Fireworks For Your New Enjoyment

Wandering through the streets of Chinatown, woozy from too many eggrolls and disoriented by the smell of dead fish, you're bound to buy a bunch of illegal fireworks accidentally, especially this time of year. But it's cool because Chinatown always has the best illegal fireworks that are right off the boat, new to this country, just wanting the chance to work and maybe, one day, own a small deli on the outskirts of Queens where they can overcharge for Snapple and be suspicious of black people. To wit, the newest fireworks on cheap cardtables below Houston Street (original package copy left intact, for freshness):

The Super-Fire Deluxxxe: Create a beautiful shower of white sparks in nighttime sky. Ha! Fooled You! They really white-hot pieces of your car's windshield. We stole your car!

Rad Exterminator 3: Blooms of gold, blue and green. A ninja appears. Not in the sky. Behind you. Your dead and you heard nothing.

So Crazy Night Flower Explozion: The prettiest ecstacy of marginal colors. Tan! Grey! Manilla! Your firework party so boring and no one likes you. I date your wife!

For Fun!: Smell that? It's chicken that you exploded. Tasty inthe sky as it rains down like heaven's tears. It burns so bad because it's hot!

Princess Nikimoto's Lovesplosion: Colorfullness pops in four seperate colors to form little girl from school in night sky. Police come then. You so dirty for looking at little girl! Prevert!

Thanking You, American: It's red, white and blue. See how pretty it shimmer. While you look, we take all your jobs to our China. We cheaper there. You poorer now. We win, we win, we wine!!!