Early Morning Dispatch (With Hot Fudge!)

So... I've just spent a large chunk of the late-evening/early morning (depending on how you want to look at it) drinking 16oz cans of Bud Ice and eating Smucker's Microwavable Hot Fudge Topping directly out of the squeeze bottle with a plastic butter knife.

There's not really any story here... just wanted to check in with the few readers I have left that aren't spam robots or people who arrived here accidentally after Googling "shitting ladies." It's been awhile since I actually let you all know what's going on in my life.

Anyway, I'm drinking a lot and eating dessert toppings with plasticware at 3:30 in the AM. That's kind of where I'm at.

How about you guys? What's new? Anyone dead I should know about? Anyone give birth to a baby? And if so, is the baby deformed in some sort of cool way? Like webbed feet or it's got a tail? Because a picture of said deformity would probably make me laugh my ass off, provided it was sent to me via email.

I would also appreciate nude pictures of you or your loved ones sent via email.

Bank information, too.

NOTE: I don't want to see any wangs!

2ND NOTE: Okay, maybe some wangs, but only if they're well lit and there's some stage make-up involved.

Blogging while drunk is fun, though, right? Want some hot fudge? I like sharing.

Friday Night

You're welcome...

VMAs or Celebrity Halloween?

Lady Gaga as...



...the craziest relative from the side of your family that's fictional and Victorian and part bird.

Joe Perry & Katy Perry as...



...a recently unearthed Greek myth about a glam rock skeleton that turned the wide-eyed town virgin into a spandex whore. Side Note: Are they related? Not because their last names are the same, but because they're both gross in exactly the same way, like a used condom in a nightclub urinal?

Leighton Meester as...



...a magical 70's disco ball that comes alive when you sprinkle it with cocaine.

Kanye West & Amber Rose as...



...a five year old dressing up like what he thinks "coolness" might be and his imaginary robot buddy that sometimes touches him in his area even though the very thought of it makes his stuffed animals barf.

Taylor Swift as...



...a shimmer angel that puts all your bad moods in a box and throws them into a lake, then you have a picnic lunch of snuggles and kisses that mean something. P.S. She smells like a flower that bakes sugar cookies.

Janet Jackson as...



...the newly-christened "crazy one."

Jack Black as...



...the exact moment in time when the whole world got over Jack Black.

Madonna as...



...your Mom's divorced friend who heard about the concept of being "a cougar" from a TV show and went fucking nuts at Filene's Basement because, well, being a cougar doesn't mean you can't still shop at a place with good deals on outerwear.

Pink as...



...a masculine Troll doll wearing the floor mat from my 1992 Jeep Wrangler.

Lady Gaga... again... as...

...a joke, right? A big fucking joke on all of America, like a female Andy Kaufman or something? Because if she's a real thing that's really like this, we need to shut down the TVs and the radios and turn the Internet off and move out into the forest where we can harvest the land for the next fifty years or so. A few decades of hard labor will whip the Lower East Side art student crazy right out of anyone. It's hard to dress like a scream queen Phyllis Diller when you're trying to get the cabbage harvest in before sundown, as that's when the wolves come...