Sunday, November 26, 2006

Rating The Bonds

Sean Connery

The man who started it all; excellent blend of wit and grit; could fill out a tux better than just about anyone; wore a blue-terrycloth beach ensemble in Dr. No without dying from shame; was a man's man; was a ladies man despite looking like someone's uncle who works in the English Department of a small liberal arts college; went on to a prolific career in films; was also Indiana Jones's Dad.

Rating: 5 out of 5 Golden Guns

George Lazenby

The Pete Best of Bonds; only lasted one movie, On Her Majesty's Secret Service, which would have been one of the best Bond movies ever... had it starred Sean Connery; not bad as Bond, just bland; has continued to work, though not in anything you'd care to see; was originally born in Australia... so that's something... interesting... I guess...

Rating: 2 out 5 Razor-sharp Bowler Hats

Roger Moore

The most prolific of the bonds, though that's not exactly a good thing when you consider A View To A Kill; turned James Bond from a ruthless secret agent into a quipping, tuxedoed cad; got lots of octopussy; Speaking of Octopussy, at one point in that film he was disguised as a clown; that pretty much sums up how far the series had fallen by then; a lot of people consider him to be a better Bond than Connery; they are wrong; was way better in the old BBC series The Saint so check that out instead.

Rating: 3 1/2 out of 5 thunderballs

Timothy Dalton

The miscast Bond; had the charisma of a tuxedo-wrapped 2x4; ironically, was the closest to Ian Fleming's Bond as written in his novels, which proves that Fleming's version of Bond was boring; actually is a good actor and has been in several movies and TV shows that prove this; unfortunately was also in The Beautician and the Beast with Fran Drecher.

Rating: 1 out 5 Aston-Martins

Pierce Brosnan

A great fit for the role, though the guy who played Screech on Saved by the Bell would have been looked upon favorably after Timothy Dalton; looked sharp in a tux; was saddled with the worst scripts of the entire Bond series, however he did get the best stunts; was forced to pretend to take Denise Richards seriously as a nuclear physicist; very suave; a lot of people consider him to be a better Bond than Connery; they are wrong, though not by much.

Rating: 4 out of 5 Goldeneyes

Daniel Craig

The new, edgy Bond; fantastically dark; fills out the tux damn fine; remained dignified and manly while being nut-tortured; the first Bond to actually look dangerous; handles the fighting and action sequences just as well as the dramatic acting sequences; has only appeared as Bond once to date and people are already considering him to be a better Bond than Connery; they are wr... well... they may have a point; Daniel Craig + a new creative direction = a saved franchise.

Rating: 5 out of 5 shaken, not stirred, martinis

Barry Bonds

An obvious steroid abuser; was never technically James Bond; wouldn't save the world even if he was because he's always too busy telling reporters that he's the greatest; fantastically whiny; most people wish he'd just go away; they are correct.

Rating: 0 out 5 anything-you-pleases


Blogger Black 17 said...

Good calls, all. Heard good things about the new guy. Whatever that last one was with Halle Berry was one of the worst pieces of crap I've ever had the displeasure of watching. Good to hear that Bond is worth saving beyond being the impetus for some pretty great video games. Assumed Gold Bond is so universally acceptable from a party-in-pants point of view that it didn't need a mention.

12:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have never seen a Bond movie. I am a depraved child.

7:19 PM  
Blogger Josh said...

clinton! that first connery picture has to be from the videogame, right? and that barry shot is like 12 years old! For shame!

7:55 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Black17... what's funny is that my girlfriend, too, asked why Gold Bond powder wasn't on the list. I told her that if I were to add Gold Bond, then I'd have to add Bond-All adhesive. Which would only lead to the induction of Gary "U.S." Bonds. And then the entire list would just devolve into a post about bondage. And I don't want to go there.

crimsonking... Get thee to a video store post haste!!!

7:56 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Josh... you're totally right; I just noticed that that pic is from the video game. In my defense, it was very early when I wrote this. And I was drunk. Because drinking in the morning is what I do on vacations.

7:57 PM  

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