Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Arbitrary Rulings 18 (Colors Edition)

Red - It is every guy's favorite color because a woman in red underwear, standing in the bedroom door with a smile on her face and a bottle of BBQ sauce in her hand (or however YOU spice up your sex life), is the greatest thing on the planet outside of your team winning the World Series or a woman naked with the BBQ sauce and the beckoning as she whispers, "let me slather it on, big boy." Mmmm... I can taste the hickory flavor now... the hot, fuckable hickory flavor...

Black - You may have noticed this already from the numerous pictures I've posted of myself during the two-plus years of ZFS, but I'm sort of a tubby dude. Seeing as that's the case, I wear black clothes a lot because black makes me look like a marginally less tubby dude and thus I have the confidence to freely socialize amongst my peoples and not think that everyone is staring at my horrifying, wiggling gut as I'm trying to tell a joke, say, or strategically position myself next to the part of the buffet with all the dips. Black is also good for hiding dip stains, grease stains, and for fighting the power.

Orange - Is there anything more refreshing than a tall, ice-cold glass of freshly-squeezed orange juice first thing in the morning? Especially when you dump half of it out and fill the glass back to the top with vodka and then drink it really fast with a straw and suddenly you're hurling biscuits out your kitchen window and seeing how many scrambled eggs you can fit into your boxer shorts before you die from laughing. The afternoon hangovers can be rough... particularly if you miss the trash can with your bright, orange barf... but that's the price you pay for an awesome brunch that voids your security deposit and gets you thrown in jail wearing only your eggy, eggy boxers.

White - Not a good color at all. I mean, you can't wear anything white because ketchup and salsa and lipstick all exist and might conceivably come in contact with your body and then what, huh? Then what? You've got a blortch of color on your fine, white shirt and it's pretty much ruined unless you want to go to all the trouble of bleaching it and, trust me, YOU DON'T. Not worth the hassle. Oh, also, white people are pretty much the cause of every problem that's ever existed since the dawn of time. So, yeah, there's that too.

Blue - An excellent choice in hair color if you like a lot of loud music that makes parents write letters to Congress, but generally blue is just a wonderful, soothing shade. Why do you think all our jeans look the way they do? Because Levi Strauss knew that the world was becoming a mean, awful place, so he dyed all the pants he sold blue so everyone would be walking around with mellow, calming legs diffusing situations and relaxing society's knotted muscles like those Japanese massages where the girl stands on your back. Dude should get a retroactive Nobel Peace Prize for all the wars not started because right at the tipping point, people looked below their waist, saw blue, and ended up talking out their troubles over some pizza and pop.

Purple - There's this restaurant in Austin called Baby Acapulco's (Baby A's to the locals) and they have this Purple Margarita there that they'll only let you have two of in one sitting. And believe me, two is enough... after one, your enchiladas start talking to you and you feel like you're floating five or six inches out of the booth. Drinking your allotted second Purple Marg will briefly grant you the ability to see through time and space. It's fun to check out what dinosaurs were like and to see all the Greek myths but for real, however it IS kind of lame to wake up two days later in a hospital bed with all your family members standing around you scowling and wishing you weren't such a raging, embarrassing, purple-stained-mouth drunk.

Green - Minty! Also lime, I guess, and sour apple occasionally, but mostly it's the only flavor that can help you get laid. Because chicks dig minty breath way more than, say, Cool Ranch Doritos breath or that funky, sour breath you get after you've chugged a half-gallon of your roommate's milk to get the taste of stale beer out of your mouth because you've got a date and haven't heard of toothpaste since you left home for college. Which is why, no matter what happens to our economy, the Tic-Tac market will always be booming like a P.O.D. song.

Pink - People think this is a "girly" color and is really only appropriate for ten-year-old princess parties with strawberry cake and punch so sweet it can kill a diabetic at thirty paces if the wind is just right, but no... pink is actually the most manly color around. BECAUSE people take it at such a femme slant, being a straight dude rocking a pink dress shirt jams the whole thing back up everyone's ass all fuck you butch-style, bringing the whole thing around to "stud" and leaving all those little girls in tiaras and mom's minks out crying in the rain. Pink, we men have reclaimed you!!! Also, pink is the color of vaginas and vaginas... I think we can all agree... are just so awesome.

Yellow - Here's where this post could go off the rails a bit because the only colors left are yellow and brown and, given the scatological places to which this blog has been known to stray, it's pretty obvious where I might be heading with this. UNLESS... maybe I've grown up all of a sudden. Maybe I've decided to zag when you think I'm going to zig, outwitting you guys with talk of sunshine and daffodils and slices of lemon cake all golden and tasty in our mouths crying yellow... YELLOW... yes, God, it's bright and clear and smells like sharp Springtime and we are mature at ZFS at last!!!

Brown - It's the color of poop!!! HA HA HA AHAHA HA HAHA HA AHA POOOOPP!!!!

14 Comments:

Blogger Midwesterner in NYC said...

Don't forget, Donald Trump wears pink all the time ... so ... well, I am not sure if that is a positive or a negative.

9:59 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...

Colors make rainbows.

I like rainbows.

They attract unicorns.

11:12 AM  
Anonymous JustinS said...

Pooooooooop!!!!!

11:42 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Midwesterner... It's a positive, but only because I hope one day he'll give me lots of money.

Lioux... You know what ELSE attracts unicorns? Heroin.

Justin... I know, right?

1:25 PM  
Blogger Lioux said...

Ummm.

Doye, Clinton.

I just posted the new Sister Kisser®™©™ CD Artwork.

It features a unicorn skull.

1:38 PM  
Anonymous DrunkBrunch said...

Shit, red turned me on. If a guy showed up at my door holding a bottle of BBQ sauce and said he wanted to love me up, I'd show him the true definition of "pulled pork."

1:57 PM  
Anonymous wishmewell said...

two poop jokes in three days!
excellent week!

3:04 PM  
Blogger Subway Gal said...

I'm very intrigued by this purple margarita. They sound even more potent than the ones at El Rio Grande. Hmmmmmmmmmm do you think Baby A's would send some margaritas to me here in NY? Is that even legal?

3:55 PM  
Blogger Ross said...

I would like to hear your thoughts on periwinkle. If nothing else, it is fun to say.

Try it.

4:40 PM  
Blogger ML said...

"You know what ELSE attracts unicorns? Heroin."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5im0Ssyyus

also, This purple margarita ... does it have ... absinthe in it? because that would be FUCKING AWESOME. and I plan to drink it...

7:31 PM  
Blogger ML said...

oh and the link -- you have to watch the WHOLE THING (if you haven't yet seen it)

7:32 PM  
Blogger kharr1001 said...

I knew green was my favorite color for some reason.

10:16 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

"the hot, fuckable hickory flavor..."

That, right there, is why you should be doing marketing for Kraft's Open Pit.

11:11 PM  
Blogger Lioux said...

OMG!!!

I LOVE CHARLIE THE UNICORN®™©™!!!

11:14 AM  

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