Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Might As Well Jump

The last couple of days, I've been reading this book:



It's really great and it's about the redemptive powers of rock music and everyone should buy it and give it as a gift on special occasions, etc. etc. Anyway, there's this part where one of the main characters, in a fit of schizophrenic madness, climbs to the top of a water tower, duct tapes a pair of headphones to his head, plugs them into a Walkman, cranks the volume up to 10 and then jumps off. It's never found out what music he was listening to when he died; a fact that troubles the book's other characters.

This got me thinking. Were I about to jump off of a water tower (a fall that would certainly kill me), and I'd just duct taped headphones to my ears, what song would I choose to accompany my long drop?

"Jump" - Van Halen

While admittedly a great song, it's a tad too obvious. Besides, would you want people to know that the song you chose as the soundtrack to your suicide was one by Van Halen? How embarrassing. I mean, it's not as bad as picking a Bon Jovi song or something, but it's still pretty bad.

"The End" by The Doors

This, on the other hand, has risen above it's obviousness and reached a place that makes perfect sense. 15 year old boys would probably think you were some kind of God and, as we all know, 15 year old boys keep local legends alive better than just about anybody. If you're looking to be remembered always amongst the zits-and-snuck-beers crowd, this is the song to pick. Keep in mind, though: The Doors do kind of suck.

"Lollipop" by The Chordettes

This will make you a legend too, but in a David Lynch sort of way. Cheery songs always sound supremely evil when juxtaposed with death and, hey, if that's the way you want to go out, then you could do a lot worse than this one.

"Perfect Day" by Lou Reed

Dreamy, epic without being showy, and nicely ironic... a good choice. If you could time your jump to coincide with the end of the song, where it gets a bit more bombastic, that'd be icing on the cake. Plus, you could spend the opening bit gazing out into the sunset, sunrise, mid-day sun or whatever lighting situation you, personally, would find the most poignant.

"Brick" by Ben Folds Five

Only acceptable if you or someone you love has just had an abortion. And even then, it's probably too "on the nose."

"Let's Go Crazy" by Prince

If you'd like to go out with a sense of humor, this is a good selection. Also, it's Prince, who never goes out of style. When family members recount your death many years from now, they'll be sad you're gone, sure, but they'll admire your taste in music.

"For No One" by The Beatles

If you're jumping due to a bad break-up, this is a nice "fuck you" to your now-ex. What's nice about it is that it's not a song that gets a lot of play these days, but it's not so obscure that you stand the chance of being written off as some record-collecting weirdo, a label that leads directly to your dismissal from the public's consciousness. The Beatles are unimpeachable when it comes to song choice, so choosing one for this type of situation won't ever be a bad move.

So... yeah. Any other ideas?

24 Comments:

Blogger Irish and Jew said...

Thank you. Thank you for saying the Doors kinda suck. This is how i feel, have felt, for years.

I thought there was something wrong with me, i only told my closest friends about it. whew.

-Jew

10:04 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

No thanks necessary... I've never understood the appeal of The Doors. I mean, yes, they've got a couple of okay songs but they're nowhere near as mind-blowing as people seem to think they are.

And Jim Morrison wasn't a poet. He was just a handsome asshole.

10:14 AM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

OMG I can't believe I live with Jew and didn't know we shared the same feelings on the Doors (slightly offended that only the closest friends know this). I mean don't get my wrong big Jimmy was hot, like mega hot... and the lyrics were (at times) beautiful poetry. But well that mixed with music and his voice ugh I always hit "next" on my i-pod.

Song Suggestion.... "Dirt" Alice In Chains. Like I said I'm trapped in '94 (ok technically released in '92 but whatevs)

~Irish

10:31 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Alice in Chains are an EXCELLENT jumping-off-a-water-tower band. Teen angsty, but not so much that it's annoying.

Good call.

Also, don't be offended... it's hard to admit to people that you don't like The Doors. I've gotten massive amounts of shit for it. Now, let the healing begin.

10:44 AM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

Oh and by the way, if i were on top of a water tower about to jump off, i would put on El Debarge's "rhythm of the night." This way, i would decide life is worth living, and that i should go home, round up my gays, and put on my hottest outfit to go out and dance.

Then, on my way off the tower, i would probably slip and fall to the ground, the fall resulting in paralysis. that would be the worst, to be paralyzed during rhythm of the night, what a great song...

-Jew

ps- commenting is the new AIM apparently

11:16 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Which is ironic, being as how I live on AIM while I'm at work. Wait, is that ironic? I don't know what words mean.

Anyway, El DeBarge is always a nice choice; were you to choose to jump, it'd be the most fabulously discofied death ever.

11:27 AM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

I'd take Snaps! "Rhythm is a Dancer" over El DeBarge any day of the week.

God we are comment sluts.

~Irish

11:33 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

And now I've got Rhythm is a Dancer stuck in my head. Faaaantastic.

Better to be comment sluts than, you know, regular sluts. Because you can't get the clap from comments.

OR CAN YOU?!?!

No. No you can't.

11:37 AM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

'Perfect Day' always reminds me of OD'ing on heroin thanks to Trainspotting.

I think 'Happy Happy Joy Joy' from Ren And Stimpy would be awesome for the final song. People would think you're demented.

Other songs:

Nsync 'Bye, bye, Bye'

Elvis Presley 'Can't Help Falling In Love'

Patsy Cline 'I Fall To Pieces'

The Smiths 'There Is A Light That Never Goes Out'

Scissor Sisters 'Don't Feel Like Dancing'

Killers 'Mr. Brightside'

Rolling Stones 'Sympathy For The Devil'

and lastly

Bjork 'Hyperballad' [she talks about jumping off a cliff and wondering if her eyes will be closed or open].

12:02 PM  
Blogger Colleen said...

Those DeBarge and Snaps songs have got to go...out of my head. Please.
So on a similar note, if I'm remembering correctly, this rocker kid back in the '80s was walking on a train track and got hit by a train while listening to his Walkman (really loud, apparently). They say the song he was listening to was "Crazy Train," "they" being the kids at his high school, one of whom is my blog buddy Lioux [as seen in my comments section!].

12:20 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Big Daddy... I like the idea of dying to "Sympathy for the Devil," but on the off chance that there's actually an afterlife, it's probably best not to risk it. Seems that wouldn't go over well. The Patsy Cline song would TOTALLY work, though. Very moody.

Colleen... I want that to be true very badly. In fact, I'm just going to assume it is true because that's just so metal I can hardly stand it. And now I've got Crazy Train stuck in my head.

12:29 PM  
Blogger lioux said...

OMG, COLLEEN!!!

THIS IS TOTALLY TRUE!

This incident actually happened on the train track bridge behind my childhood home.

It's rumored the rocker kid was actually committed suicide because he was picked on so badly in high school.

R.I.P.

And I think those Patsy and Björk song selections are EXCELLENT!

Hmmm.

I wonder what a mash up of the two would sound like?

1:07 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

While that's a terrible tragedy, of course, it's also AWESOME! Nobody in my hometown ever had such initiative with their suicides. The only one I can remember from my High School days is this one kid who hung himself in his closet and the ONLY reason it sticks in my mind is because I sat next to his brother in AP English.

If I end up doing myself in, I'm going out of my way to make that fucker memorable.

1:41 PM  
Blogger lioux said...

AMEN!!!

2:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Perfect Day is by Lou Reed. Not the VU

5:26 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

You are absolutely right; weird, I always thought that was Velvet Underground... thanks for the heads up, anonymous person.

6:33 PM  
Blogger indoorkid said...

come ON, man! "that joke isn't funny anymore" by the smiths!

7:58 PM  
Blogger stew said...

"Ebben ne Andro Lontana," the aria from the opera "La Wally." People would be surprised and think I was, like, all classical, classy, deep and quixotic, and that would totally rule. Until some smarty-pants asshole pointed out the "Ebben" was used as the deep, quixotic, classy mood music in just about every single faux-edgy late 80's-early 90's movie and that I was a serious hack for picking such an obvious attempt to provide myself some quote-unquote mystery and class. Because my suicide would be exactly as classy and edgy as the movie "Someone To Watch Over Me" starring Tom Beringer and Mimi Rogers.

Fuck. Now I kinda want to kill myself just to be awesome.

9:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Rippin Kittin" by Miss Kittin and Golden Boy

10:07 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Caroline... For some reason, I didn't even think of The Smiths while I was writing this. Really missed a trick, me.

Pigeon... Dude, you're awesome already because you managed to work classic opera AND Tom Berenger into the same comment. Life's worth living!!!

Anonymous... Never heard of that song, but I'm digging the title.

11:08 PM  
Blogger syd said...

kind of cliche but,

"boy and his Machine Gun"-Matthew Good Band

"where is my mind"-the pixies

anything by stabbing westward (i was wicked angsty as a teenager)

"comfortably numb"- pink floyd

11:38 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Sydney... I saw Stabbing Westward once at one of those radio station-sponsered, festival shows. I remember them as being very loud, but in a good way. Anyway, "Where Is My Mind" by the Pixies = Most Excellent Suggestion.

Alan Cabal... Not the way I'd go, but definately a solid idea.

9:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ride It On by Mazzy Star

9:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

SLOW RIDE

TAKE IT EASY

1:45 PM  

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