trudge down in the freezing-ass cold, wait in a line longer than the one for the last choppers out of Saigon, and once outside, I open the box to see what I've got. It's this:

What? Exactly. Now, being me, I've seen Frankenhooker (it was a heavy rotater on the early 90's Cinemax) before so it's not the movie it's self that's shocking. It's the note enclosed that says, essentially:

Hey, sorry it's taken me so long to get this back to you. Love, SANTA!

Now, what you need to know here are three things:

1. I haven't seen or, really, even thought about the movie Frankenhooker since I was probably 18 or so. It's not a very good movie, for one thing; it's not even "so bad it's good." It's pretty much just bad.

2. I haven't owned a VCR in about 5 years. I've moved around way too much to keep one and all of my VHS tapes (except for a few rarities) have either been given away to friends or left at whatever apartment I was moving out of when I needed to lighten my load.

3. I don't... technically... remember ever owning Frankenhooker in the first place.

After reading the letter, a weird, Twilight Zone-ish feeling washed over me. Was I being contacted by the Dark Side? They'd be smart enough to know that the fastest way to break down my resolve and bend me to their will would be to tempt me with trashy 80's horror. Everyone on the street began to look sinister. Shadows jumped out at me from alleyways and dogs growled menacingly. The sky clouded over and rained blood. I fell to my knees and began to pray in Latin.

Then I realized that I sort of recognized the handwriting.

I called my friend Joel in a panic, rousting him from his bed with my weeping, pungent fear. Was it you, Joel? Please... say it was you...

"Um... yeah. I just found it the other day. So I sent it to you. Dude, let me go back to sleep."

Okay, so not the most dramatic of endings. What do you want from me? Real life isn't that exciting. Oh, and all of that stuff with the raining blood and the dogs didn't really happen. I added that for "flavor."

So... anyone want to watch Frankenhooker?


Blogger Jonathan T said...

Dude, I'm so there.
Saw this on Wikipedia...please tell me it's true, otherwise I will feel so disenchanted: "However, "Frankenhooker" is perhaps best known for its unique interactive VHS cover box. When the subway lamp post was pressed by the customer, the box spoke back the line, "Wanna date?" from the film."

4:47 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

This is, in fact, entirely true. The video store that I used to work at had one of those and it's pretty much the coolest VHS box I've ever seen. Sadly... very sadly... this is not the VHS copy that I have. Because I am lame.

7:45 PM  
Blogger Tracy Kaufman said...

What I think is the funniest part, is the idea that Santa borrowed your copy of Frankenhooker! And that he loved it so much, it took him years to return it!

10:42 PM  
Blogger Joel said...

What's funny is that I never watched it. After reading some of this, now I kinda wish I had. I don't even remember when you loaned it to me, but I remember you swearing that it was awesome. Anyway, I was cleaning out a whole bunch of crap and I found some old VHS tapes. I remembered that one was yours. I didn't want to give it to Goodwill because, let's face it, they might have not been super-excited about that kinda donation.... And I felt bad throwing it away... So I felt like the best course of action was to send the beast back from whence it came. =]

11:12 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Sloth... Santa does, in fact, love the Frankenhooker. Frankenhooker replaced Blitzen a couple of years ago, but no one knows about it because it's too much trouble to change the song.

Joel... Goodwill would have loved Frankenhooker as much as Santa.

11:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The way to solve this, of course, is for Clinton to screen "Frankenhooker" on New Years Eve and invite over Joel to watch! Drunken hilarity will ensue, and we'll all get to hear the story on New Years Day... or whenever the hangover wears off. :)

9:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I only vaguely remember Frankenhooker. Wasn't she made from pieces of other hookers? Isn't it about time they did a remake of it with Jessica Alba?

12:29 PM  

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