Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Thoughts On Legs & The Short Man

Yesterday, the world's smallest man (seated) and the woman with the world's longest legs met in London to help promote the soon-t0-be-released 2009 edition of the Guinness Book of World Records. Thoughts...
-This probably says a lot about me and how I'm gigantic perv but, seriously, how is he not looking up her skirt right now? Were I a tiny dude posing under a freaky tall lady so everyone in the world could look at me and go "WTF OMG BBQ," I'd at least take the opportunity to enjoy the view. Of her crotch, I mean, just in case I wasn't clear. Anyway, I'd like to think that this is the only photograph taken of this particular pose where he is actually facing the camera. All the others show her smiling and him smiling too, but for entirely different reasons (crotch).
-After they got done taking pictures, they went off together to fight crime. Don't tell me that's not true... it HAS to be true. They're called Legs & The Short Man and their adventures are the stuff of legend amongst people who are sick of Batman and all his broody, angsty bullshit. Iron Man saw them foil a bank heist and crapped his armor from jealousy. Spider-Man tried to help them this one time but they gave him a wedgie and he puked up a web while crying. Superman won't fuck with them either, but that's because he doesn't exist. Doye.
-I'm not really a "leg man" anyway but if I were I think hanging out with this lady would get me over it kind of like how your dad made you smoke a whole pack of cigarettes after he busted you behind the shed with a stolen Marlboro. Even the THOUGHT of a cigarette after that made you want to hurl and it would be the same thing with her. Your girlfriend would come in wearing shorts and suddenly you're all nauseous with the spins and you're freezing but sweating. And then she gets her feelings hurt because, um... what were you doing hanging out with some long-legged hussy anyway? Your girlfriend loves you and you're off getting sick of legs somewhere... dude, that's not cool.
-Do you think his buddies are ever tempted to just hurl him across a field like a Nerf product? Especially if, say, they're trying to pick a restaurant to go eat at and everyone is cool with TGI Fridays, but he's all "no, TGI Fridays has shitty Southwestern Eggrolls and that's ALL I'm in the mood for so let's go to Chili's," throwing off major 'tude for such a little guy (short-man's disease, ya know). I think the urge to just fling his ass into a ditch would be too powerful to resist. Particularly since all subsequent retaliations could be easily suppressed with a pair of quality shin guards.
-There was an interview with a representative from Guinness (the book, not the beer) (sadly) who made a big deal about how, "the Guinness Book isn't about making fun of freaks" and isn't a "carnival sideshow attraction." I'm paraphrasing, of course, but that's basically what he said. Then he made the little guy dance in a monkey costume for french fries and he collected nickles from the audience because if he got enough nickles, he promised to make the long-legged chick have sex with the funny, tiny man and he'd throw the nickles at them. Then it's back to the cages. Oh and both the silly, small man and the crazy-limbed lady are for sale!!! Prices are insane!!!


Blogger jason quinones said...

Legs and The Short Man's crime fighting spree came to an abrupt halt by the like of Jake and The Fat Man.

Jake ran off with Legs to some dingy back alley pub and The Fat Man (obviously) ate the short guy!

9:57 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Looking up would only have resulted in an even more humiliating photo than the one he was forced to pose for. Which would have been okay with me.

9:57 AM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

afterwards,Legs convinced The Short Man to come back to her room for a nighcap whereupon she got him drunk on a thimble of Jaegermeister and then proceded to use his entire body as a dildo!

he hasn't been seen since.

10:00 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...

Hmmm...If you look closely...The Short Man®™©™ MAY be holding a mirror.

But maybe he just uses that for his cocaine.

10:38 AM  
Anonymous JustinS said...

I love the validation I get from your blog. Without it, I'd start to worry that I might be a little unstable.

Soon as I saw that picture, my first two thoughts were:

1) Look up, damn it! Look up!
2) I wonder how far I could throw that guy.

Then, there was the disturbing third thought:

3) OMFG she just shot that thing out on the street like a fat lady on a toilet...

11:12 AM  
Blogger Sonny Amou said...

Someone needs to Master/Blaster these carnies.


7:42 PM  
Blogger Subway Gal said...

OMG, I totally thought the same thing when I saw this picture!! It's kinda unnatural that he's not looking up her skirt, actually.

11:27 PM  

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