Monday, September 22, 2008

Five Ugly Outfits From The Emmys, or, "C-Dog Suddenly Cares About Fashion When He's Stuck For Blog Ideas"


You know what's SO sexy? Four foot tall Latina chicks with plasticky, air-brushed skin that makes your sister's Barbie doll look like a living, breathing woman with hopes and fears and dreams and wishes. And if you want to increase said sexiness to the moon and back, make sure she's wearing a dress made out of tinfoil that lost it's will to live and, hey, slap a bow on there that screams, "your present this year is SKANK!" Can you imagine taking that thing off of her at the end of the night? And the make-up, too? Blech, getting her ready for bed must be like taking apart a stolen car mixed with stripping the paint off your parent's old sun porch after years of neglect.


The whole Grandma Discovered The Goth Movement thing isn't hideous, per se... it's confusing and silly, if anything... but what's really unacceptable here is the gigantic golden crown sitting atop her 80's perm like she's the Queen of Acting because she killed Michael Douglas's bunny that one time. Lady, look, we all love you... you've been around forever and I bet you could kick Meryl Streep's ass in a fight... but you're taking ostentatious accouterments and cramming them so far up our asses, we can taste hairspray. Dial it down a notch... a tiara or something. Maybe some barrettes.


It's cool that some of the attendees at the Emmys bring along the foreign exchange students that are living with them for the semester. Dieter really enjoys all the "big time Hollywooded stars, yes, my friend" and it'll be a night of great memories for him to cling to after he's back in Romania, working at a sausage factory, dreaming of the USA, and how for one night... he was SOMEBODY.


If you have shoulders like an Olympic volleyball player and aren't talented in the least, you might want to do something about it so your two biggest flaws aren't accentuated for the world to see (and mock). For the former, wear something with a scooped neck that creates an optical illusion which diminishes your hulking, athlete upper-torso. And for the latter, well, maybe you should consider moving to a small town somewhere in West Texas and working at a Dairy Queen for awhile. You'll like it! You'll be the prettiest one there and maybe you can have sex with a cowboy! Well, whatever you decide to do, you should make SURE we don't notice your lack of talent by never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever being on TV again.


Christ, is she a vampire's wet dream? Or is she some kind of Criss Angel magic trick that makes it look like she's got nine miles of neck swaying precariously on a bag of bones wrapped in robin's egg blue? Because either way, guys with throat fetishes are putting this picture on their bedroom wall for a little target practice, ifyaknowwhatImean (hitting the jugular is a bullseye). But seriously, she's like something from the Mos Eisley cantina got a job on a show about spend-freak psychos that make men want to jump crotch-first into a pig pile of running chainsaws and weedwackers and whatever else their uncle had in the garage.


Blogger jason quinones said...

she's actually a 4 ft tall latina chick.

a latino chick would imply she's tucking back her cock n' balls between her legs.

which she well very might be.

i don't know her that well.

4:09 PM  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

that is quite a neck but your description of it is the necklace I envision around it.

4:43 PM  
Blogger stew said...

She's a guy. A shellacked, high-maintenance guy in a tinfoil dress.

She should donate herself to hurricane relief because the foundation that's on her face would cover the zits and undereye circles of the entire population of hurricane-ravaged Galveston.

What -- too soon?????

8:08 PM  
Blogger Subway Gal said...

Wow, I didn't notice it before, but now that you point it out, Lauren Conrad does have shoulders like an athlete!!, though I would go with linebacker instead of volleyball player. Why was she even at the Emmys? And why, oh why, was she a presenter?!?! With the hotness that is David Boreanaz! You poor, poor, hot man. You are too talented to have been paired with her.

8:53 PM  

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