Rating The Bonds
Sean Connery
The man who started it all; excellent blend of wit and grit; could fill out a tux better than just about anyone; wore a blue-terrycloth beach ensemble in Dr. No without dying from shame; was a man's man; was a ladies man despite looking like someone's uncle who works in the English Department of a small liberal arts college; went on to a prolific career in films; was also Indiana Jones's Dad.
Rating: 5 out of 5 Golden Guns
George Lazenby
The Pete Best of Bonds; only lasted one movie, On Her Majesty's Secret Service, which would have been one of the best Bond movies ever... had it starred Sean Connery; not bad as Bond, just bland; has continued to work, though not in anything you'd care to see; was originally born in Australia... so that's something... interesting... I guess...
Rating: 2 out 5 Razor-sharp Bowler Hats
Roger Moore
The most prolific of the bonds, though that's not exactly a good thing when you consider A View To A Kill; turned James Bond from a ruthless secret agent into a quipping, tuxedoed cad; got lots of octopussy; Speaking of Octopussy, at one point in that film he was disguised as a clown; that pretty much sums up how far the series had fallen by then; a lot of people consider him to be a better Bond than Connery; they are wrong; was way better in the old BBC series The Saint so check that out instead.
Rating: 3 1/2 out of 5 thunderballs
Timothy Dalton
The miscast Bond; had the charisma of a tuxedo-wrapped 2x4; ironically, was the closest to Ian Fleming's Bond as written in his novels, which proves that Fleming's version of Bond was boring; actually is a good actor and has been in several movies and TV shows that prove this; unfortunately was also in The Beautician and the Beast with Fran Drecher.
Rating: 1 out 5 Aston-Martins
Pierce Brosnan
A great fit for the role, though the guy who played Screech on Saved by the Bell would have been looked upon favorably after Timothy Dalton; looked sharp in a tux; was saddled with the worst scripts of the entire Bond series, however he did get the best stunts; was forced to pretend to take Denise Richards seriously as a nuclear physicist; very suave; a lot of people consider him to be a better Bond than Connery; they are wrong, though not by much.
Rating: 4 out of 5 Goldeneyes
Daniel Craig
The new, edgy Bond; fantastically dark; fills out the tux damn fine; remained dignified and manly while being nut-tortured; the first Bond to actually look dangerous; handles the fighting and action sequences just as well as the dramatic acting sequences; has only appeared as Bond once to date and people are already considering him to be a better Bond than Connery; they are wr... well... they may have a point; Daniel Craig + a new creative direction = a saved franchise.
Rating: 5 out of 5 shaken, not stirred, martinis
Barry Bonds
An obvious steroid abuser; was never technically James Bond; wouldn't save the world even if he was because he's always too busy telling reporters that he's the greatest; fantastically whiny; most people wish he'd just go away; they are correct.
Rating: 0 out 5 anything-you-pleases
The man who started it all; excellent blend of wit and grit; could fill out a tux better than just about anyone; wore a blue-terrycloth beach ensemble in Dr. No without dying from shame; was a man's man; was a ladies man despite looking like someone's uncle who works in the English Department of a small liberal arts college; went on to a prolific career in films; was also Indiana Jones's Dad.
Rating: 5 out of 5 Golden Guns
George Lazenby
The Pete Best of Bonds; only lasted one movie, On Her Majesty's Secret Service, which would have been one of the best Bond movies ever... had it starred Sean Connery; not bad as Bond, just bland; has continued to work, though not in anything you'd care to see; was originally born in Australia... so that's something... interesting... I guess...
Rating: 2 out 5 Razor-sharp Bowler Hats
Roger Moore
The most prolific of the bonds, though that's not exactly a good thing when you consider A View To A Kill; turned James Bond from a ruthless secret agent into a quipping, tuxedoed cad; got lots of octopussy; Speaking of Octopussy, at one point in that film he was disguised as a clown; that pretty much sums up how far the series had fallen by then; a lot of people consider him to be a better Bond than Connery; they are wrong; was way better in the old BBC series The Saint so check that out instead.
Rating: 3 1/2 out of 5 thunderballs
Timothy Dalton
The miscast Bond; had the charisma of a tuxedo-wrapped 2x4; ironically, was the closest to Ian Fleming's Bond as written in his novels, which proves that Fleming's version of Bond was boring; actually is a good actor and has been in several movies and TV shows that prove this; unfortunately was also in The Beautician and the Beast with Fran Drecher.
Rating: 1 out 5 Aston-Martins
Pierce Brosnan
A great fit for the role, though the guy who played Screech on Saved by the Bell would have been looked upon favorably after Timothy Dalton; looked sharp in a tux; was saddled with the worst scripts of the entire Bond series, however he did get the best stunts; was forced to pretend to take Denise Richards seriously as a nuclear physicist; very suave; a lot of people consider him to be a better Bond than Connery; they are wrong, though not by much.
Rating: 4 out of 5 Goldeneyes
Daniel Craig
The new, edgy Bond; fantastically dark; fills out the tux damn fine; remained dignified and manly while being nut-tortured; the first Bond to actually look dangerous; handles the fighting and action sequences just as well as the dramatic acting sequences; has only appeared as Bond once to date and people are already considering him to be a better Bond than Connery; they are wr... well... they may have a point; Daniel Craig + a new creative direction = a saved franchise.
Rating: 5 out of 5 shaken, not stirred, martinis
Barry Bonds
An obvious steroid abuser; was never technically James Bond; wouldn't save the world even if he was because he's always too busy telling reporters that he's the greatest; fantastically whiny; most people wish he'd just go away; they are correct.
Rating: 0 out 5 anything-you-pleases
posted by Clinton at 9:40 AM
3 Comments:
I have never seen a Bond movie. I am a depraved child.
Black17... what's funny is that my girlfriend, too, asked why Gold Bond powder wasn't on the list. I told her that if I were to add Gold Bond, then I'd have to add Bond-All adhesive. Which would only lead to the induction of Gary "U.S." Bonds. And then the entire list would just devolve into a post about bondage. And I don't want to go there.
crimsonking... Get thee to a video store post haste!!!
Josh... you're totally right; I just noticed that that pic is from the video game. In my defense, it was very early when I wrote this. And I was drunk. Because drinking in the morning is what I do on vacations.
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