Wizards, Rides, Indifference
In an effort to separate more parents and desperately lonely college Freshmen from their money, it was announced yesterday that J.K. Rowling will be turning her Harry Potter franchise into an amusement park. (Sigh). I fully recognize that I'm the only person in America who could give a crap about the Harry Potter books as a whole, but, to the rest of you, I ask this: What with Six Flags and Disneyworld and Knott's Berry Farms and all, is there really a need for another over-priced theme park in the world, popular magical twelve-year-olds or not? I mean, I enjoy strapping myself into a fast-moving car that's connected to a large, twisty metal structure as much as the next guy, but... c'mon.
Anyway, because regardless of my feelings towards the enterprise I'd still like for them to give me lots of money, I've come up with some suggested rides and attractions for their excuse to charge 12$ for a corn dog...
Harry Potter and The Magical Theme Park Adventure
NOTE: I've seen the first and second movies in the series. That's all. All other knowledge of the subject has been gleaned from pop-culture osmosis and from my various friends who won't shut up about it.
Fantastical Flying Broomstick Adventure - Riders are tied to a broomstick. Nothing happens, as broomsticks do not possess the power of flight in real life. Lessons are learned about separating fact from fiction.
Wizards and Crap: Live!!! - Some wizards come out and do some crap. Live.
That Red-Headed Friend Of Harry's Quite Exciting Carousel - It's a carousel. What more do you want? We taped some pictures of that red-headed kid all over the damn thing. It's "themed" now. Look, just give us some money and ride it.
The Hermione Challenge - All male, over-30 fans of the Harry Potter series are challenged in a game show environment to convince the audience that they've never, ever had sexual fantasies about the underage Hermione. Winners retain a little bit of their dignity. Losers get hauled away by the cops.
Dumbledore's Magical Potion Laboratory Of Wonderment - It's actually a bar.
Remember That One Kid Who's A Total Dick To Harry All The Time... "Drano," Or Something... Yeah, Well, He's A Rollercoaster Now - Features three loops, high speeds and a pervasive feeling that you're wasting your life.
Alan Rickman's "Remember When I Was In Die Hard" 3-D Experience - A visibly intoxicated Alan Rickman talks about how he was the bad guy in Die Hard. In 3-D. It's a four-hour movie, but you can leave anytime you want.
Batman: The Ride - We know it's not Harry Potter, but we got it really cheap. Just pretend that Harry Potter fights Batman. Or don't. Whatever.
Anyway, because regardless of my feelings towards the enterprise I'd still like for them to give me lots of money, I've come up with some suggested rides and attractions for their excuse to charge 12$ for a corn dog...
Harry Potter and The Magical Theme Park Adventure
NOTE: I've seen the first and second movies in the series. That's all. All other knowledge of the subject has been gleaned from pop-culture osmosis and from my various friends who won't shut up about it.
Fantastical Flying Broomstick Adventure - Riders are tied to a broomstick. Nothing happens, as broomsticks do not possess the power of flight in real life. Lessons are learned about separating fact from fiction.
Wizards and Crap: Live!!! - Some wizards come out and do some crap. Live.
That Red-Headed Friend Of Harry's Quite Exciting Carousel - It's a carousel. What more do you want? We taped some pictures of that red-headed kid all over the damn thing. It's "themed" now. Look, just give us some money and ride it.
The Hermione Challenge - All male, over-30 fans of the Harry Potter series are challenged in a game show environment to convince the audience that they've never, ever had sexual fantasies about the underage Hermione. Winners retain a little bit of their dignity. Losers get hauled away by the cops.
Dumbledore's Magical Potion Laboratory Of Wonderment - It's actually a bar.
Remember That One Kid Who's A Total Dick To Harry All The Time... "Drano," Or Something... Yeah, Well, He's A Rollercoaster Now - Features three loops, high speeds and a pervasive feeling that you're wasting your life.
Alan Rickman's "Remember When I Was In Die Hard" 3-D Experience - A visibly intoxicated Alan Rickman talks about how he was the bad guy in Die Hard. In 3-D. It's a four-hour movie, but you can leave anytime you want.
Batman: The Ride - We know it's not Harry Potter, but we got it really cheap. Just pretend that Harry Potter fights Batman. Or don't. Whatever.
posted by Clinton at 8:54 AM
42 Comments:
you're just picking on harry potter because your jealous that someone else is successful and not you
your stupid blogs not funny so fuck you
Is "anonymous" referring to Harry Potter being successful or JK Rowling?
I'm confused, yet impressed with his eloquence.
Yeah, nothing like a well thought out argument, huh? I'm going to assume that today is the first day of Anonymous's internet privleges at the special needs home and he or she was just over-excited by all the pretty colors.
Clinton: I don't think you're particularly funny either, but I can at least puncuate words correctly. Your opinions on Harry Potter (among other things) are typical hipster nonesense and generally the norm for the blogosphere as a whole.
And yet, I continue to read your blog regularly, so what does that say about me?
Clinton - I don't recall so much negativity in your comments section before. I guess you really hit a nerve with your Harry Potter indifference. As for me, I can't wait to read the wacky drinks or "potions" menu at Dumbledore's Magical Potion Laboratory Of Wonderment
Wow what happened here? Of all the topics you have found the one that divided the nation.
I have to admit, I have never read the books and I have seen about 10 minutes of all the movies combined when I happen to see them on cable.
I am a proud, sort of, Harry Potter fan. i have read all the books and I'm one of the geeks that pre-ordered the final book the day the release date was announced.
As I've said before, I am also a conservative christian. Obviously, these are all views that we differ on. Yet I still find Clint to be very funny... always have (I've known him since junior high)
What I dont understand is the general public's inability to laugh at themselves when their personal views are challenged or mocked.
Get over yourselves people... you are not that important and most people dont care what you think!
Um, I'm 29 and had one of those so wrong it must be...wrong, stirrings in my loins when I saw the latest Potter display with Hermoine on it. She's all growed up...and pretty hot!
Cue Barry White and let's warm up the magical wand.
You are not alone! I am bored to death by Harry Potter and magic-themed entertainment in general. But Husband says I have to read them all if I am going to teach 3rd grade. And also I have to pretend to like them because Mother-in-Law loves them and she doesn't know I'm a proud Muggle.
Husband will be on his own when the kids want to go to Harry Potterama or whatever it's called.
Hey there,
I stumbled into this blog and happen to read your entry.
Mr Clinton, You can say whatever you want about that new amusement park but please don't bring Alan Rickman into your rant.
I don't think it's fair for him.
The man is a great actor and you're being ignorantly rude.
Regards,
Marlina.
Reminds me of the ire I raised by voicing that Panic At The Disco was overrated.
Meh. Harry Potter doesn't float my boat. Saw the first movie, and that was enough.
I liked Alan Rickman in 'Dogma'.
Banjo... Obviously it means you have a crush on me. Can't say I blame you. Also, you spelled "nonsense" wrong.
Jeff... Just one of those days, I guess.
Midwesterner... Well obviously Harry Potter is more important to our nation's internet users than Iraq or gay marriage. As it should be.
Scott... I know, right? I can't believe anyone takes me, *ME*, seriously. For real, I don't know shit. Thanks for gettin' my back, yo.
Jonathan... Hey dude, all I ask is you check the ID first.
Wife... Tell Husband, from me, that he's a dork. A dork I love with all my manly heart, but a dork nonetheless.
Marlina... I'm going to go ahead and assume that Alan Rickman can handle a light joshing at his expense, but I'm sure he'll be glad to know he's got someone out there ready to defend his honor at a moments notice.
Marlina obviously missed the post a few weeks ago when we discussed the fact that any movie with Alan Rickman is automatically better due solely to his presence.
Cute of her to get defensive though!
No, I read your blog because I like to get all perspectives on life, even those that I think are stupid.
And saying that I have a crush on you, even if you were "joking," means that you're a pig.
Did anyone notice what "Marlina" spells backwards?
A-l-a-n-r-i-c-k-m-a-n
Im on to you Rickman...I mean "Marlina"!!!!
Also, will "banjo" be at happy hour? SOunds like a fun person.
Big Daddy... Panic At The Disco are lame-o.
Scott... Totally. Alan Rickman's the fucking man.
Banjo... Um, thanks for reading? I guess?
Midwesterner... Dude, it's just like the Da Vinci Code!!!
Midwesterner 2... God, I hope not; he or she would probably try to make out with me and I sooo don't need that.
he or she would probably try to make out with me and I sooo don't need that.
Yeah I got that sense as well. Im not really into the PDA, even when it is true love like what you and "banjo" have.
Mr. and Mrs. Clinton Banjo has a great ring to it.
Todd and Jane Banjo are pround to announce the wedding of their offspring and Clinton on June 28th, 2007 in Brooklyn, NY.
Reception to follow with El Boring Boringson and the Dulls playing and an all you can eat heroin buffet....
Please RSVP by June 8th, 2007
*gasp* My dream wedding!!!
I need to tell you, banjo has been seeing me on my site as well today. I tried to tell him/her that I would not step in the way of true love but I wanted to tell you myself before you found out through another source.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING???? Damnit, the same thing happened to me when I dated A-Rod.
Thats two Post covers for you this week. First: STRAY-ROD
now tomorrow:
BAN-HO!!!
Midwesterner and Clinton, are you guys already at happy hour?
by the way, "Im on to you Rickman...I mean "Marlina"!!!!" nearly made me spit out my drink.
Midwesterner... Can you believe how much fucking coverage that's gotten??? Gee, a big leauger steppin' out on his wife while out of town... big shock.
Jeff... God, I wish.
Jeff... yeah, just getting ready for tonight...
The New York Media hit a new low, well at least stayed at their present low. Not condoning what a rod did but come on.... why anyone would want to play baseball in this city is beyond me.
fricking dang ass monkey booty! I get my tattoo the WEEK before the anti-ZFS backlash begins. Just my freaking luck.
PS wtf are Alan Rickman and JK Rowling doing blog-surfing together? Some call the tabloids cuz I smell a canoodle!
ps possibly this story would not receive such big tabloid play if the guy's nickname were "A Peanut" or "L'il Dick."
The name "A Rod" is kinda just a story waiting to happen. (Be afraid, Big Unit.)
For that reason, A Rod has a gay following.
I think all this anti ZFS backlash must have something to do with your as-yet-to-be-named nemesis. And watermelons. Be careful Clinton.
Pigeon... That tattoo's going to worth something someday. Mark my words.
Irene... OMIGOD!!! Banjo is my nemesis!!!
Clint obviously you have missed Galaxy Quest or Hitchhikers, to know that Alan Rickman is a demi god among all those lesser mortals called actors. If I wasn’t in the running to be your arch nemesis I would invite you down to Dumbledore's so we could check out the Hermoine look-alikes (legal ones only), my status also prevents me from saying that this is probably the funniest blog I have come across so I won’t.
The world better be prepared for all the suicides if JK kills off Ms. Granger, so if I don’t hear from you after the release date…
I am completely unashamed to admit that I will definitely be going to the Universal Orlando Harry Potter theme park. Makes me giddy just thinking about it (seriously).
They're creating a full Hogwarts, complete with Dumbledore's office, and the Forbidden Forest AND they're making Hogsmeade, complete with shops and, hopefully, the Hog's Head pub.
Obviously, I'm a huge HP fan. I'm re-reading the entire series right now in anticipation of the final book.
Although I think it's sad that most everyone here who is bothering to talk about HP has not even read any of the books and are dissing the entire series based on seeing a few of the movies. The movies are not a good representation of the series.
Besides, I thought it was a much bigger scandal when Disneyland closed down "Pirates of the Carribean" so they could add some Jack Sparrow statues and make the ride more like the movies. But the die-hard fans of the "Pirate" movies thought it was the best thing EVER, so what the hell do I know?
I'm not dissing Potter. Just after seeing the first one, had no desire to keep seeing them. Or read the book.
D.A.V.I.D.... Thanks, dude. Are they really talking about killing off Hermione? That just seems cruel.
Katie... I know, I know; I've been told by at least a billion-and-a-half people that I need to actually sit down and read the books before I go shooting my mouth off about it. One of these days I will, m'sure. Maybe when they're all out in paperback or something.
Big Daddy... Kind of how I felt, too. The movies were all right, I guess.
like poor jk doesn't have enough money.
i gotta hand it to her, she started kids reading again, and she doesn't use words like 'gotta'.
oh, and i'd do alan rickman in a heartbeat.
now, go blind your mind's eye at that thought.
Dumbledore's Magical Potion Laboratory Of Wonderment sounds AWESOME.
Fun Fact: I have never read or seen anything about Harry Potter®™©™.
Well, except this post and comments.
I have never read the books and I have only seen the first two. I fell asleep watching the third movie after 15 mins...
Living in FL, and after going to Orlando countless times, theme parks make me sick.
Quin... No, totally; I'm glad kids are reading books. I'm just personally not interested. And, seriously, I'D do Alan Rickman if he asked.
Lioux... That's quite a feat, dude.
Pompomist... I can imagine; if I were you, I'd probably beat the crap out of anyone in a Mickey Mouse costume.
Mickey Mouse and the entire group of Disney characters.
Imagine a wizard costume...geez
Um, I'm not sure why people hated on you when you wrote this, because the following paragraph...
Fantastical Flying Broomstick Adventure - Riders are tied to a broomstick. Nothing happens, as broomsticks do not possess the power of flight in real life. Lessons are learned about separating fact from fiction.
...belongs in ZFS! history. I'd even go so far as to say it belongs in funny-blog history. I've been reading your archives during slow times at work and when I came across this one for the first time, I was still laughing about it-- HARD-- eight hours later. It was very difficult to answer the phone that day.
It was a good day.
So anyway: Funny.
-Phoenix
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