I Am British

Well, no... I'm not, obviously. Not yet anyway.

If I was British, I'd have certainly brought it up by now. In all honesty, were I actually a man from Britain, this blog would probably be called "Sir Clinton's Very British Blog About Things That Are British (Like ME!!!)."

But that's not the case. I'm very not British. I am, in reality, an American. Even more damnable, I'm a Texan. Not that I, personally, mind being a Texan, of course; quite the contrary. It's just that people these days tend to have a fairly low opinion of Texans thanks to our suck-ass President and it gets really old having to explain time and time again that, no, we're not all like that. And, while we're on the subject of dispelling myths about those of with the good fortune to grow up in Texas, let me also state for the record that we don't all ride horses, it's not at all like it was on Dallas, and there are many of us that don't think cellphones and DVD players are "the work of witches." Now, yes, my grandfather does own a cattle ranch (true), but that's merely a coincidence.

Look, my point is, being a Texan doesn't have anywhere near the cachet as does being British. And, after watching the new romantic comedy Music and Lyrics last night, which stars alpha-Brit Hugh Grant, I've decided that this situation is entirely unacceptable. The British (well, Hugh Grant, anyway) are just so charming. We're talking crazy, heart-meltingly charming here. Lethally charming. Not to mention witty. Everything I said about the British being charming, they're double that in the wit department. And that's exactly what I want to be.

Now, I know, you're saying to yourself, "But C-dog, what about this mystical, vaunted Southern charm and wit that all you types are supposed to have?" Well, listen... Southern charm and wit only work when you're skinny and muscular and dressed like a cowboy. When you're a whiskery, lumpy sort (such as myself), you're pretty much resigned to the redneck/hillbilly/hick category whether you like it or not. And I, for one, don't like it.

Therefore, from now on, I am British.

"Pip, pip! Bob's your uncle! Bangers and mash! God save the Queen, old chap!"

See. Totally British. You can't hear me saying these things, of course, but keep in mind: I spent many years doing theater. This means that I can do an absolutely flawless British accent that would make you think I'm a real Briton from Britain, provided, of course, that you'd never in your entire life heard a British accent before. And had just been smacked very hard on the back of the head with a brick.

Hm. Yeah, my British accent sucks. That's going to be a problem.

I suppose I could pack up and move to England and live amongst those who speak with British accents for a number of years. Bound to pick it up that way. Then again, I don't really want to move to Britain; I like New York quite a bit and if there's one thing that's been said over and over again about Britain, it's that it is in no way New York City. I confirmed this on a map, just to be sure. Another option would be to rent a large quantity of British television, watch it all over a weekend, and hope to absorb the accent that way. This, though, would make me just like that weird kid in High School who always wore Dr. Who t-shirts with a trench coat and a top hat and talked only in obscure Monty Python references. Nobody liked that kid. Thirdly, I guess I can just start telling everyone that a slight, Texan drawl is the new British accent and then spend the entirety of my waking hours convincing the world that this is rock-solid truth.

Which, now that I've said all of this out loud, seems like a lot of work. And Lazy will always trump both British and Texan.

So... ugh. I am not British. Whatever. I didn't really want to be British anyway. Bunch of charming, witty jerks.

Now, Australians... that's where it's at. Yeah, they're all good-natured and sunny. And they all surf and fistfight kangaroos. And they eat all their meals at Outback Steakhouses, probably while accompanied by their best koala pals.

Yeah... yeah, that sounds fantastic.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am Australian.