Friday, November 17, 2006

The Junk-Food I've Consumed This Week

Doritos Blazin' Buffalo & Ranch



First off, you don't pair Buffalo Wings with Ranch dressing. That's like drinking a martini made with whiskey or brushing your teeth with soap; the fundamentals are the same, but you're just making things more unpleasant than they need to be. Everyone knows that Bleu Cheese dressing is the one true God of Buffalo Wing-land and so it shall always be, forever and ever amen. But, because I'm egalitarian about my snack foods we'll let that slide and judge the snack on it's own merits. The verdict: Lame. Never have I felt so betrayed by a chip (and believe me, I've been hurt before). The closest these get to the vicinity of Buffalo Wings is a mild heat; nothing worth pulling out your Scoville chart or anything, but there's a tiny kick. Flavor-wise, they taste exactly like Doritos Salsa chips with maybe a light dusting of whatever flavor powder they put on the Doritos Cool Ranch chips. Just not going to cut it, Doritos. And I had such high hopes for these guys. Sadly, the festive blue packaging contains nothing but wasted potential and broken dreams.

Dark Chocolate M&M's



Now we're talking. Dark Chocolate, to me, has always been the sexy, older woman of the candy world; it's that girl you date right after college that's ten years older than you, drinks a lot of Jack Daniels and saw The Cure when they toured behind "Disintegration." Dark Chocolate M&M's are an idea on par with the two of you getting all dressed up and going to the fanciest restaurant in town. She's wearing the make-up and the perfume, but it's only a sweet candy shell; it can't hide the smoky, almost bitter chocolate underneath. I suppose that the empty bag you're left with when you've finished all the M&Ms represents the memories you'll always have when you move back to the girls your own age and she hooks up with a biker named Knuckles. If we want to extend the metaphor that far. Which we don't. Because it's just candy, dude.

Rock Star Energy Drink



I have such a love/hate relationship with Rock Star. It's foul-tasting, like sweat and cocaine mixed with a half-bag of sugar and then carbonated. I wouldn't drink it on my own time. But at my job, which is mostly about as exciting as watching your fingernails grow, it's an essential tool to make it through the long sprint from nine to five. You know that friend you hate because he's really annoying and has bad breath, but who you still hang out with because he's got a car and is always willing to drive your ass around town? That's Rock Star Energy Drink. A pain in the ass, but an necessary one.

6 Comments:

Blogger Black 17 said...

Brilliant. The M & M part especially. You read Tom Robbins at all?

Also, for my money, Charleston Chew is the unsung hero of Candyland.

Most underrated pop candy? Baby Ruth. Funny in Caddyshack, great in mouth.

Honorable Mentions: $100,000 because it's a number and represents what was a lot of money when Michael Jackson rocked a glove and Don Johnson ruled Miami. Also Mounds because it's shamelessly coconut when there's so many haters, and sounds very feminine.

8:23 PM  
Anonymous Shawn Honnick said...

Agree on the Buffalo/Ranch mistake by Frito Lay. All they've done here (as they always do) is mix up some of the seasonings to get incremental sales on a "new" flavor. This one is the habenero mixed with cool ranch. And it sucks.

12:11 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

You know, I'd originally thought it was the Salsa flavor they were using, but you're absolutely right... it's the Fiery Habanero.

Bastards.

7:41 AM  
Anonymous mmyers said...

When I was a lad, they came out with cheddar and bacon Cheetos. They were fantastic. I imagine them probably tasting horrible now though, now that I have the tastebuds of an old man. Can't get too crazy with the flavors.

4:44 PM  
Blogger stantonandorchard said...

i tried those doritos and they were really kinda disgusting. usually i'm a huge fan of anything doritos, but the ranch flavor tasted a bit...weird.

kinda like, ever tried that Snapple Apple Pie drink? i think it had some kind of milk product in it along with apple juice to give it that 'crust' taste. just not enough science in the world to get it right.

9:22 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Yes! That Snapple Apple Pie stuff was horrid! There are some things that just aren't meant to be drunk and apple pie is, apparently, one of them. I do, however, forgive Snapple for their sins because of the Orchard Peach flavor they put out. I could chug that stuff by the barrel.

10:01 AM  

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