Grand Theft Uh-Oh!

I'm not what anyone would call a "smart" man. I mean, I know my way around a Trivial Pursuit board and, every now and again, I can be called upon to make astute observations on movies, music and the occasional bull-riding competition, but, by and large, I've not ever been mistaken for the drawer's sharpest knife. Truthfully, I'm fine with this. People seem to like me anyway (I give them money) and I'm told that the ladies really dig a guy who reminds them of Curly from The Three Stooges.

However, there are times when I do wish that I possessed just a few ounces more of the brainy stuff. Times when I do things so crossways with common sense and intelligent behavior that it actually makes the people around me slap their foreheads in disbelief. This is the story of one such moment:

So my girlfriend and I were having a pleasant afternoon in the West Village; wandering from quaint shop to quaint shop, smelling candles, looking at overpriced records, etc. As we were heading back to the subway, we happened upon a street vendor hawking a table-full of books, incense and assorted DVDs. We stopped to look and, during my browsing, I discovered a copy of the PS2 game Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. I've been actively lusting over this game for over a year now; an old roommate of mine owned it and we (the game and I) had a hot n' heavy affair for many months until said roommate moved out, cruelly taking the game with him. I asked the street vendor how much for the game and he said, "Eight dollars."

Now, here's where any right-thinking person would immediately say, "Eight dollars? For a well-liked video game? Being sold on the street? This seems too good to be true and, therefore, it is. No sir, I do not want to be cheated out of my eight dollars today. Thank you very much."

I, on the other hand, thought only, "Eight dollars!!! Whatta deal!!! I'm the luckiest man in New York Town!!! Oh happy day!!! Here sir, take my money and a million blessings on your family!!!" Now, I did give the disc a cursory look-see. No scratches, no blemishes, it wasn't a piece of baloney with the words "Grand Thetf Ahto" written on it... to me, it looked like found gold. So I handed over my cash and walked away a joyous man.

Until I got home. And the game didn't work. After pounding my PS2 and grunting at it like an ape, my girlfriend came in and offered to take a look (she's way, way smarter than I am and I'm always happy to have her watch my back; she reads books, for real). After glancing at the disc for about three-tenths of a second, she pointed to the label and said, "You know this is a sticker, right?" She then proceeded to run her fingernail across the surface of the disc, revealing the blank CD-R beneath it.

My heart dropped. My stomach sank. My brain went, "Huh?"

Yes, I paid eight dollars for a blank CD-R with a Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas sticker on it. And, yes, I feel powerfully dumb for having done so. However, it did come with a genuine Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas game case and all the manuals and maps therein. And no amount of stupidity can take that away from me.

Now, all this writing is making my head hurt. Need go lie down. Take nap. Nap good.