Thursday, January 03, 2008

Japanese Vending Machines: A Pictorial

NOTE: This post is in no way intended to be an attack on the Japanese culture. They are a rich, vibrant people with many things to offer our global community in the areas of art, commerce, and historical context. However, they also put a lot of wacky crap in vending machines and, frankly, we here at ZFS! just can't let that slide. So, on with it...

Toilet Paper Vending Machine

At first glance, this seems like a fairly practical vending machine to have around. People do poop after all, and they don't always have the luxury of doing it in the privacy of their own homes where the stock of toilet paper is plentiful and always at arm's reach. But here's what's weird about this... where are these people pooping that doesn't already have at least a small stock of toilet paper? Is it like an automatic, pay-toilet kind of thing where you have to drop some coin before you drop brown and that's how they make sure you pony up? And if so, what if you need more tp than your allotted ration? Then you'd have to squeeze your cheeks together and waddle over with another two bits to procure some more, and that's absolutely no fun (I assume). All in all, this seems like a heart's-in-the-right-place-but-ultimately-misguided proposition. Unless of course you're just blasting out behind a building somewhere. Then I guess it would beat wiping your butt with stuff you've dug out of the trash.
Rhino Beetles Vending Machine
What? Okay, so according to my research (that's right, research; I do it occasionally to avoid work), Rhino Beetles are extremely popular pets for Japanese children and, I guess, that's reason enough for them to be sold for a few Yen out of a robot on a street corner. Whatever, different strokes for different cultural backgrounds. What worries me about all of this is, like, what if the research is wrong... what if that's just what they want us to think? The Japanese, and not that there's anything wrong with this, but we all know that they eat a lot of weird stuff. These are the folks that dig on poisonous blowfish, after all. So what if these Rhino Beetle stands are actually... snack machines??? Too gross to think about, but also kind of cool in a sci-fi/horror sort of way.
Egg Vending Machine

I say again, "What?" Why eggs? Is the need for eggs in Japan so strong that they have to keep fully-stocked robots on every street corner, always at the ready to dispense a fix to whatever albumen junkie happens to wander by? If it were up to me, there would also be a vending machine for shredded cheese, a vending machine for diced ham, a vending machine for chopped onions and peppers, and then a coin-operated burner and pan combo, all lined up along the street. The people in the neighborhood would call it The Denver Omelet District and the rent on all the apartments would be "Deliciousness."
Liquor and Beer Vending Machine
Now we're talking. Best thing about this? Variety. There's like thirty different kinds of boozy goodness in there, and it's all crap we've never heard over here in the states. Ginger-Wasabi Shooters, holmes! My only question about this beautiful, beautiful machine is this: How do they keep schoolkids from cleaning these fuckers out? Is it just because all Japanese kids are well-behaved and do exactly as they're told? Because if this is an "honor system" situation, then it totally blows my mind. They couldn't have that in the states. There would have to be an armed guard standing next to it, 24/7. I know for a fact that my friends and I from High School would have spent our entire lives saving up loose change to pour into this wish-fulfilment robot, then we'd probably have tried to have sex with it. Because that's how we rolled back then. Always having sex with any and all available robots. Good times... good, painful-to-my-penis, times...
"Used" Schoolgirl Panties Vending Machines

This should have a large boxing glove on a spring that pops out and decks whomever is nasty and sad enough to actually cram their sweaty money into it's Yen acceptor. I mean really... is there anything worse than this? Okay, the Holocaust, but that's only a maybe. They have to know that it's not real "schoolgirl odor," right? It's just some kind of chemical spray that they douse each pair of drawers with. Basically, the people who buy these (at 80$ a go, no less) are getting their rocks off to science nerd's lab experiments that they sloshed all over some size-small cotton. Way to make your entire country look like a guy jerking off in the Merck & Co. parking lot, Japan!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

fuck who would buy used underwear, fake or not, from a vending machine? or from anywhere really? that's just sick and sad.

funny post, though!!!!!!!

12:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As for the beer machine I can tell you that at least out here in the boonies of northern Japan there is no apparent supervision over them or the cigarette machines. Additionally, they even incorporate a vending machine-like aspect into the mall food court. Some restaurants have a machine with buttons and little pictures of the food (very helpful for us gaijin) and it spits out a ticket that allows you to claim the food when it is done. All part of the grand plan to eliminate all human contact.

8:58 AM  
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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Apparently,used panty machines were outlawed in 1993. Something about not being able to sell secondhand goods in a vending machine. Some still exist but, most vending machines you see like this are carrying brand new underwear nowadays, not used ones. I'm sure you can still buy that stuff online tho and from what I've heard, the girls make quite a killing selling the things. Thats seriously gross tho. :(

11:47 AM  

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