Old Navy Hates Fat People

I'm a big guy. Husky. Amply proportion. Large and only very occasionally in charge. When you get right down to it, I'm fat. I know this much is true and I know that it's entirely my own fault. I've always been stocky, but there was a time when I could actually call myself an athlete; I played football, soccer, I ran cross-country and track (not particularly well, but nonetheless). After high school, though, I became aware of the fact that... hey, now... I'm on my own! I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want. Double bacon cheeseburgers at 2am? Why, that's the best idea in the history of people shoving foodstuffs into their face holes!!! It was around this time that I also discovered how much fun it is to drink large quantities of beer while doing nothing at all that even remotely resembles activity. The only marathons I participated in involved Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. As a result, and to the surprise of no one, I plumped up like a Ballpark frank.

I will say, in my own defense, that I wear it well. Being a fat ass hasn't ever hurt my sex life (thank fucking christ there are ladies who love the "teddy bear" type) and, when called upon to do so, I can look presentable for whole, entire evenings. I don't have trouble getting around and I can walk up the three flights of steep stairs in my apartment building without needing an oxygen tank or a visit from the EMTs.

I know that being 5'10" and 280 pounds is unhealthy, but thus far it's been manageable. And, finally, I'm making an effort to shed some of my extra bulk, thanks in large part to Girlfriend; she says she doesn't want to see me die at 45 because my heart has turned into a solid block of pork fat, which is always nice to hear. So I've been walking a lot. I've been eating less and not so late. I've been... (heavy sigh)... drinking less. I've been, in short, making an effort. I've already noticed a difference and I feel pretty good about myself in general.

Or I did right up until yesterday, when I tried to buy some pants.

Now, for as long as I can remember, I've been a regular patron of Old Navy. Since I have no sense of personal style to speak of, their bland, inoffensive shirts and pants have always suited me just fine. I've never particularly cared what kind of clothes I wore because... well... I just don't care. Also, I hate shopping. I hate trying on clothes to see if they fit. I hate malls. I hate driving to malls. I hate the people who hang out in malls... blech, just everything about the process makes me itch. So Old Navy's always been my destination of choice when the need for new gear becomes dire. They always have my size, the stuff they sell isn't going to make me look like an idiot, whatever; I can get in, grab some stuff and get the hell on with my life.

So imagine my shock, my shame, my anger when I discovered that Old Navy no longer carries my pants size in their store. "You'll have to go online for those, sir. Or maybe go down the street to Academy and buy a tent from their camping section. Perhaps if you wrap that around your lower half, people will just assume you've got on pants. Oh, and I think there's a Dunkin' Donuts on the way there; how nice for you!!!" Okay, the clerk didn't actually say that last part (not with her mouth, anyway; her eyes said differently). Still, the fact remains: Old Navy, at least as far as pants are concerned, is dead to me.

And, for the record, going online to shop isn't going to happen. I don't want to wait a week for pants that I haven't even tried on. Fuck that.

My question is: Why? Why hath Old Navy forsaken me? It's not like we, collectively as a nation, are getting any slimmer. It's not like it's just me walking around all fat n' stuff. So why have they stopped carrying stuff for the larger-assed male?

Because they're a bunch of jerks, that's why. They don't want to be seen with a store full of fat people, getting their fat all over everything and making the whole place smell like french fries and loneliness. They want to appear cool and hip and slender now that they're a big, popular purveyor of clothing and those of us who hung out with them back in the old days can just go fuck all the way off with our fat selves.

Maybe one day they'll change their ways. Maybe one day they'll run to us with open arms and all will be forgiven as we purchase some shorts that fit. Maybe. But until then, it's going to be nothing but this:

So, in conclusion, let me just say...

SUCK IT, OLD NAVY!!!

P.S. Before anyone else brings it up, I'm fully aware that I could just lose a bunch of weight so that I can fit into the pants that Old Navy currently sells. Like I said earlier, I'm working on that, but that's soooo not the point.