Thursday, July 03, 2008

"Let's Do Some Shots!" Part 4

NOTE: Since birth, roughly, I would estimate that I have done somewhere in the neighborhood of nine million shots. Give or take. Here now, the first chapter in an ongoing attempt to recall every single one. Which I realize is sort of an exercise in self-defeat, seeing as how I'm trying to remember the individual varieties of the very things that have most contributed to my Swiss-cheese memory. It's like rain on your wedding day, huh?

Nonetheless, let's get this party started! LET'S DO SOME SHOTS!!!

Whiskey - You can call it whatever you want, but I call it home. A shot of whiskey is nothing short of a perfect drinking experience... it's a punch in the mouth, a fire in your guts, a quick rush of blood and adrenaline to the brain, a dance with the devil in the pale moonlight, a little trip to heaven on the wings of your love... magic and glory, tragedy and pain, comedy and drama; a tempest in a 1.5 oz glass. Personally, I enjoy either of the two gentlemen for my shooting pleasure... Mr. Jack Daniels or his slightly shabbier cousin, Jimmy Beam. However, seriously, go fucking nuts with whatever whiskey you can find... anything from Bushmill's to Evan Williams to Powers to Old Grand Dad to Fleischmann's to Tullamore Dew. It's all good. It's whiskey! Now, granted, some of these might technically taste better than others... you're not going to mistake the aforementioned Fleischmann's for a $200 bottle of single-barrel goodness that's been handcrafted by monks and distilled with the tears of the Christ child... but, c'mon, you're doing SHOTS!!! It's not like you're going to be swirling it around your mouth looking for "notes of caramel" and "a hint of dark spices." You'll be too busy dancing with a waitress to old Pogues songs for any of that.

Cherry Bombs - Okay, this isn't technically a shot... at least not in the sense that you pour it into a tiny glass and knock it back before screaming "WHOOOOOO!!!" It's more a feat of alcoholic engineering; one that's kind of brilliant in it's design and sneaky in it's subterfuge. Here's what you do: Take a jar of maraschino cherries and drain out all the juice. Then, refill said jar of maraschino cherries with EVERCLEAR. Let it sit in your fridge for a few days. Take them out when the liquid is all pink and get ready to have the back of your skull blown out by a mushroom cloud of drinking adventure! Seriously, a bowl of these set out next to the make-shift bar automatically turns up any party at least two notches. Four or five notches, if you don't tell people what they are and suddenly everyone is gooned out of their minds and THAT'S when the clothes start coming off. Hope you're camera has batteries, because you're about to be in the middle of your life's most memorable night.

Goldschlager - Oooh... it's got floating bits of gold leaf in it... OOOH!!! Please. It's cinnamon schnapps, but all tarted up with finery that kids in High School and rappers think is elegant. It's basically liquor in drag. It will get you hammered, yes, but so will a lot of things. Things that won't make you look like you heard about drinking on Myspace.

Rumplemintz - Another schnapps, but slightly more respectable because it isn't wearing jewelry. It is peppermint flavored and really strong... 50% ABV to most booze's 40%... so the overall effect of doing a shot is kind of like being mugged by a pack of original-flavor Trident. What it's REALLY good for, however, is spiking up your hot chocolate on a freezing-ass day of snowstorms and grilled cheese sandwiches and Netflixed horror movies. The combination of Rumplemintz and Swiss Miss is like a fuzzy blanket you can drink and, subsequently, will make most of the Winter months just FLY the fuck past you in a blur.

Jell-O Shots - Despite my well-documented distaste for sweet, gloopy, fruity alcoholic concoctions, I must admit that I've got a soft spot for Jell-O Shots. They're just so... I don't know... wonderfully collegiate, I guess. Plus there's that whole "blending our childhood with our adulthood in way that gets us hammered" thing... you could probably write a thesis paper on what Jell-O Shot consumption says about your psyche and your id and the way you were potty trained and on and on, so maybe one of you smarty-pantses should get on that. Anyway, Jell-O Shots... they're good if you make them with vodka, but they're REALLY GOOD and POSSIBLY LETHAL if you make them with Everclear. I'll never forget a certain night in an Austin apartment on the South side of town where I became emotionally entangled with an entire plate of Watermelon/Everclear Jell-O Shots. I woke up the next morning a changed man, as well as a pantsless man and a man who didn't know where his car was. Totally worth it, though. Oh, AND... whatever you do, don't mix lemon Jell-O with whiskey, thinking you're making a whiskey sour Jell-O Shot. IT DOES NOT WORK! It comes out all sickly brown and it tastes like a madman just chopped your head in half with a vomiting battle-axe made of yellow Starburst candies. Bad times all around, for reals.


Blogger surviving myself said...

The best part about jello-shots was the jello-shot girls, who walked around with virtually nothing on and said stupid things to get us to buy their shots.

Actually, that kind of sums up college - girls with nothing on, people saying stupid things, and lots of drinking.

11:01 AM  
Anonymous JustinS said...

Whiskey is definitely only for Real Men. There's just something about it that screams tough. It's almost intimidating.

And just like Chris said about the Jell-O shots...

I had to live in Orlando for 18 months, which sucked. But it was close enough to the beaches that we'd make fairly frequent trips to Cocoa Beach and Dayton, two places that typically didn't see anything wrong with the idea of serving too many Jell-O shots to 19 year olds...

11:18 AM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

Oh, we SO drank Goldschlager in high school! We didn't do shots of it though. It was for sipping.

11:54 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Surviving... That was college experience to the LETTER, though you could also add "watching lots of martial arts films in an effort to escape the drudgery of existence" and "ate lots of pit-smoked meats."

Justin... I cannot imagine anyone voluntarily living in Flordia. Was this part of a prison sentence? (my father used to live in Jacksonville, so I know of what I speak)

Brooklyn... WIMP!!! Or, you know, RELATIVELY SMART PERSON because you probably didn't wake up with your head all hangover exploded.

8:13 AM  
Anonymous JustinS said...

Clinton-Not prison, but close enough: short stint in the Navy. I think I would have last much longer in the bell-bottoms had they assigned me so places outside of Florida and (at the end) South Carolina.

10:48 AM  
Blogger Todd said...

Man, you hit all my favorites with this one! There's all sorts of history in them thar shots!

9:39 AM  

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