This Blog For Sale
Girlfriend and I were discussing this article last night, which details the recent buying of TV-recapping website extraordinaire, Television Without Pity, by the Bravo cable network which, by extension, is owned by The Dark Overlord and Unholy Bringer of "Good" Things To Life, General Electric.
She asked me if I would do that; if some large, faceless network were to hand me a bag of money for the rights to my blog, would I take it. I then explained to her the concept of artistic integrity, and, more specifically, how I have none of it and that I would of course sell this website to the highest bidder at the first available opportunity. Hell, I'd sell it to the lowest bidder; you got 50$ and a case of Budweiser? Want a blog that's contains numerous pictures of a fat, drunk guy? Take it, it's yours!!!
So, with that in mind, and since Bravo seems to be leading the charge of cable channels snapping up web properties, please allow me to take this time to whore my ass out like a strung-out junkie to the various predatory networks. Zombie Fights Shark! will treat you right, Big Poppa, as long as you gots the green:
PLEASE BUY MY BLOG, NETWORKS!!!
The Food Network - Dudes, I love cooking. Okay, I love eating. Buy ZFS! and I'll take pictures of me eating stuff. I'll even concede to having your fleet of shiny, polished chefs come over to my apartment and cook me food. And if you could send over Alton Brown for my girlfriend, I'm sure she'd appreciate it (Girlfriend likes the geeky ones). But keep that Rachel Ray back at the studios. I get the feeling that she probably steals.
SciFi Channel - Star Wars was awesome, but I really prefer Empire Strikes Back. See, I totally know what I'm talking about. Plus, the title of my blog is a reference to an old horror movie from the 70's (and it's an obscure Italian one, at that); I'm so one of you already I practically have a Battlestar Galactica tattoo. Hey, if I get a Battlestar Galactica tattoo, will that up my chances here?
Animal Planet - Dogs rule. So do parrots and Bengal tigers. Cats are okay and I'm not opposed to hanging around with some llamas. Look, I'll write about how I chill with any animal you'd like, as long as I don't have to fuck around with snakes or ants or shit like that. And I find bats to be freaky, but I can tolerate them if need be. Plus... "Shark" is are already in the title.... c'mon, it's kismet!
Fox Network - If you can arrange it, I'm not opposed to sponsering an actual fight between a Zombie and a Shark on national television. Seems like you guys would be way into that sort of thing.
Bravo - Since you're already buying stuff, why not buy the best of the blogs that don't try very hard? I'll promote the shit out of that Top Design show that I can't imagine people are actually watching (though I'm sure it's really excellent). And, hey, if it helps, the "real housewives of Orange County" can crash at my place if they're doing press stuff in New York. As long as they're not bitches about sharing a bathroom.
The Discovery Channel - I just discovered that I'd sell my soul for a very reasonable price, so right there we've got something to talk about. Plus, those Mythbuster guys can use my blog anytime they want, as long as they let me blow shit up with them.
Playboy Channel - PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!! Hef, dude, I'll keep an eye on any of the spare girlfriends you're not currently using. I'll write about whichever boobies you currently think are awesome. I'll even objectify women if you'd like! I'm not above anything!!!
Logo - Yeah, ZFS! will go gay for pay. What of it?
The Learning Channel - Um... I can learn stuff, I guess. Or, wait, would you need me to actually teach people things; is that you guys's deal? Because I don't really know anything worth teaching, unless your channel's got a burning need for an instructional blog about how to waste an ungodly amount of your own time.
So there you go. Let the bidding begin!!!
She asked me if I would do that; if some large, faceless network were to hand me a bag of money for the rights to my blog, would I take it. I then explained to her the concept of artistic integrity, and, more specifically, how I have none of it and that I would of course sell this website to the highest bidder at the first available opportunity. Hell, I'd sell it to the lowest bidder; you got 50$ and a case of Budweiser? Want a blog that's contains numerous pictures of a fat, drunk guy? Take it, it's yours!!!
So, with that in mind, and since Bravo seems to be leading the charge of cable channels snapping up web properties, please allow me to take this time to whore my ass out like a strung-out junkie to the various predatory networks. Zombie Fights Shark! will treat you right, Big Poppa, as long as you gots the green:
PLEASE BUY MY BLOG, NETWORKS!!!
The Food Network - Dudes, I love cooking. Okay, I love eating. Buy ZFS! and I'll take pictures of me eating stuff. I'll even concede to having your fleet of shiny, polished chefs come over to my apartment and cook me food. And if you could send over Alton Brown for my girlfriend, I'm sure she'd appreciate it (Girlfriend likes the geeky ones). But keep that Rachel Ray back at the studios. I get the feeling that she probably steals.
SciFi Channel - Star Wars was awesome, but I really prefer Empire Strikes Back. See, I totally know what I'm talking about. Plus, the title of my blog is a reference to an old horror movie from the 70's (and it's an obscure Italian one, at that); I'm so one of you already I practically have a Battlestar Galactica tattoo. Hey, if I get a Battlestar Galactica tattoo, will that up my chances here?
Animal Planet - Dogs rule. So do parrots and Bengal tigers. Cats are okay and I'm not opposed to hanging around with some llamas. Look, I'll write about how I chill with any animal you'd like, as long as I don't have to fuck around with snakes or ants or shit like that. And I find bats to be freaky, but I can tolerate them if need be. Plus... "Shark" is are already in the title.... c'mon, it's kismet!
Fox Network - If you can arrange it, I'm not opposed to sponsering an actual fight between a Zombie and a Shark on national television. Seems like you guys would be way into that sort of thing.
Bravo - Since you're already buying stuff, why not buy the best of the blogs that don't try very hard? I'll promote the shit out of that Top Design show that I can't imagine people are actually watching (though I'm sure it's really excellent). And, hey, if it helps, the "real housewives of Orange County" can crash at my place if they're doing press stuff in New York. As long as they're not bitches about sharing a bathroom.
The Discovery Channel - I just discovered that I'd sell my soul for a very reasonable price, so right there we've got something to talk about. Plus, those Mythbuster guys can use my blog anytime they want, as long as they let me blow shit up with them.
Playboy Channel - PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!! Hef, dude, I'll keep an eye on any of the spare girlfriends you're not currently using. I'll write about whichever boobies you currently think are awesome. I'll even objectify women if you'd like! I'm not above anything!!!
Logo - Yeah, ZFS! will go gay for pay. What of it?
The Learning Channel - Um... I can learn stuff, I guess. Or, wait, would you need me to actually teach people things; is that you guys's deal? Because I don't really know anything worth teaching, unless your channel's got a burning need for an instructional blog about how to waste an ungodly amount of your own time.
So there you go. Let the bidding begin!!!
posted by Clinton at 9:23 AM
16 Comments:
I could totally see any of these networks snatching up ZFS!
These ideas are BRILLIANT!
You're sweet! Now if I could just get the Networks to agree with you, I'd be in business.
I think you're on to something here. Might I suggest PBS throw their hat in the ring? You could totally pass out free tote bags to commenters.
Oh I'm on to you; you're just trying to scam a free totebag. Not that I blame you... those totebags are SWEET!
I think I need to see Zombie Fights Shark, the movie.
I'll start the bidding at $20.
$20.25
Colleen... Believe me when I say that NOBODY wants to see my fat butt up on the big screen, myself included.
Captains of Industry... 50$ is as low as I'll go, boys. And don't forget the case of beer or the offer's off the table!
Dude, I hate to say it, but the fine people at ULTIMATE DUMPLIN' SCHNAPPS done ripped you off:
http://werewolfbattlesblowfish.blogspot.com/
Oh... OH!!! I'm gonna settle their hash!!!
$100 and the use of my mansion every other weekend. You may want to change the sheets.
Give the Grotto a good scrubbing and then MAYBE we can talk.
Uh, hello? Wouldn't ZFS make the best cartoon show? Kinda like 2 Stupid Dogs, just drunker.
I'm not hip enough for Adult Swim, though. Sad face.
'Housewives of Orange County', and 'Exposed' on MTV have to be the worst shows on TV right now.
I'd pay money to see Pee Wee fight a Zombie and Ted Turner, at the Playboy Mansion, in a cage fight.
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