Wednesday, May 31, 2006

The Chaotic Horrors

A week or two ago, I posted some thoughts about Britney Spears and her current plight as the World's Worst Mommy. My basic sentiments were, "Yeah, she's lame, but also deeply trashy" and I thought that pretty well covered it. I didn't really expect Ms. Spears or the greasy gangsta rat that she's bunked down with to cross between the parameters of my pop culture conciousness again until she accidentally stuffs and cooks her baby, thinking it's the turkey for her delicious Thanksgiving dinner.

Oh sweet Jesus was I wrong. I hadn't counted on my girlfriend's Netflixing of the nightmarishly horrible UPN disaster known as Britney and Kevin: Chaotic. I know. I can see your faces twisted into a ghastly rictus as you ask, "Why? Why would a previously loving girlfriend do such a mean, hateful thing that could only serve to karate chop our relationship with the crushing power of a Cobra Kai student (this 80's movie reference brought to you by VH1).?" Though I didn't understand this at first and had to be coaxed out of the closet with a plate of bacon and a frosty Dr. Pepper, I know now that she obtained this unholy artifact for us not to be entertained, but for us to be tested. If we can make it through this together, we can make it through anything and everything that could be thrown at us from here on out.

And make it through we did. It left us both drained of energy, pale and sweating, and we had to remove our shoelaces lest we attempt a jailhouse suicide... but we made it.

Thus, some thoughts on Britney and Kevin: Chaotic

-Because all of the footage was shot by either Brit or Kev, it's a lot like watching The Blair Witch Project only worse because you know that the obnoxious kids being filmed won't be dead by the end of it.

-Britney has really bad skin. Keep in mind that, being a fairly oblivious male, I'd never have noticed this normally, but as she has a tendancy to hold the camera about four inches from her gaping maw as she brays into the lens, her gaping pores and relief-map cheeks are pretty much the show's supporting cast.

-Poor Felicia. Felicia is Britney's troll-like punching bag/assistant that seems like a nice person who probably doesn't deserve the shit she has to put up with (though I suppose it's her own fault for hitching her wagon to Capt. Brit's Crazy Train). Her sex life, or lack thereof, is discussed on camera in great detail and, though she claims to be "one of Brit's bestest friends" she's conspicuously not one of the Bridesmades at the climactic wedding. Yet, three beautiful girls whom we've never seen are. How unfortunate for the one with poorly-planned bangs and a body more barrel-like than anything else.

-Kevin Federline is a crappy dresser and oily throughout except for one interview where, inexplicably, he looks handsome and well-groomed. It's an oddly disconcerting moment and it made me feel like I'd been roundhoused by Larry Holmes. I can't live in a world where K Fed isn't the measuring stick for all things skeevy and virulent.

-Above all else, the thought you're left with is that B and K are just unbelieveably stupid. And not in a "boy, they're sure acting silly for the camera" kind of way. No. These two are clearly lacking the fundimentals to properly function in a world where Couvosier and luxury hotel rooms don't feature prominently. Remember that one couple in high school that nobody liked because they always talked too loudly about "doin' it" and took shop class together and hung out in the guy's Dodge Dart smoking cigarettes after class while they devised how they were gonna get out of this town and start their own tattoo parlour and they always smelled vaugely of hairspray and sweat.

That's them. It's gross, even through the TV.


Anonymous Ermilouw! said...

But see how nice he is when he's squeaky clean?

12:06 PM  
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