Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Late-Nite Knuckle Sandwich

In early December of 1977, during an on-court brawl at an NBA game, Kermit Washington leveled a swinging roundhouse blow to the head of Rudy Tomjanovich which connected with such ferocity that it fractured his skull in a few places, seperated his face from the bones behind it, and damaged his neck so badly that spinal fluid actually began to run out of his mouth. When Tomjanovich recovered, eventually, he said that his last thoughts that night were that he was positive a scoreboard had fallen on him. The punch was a catalyst for change in the NBA; on-court behavior was put under a microscope and the penalties for fighting were dramatically increased. Within this era of reform, the careers of Larry Bird and Magic Johnson began, effectivly announcing the death of the old way and the birth of the new. Never in history has a single punch been so galvanizing, so affecting, so... important.

I'm reminded of this incident because last night, around 4am or so, I kinda sorta punched my girlfriend in the face. What happened was, I was sleeping fairly soundly (a rarity in and of it's self) when I felt her stirring next to me. I was facing away from her, towards the wall, and decided to roll over to perhaps get some late night snuggle action. Keep in mind, I was still about 75% asleep. As I rolled over, my left arm slung around, dead weight, and accidentally... ACCIDENTALLY... connected with Em's cheek. She, being asleep herself, was awoken and moaned a bit of a wounded "Ow." I, still asleep because apparently inflicting bodily harm on someone isn't enough of an alarm to wake this guy up, mumbled some apologies and immediately went back into my snooze.

What's weird is that, somehow, NBA commissioner David Stern has gotten wind of the incident and is now imposing stricter regulations on player interactions in my bedroom. Also, Kermit Washington has been suspended for a whole season, even though he's been retired for 30 years. When told of this, Stern said, "Well, we're going to suspend him just to be on the safe side." He made air quotes around the words "safe side" then he arched an eyebrow and folded his arms until all of the reporters that had gathered began to disperse.

Anyway, all of that is basically a way of saying this... Emily, my love, I'm sorry I sleep-punched you. My bad. I'll try to be more mindful of that. If you'll stop fouling me on my jump shot.


Blogger Braden said...

Funniest thing you've written in nigh-on a fortnight. To celebrate, the Admiral's serving drinks in the Galley. HE STRONGLY SUGGESTS YOU HAVE SOME SHERRY.

12:48 PM  

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