Romantic Gestures
There's your every day, run o' the mill romantic gestures (getting her flowers, candy, remembering her name first thing in the morning) and then there's this.
Seriously. That dude's got the upper hand forever in that relationship. "Oh, you're mad because I forgot to pick up the dry-cleaning, I see.. well... hey, remember the time I staged a hunger strike because I loved you so much?!?! Yeah, that's what I thought." He's on easy street until she tops him in the show-of-love department and, sorry, nothing tops a hunger strike. That man's the Ghandi of that lady's heart, now and forever.
...the son of a bitch...
I mean, no, good for him and all that. I'm glad he made her love him. Or proved his worth, or whatever happened; I'm not even going to pretend to understand all the cultural arranged marriage, "too dark" stuff that's going on there. Either way, kudos. It's just that, now, the bar is raised impossibly high in the "romantic gestures" department. We regular dudes, particularly those of who've occasionally been accused of not being the most romantic card in the Hallmark rack, are screwed. Like I said... nothing tops a hunger strike. Certainly not flowers and a six-pack of beer from the bodega coupled with a leering offer of a "massage" (my preferred method of romance, except that I rarely bring flowers and I usually drink the six-pack by myself beforehand). This guy's selfless effort of devotion has made it so that the average man is going to have to start lopping off his own body parts to show his feelings and, no joke, I don't have that many body parts I'm willing to sacrifice in the name of love.
Okay, maybe a pinkie or an earlobe, but that'd be about where I'd draw the line.
Anyway, I bring this up as a word of warning to all the men who read this site: Dudes, it's going to get rough out there for a little while. We've got to step up our game. To that end, I've whipped up a little cheat sheet that, I think, will help us all be big winners at the Game of Love.
TEN TIPS FOR GETTING ROMANTICAL
NOTE: I don't know what I'm talking about. Please, for the sake of your relationships, don't listen to me.
1. Flowers are overdone and, quite frankly, she knows what the bouquets they sell at the gas station look like. Don't go there. Instead, bring her a neatly-wrapped bouquet of fresh garden herbs. She'll look at you oddly at first, but after you explain to her that she's supposed to use them to make you dinner, she'll come around.
2. Take her dancing at the hottest nightclub in town. If that's too expensive, blast techno music in your living room while waving around a couple of flashlights. It's the same thing.
3. An expensive bottle of wine is always appreciated, but, and this important: Don't drink any of it before you give it to her. They don't like that, women. Instead, buy some of those airplane-sized bottles of vodka and chug them on the train over to her place.
4. Calling each other by cutesy, pet names is perfectly acceptable when it's just the two of you. However, you really should keep it to things like "Sugar Pie" and "Sweety Bunches" and whatnot. Though you mean it as a the most sincere form of flattery, calling her your little "Mookie Wilson" won't melt her heart even after you explain his significance to the world of sports.
5. Give her a pearl necklace. Or, if you're dating a dude, a rusty trombone.
6. Cook her dinner. Or, if you can't cook, order out, put the food on some nice plates and take all the credit. Get it from an actual restaurant though, because she's not going to buy that you've got the exact same kind of kitchen equipment that White Castle has.
7. While getting her a nice copy of the Kama Sutra isn't a bad idea, it is considered crass to put sticky notes on all the pages that contain positions "you'd so totally be into." Also, when giving her the book, try not waggle your eyebrows and lick your lips in a suggestive manner.
8. She won't watch porn with you, especially since you've found a way to bring every conversation you've ever had since the second date back around to that topic.
9. Shave your back, dude. It looks like you're giving an alpaca a piggyback ride.
10. Break yourself of the habit of making airquotes when you say, "I love you." Only assholes do airquotes anymore. Oh, also, it's probably breaking her heart or something.
Seriously. That dude's got the upper hand forever in that relationship. "Oh, you're mad because I forgot to pick up the dry-cleaning, I see.. well... hey, remember the time I staged a hunger strike because I loved you so much?!?! Yeah, that's what I thought." He's on easy street until she tops him in the show-of-love department and, sorry, nothing tops a hunger strike. That man's the Ghandi of that lady's heart, now and forever.
...the son of a bitch...
I mean, no, good for him and all that. I'm glad he made her love him. Or proved his worth, or whatever happened; I'm not even going to pretend to understand all the cultural arranged marriage, "too dark" stuff that's going on there. Either way, kudos. It's just that, now, the bar is raised impossibly high in the "romantic gestures" department. We regular dudes, particularly those of who've occasionally been accused of not being the most romantic card in the Hallmark rack, are screwed. Like I said... nothing tops a hunger strike. Certainly not flowers and a six-pack of beer from the bodega coupled with a leering offer of a "massage" (my preferred method of romance, except that I rarely bring flowers and I usually drink the six-pack by myself beforehand). This guy's selfless effort of devotion has made it so that the average man is going to have to start lopping off his own body parts to show his feelings and, no joke, I don't have that many body parts I'm willing to sacrifice in the name of love.
Okay, maybe a pinkie or an earlobe, but that'd be about where I'd draw the line.
Anyway, I bring this up as a word of warning to all the men who read this site: Dudes, it's going to get rough out there for a little while. We've got to step up our game. To that end, I've whipped up a little cheat sheet that, I think, will help us all be big winners at the Game of Love.
TEN TIPS FOR GETTING ROMANTICAL
NOTE: I don't know what I'm talking about. Please, for the sake of your relationships, don't listen to me.
1. Flowers are overdone and, quite frankly, she knows what the bouquets they sell at the gas station look like. Don't go there. Instead, bring her a neatly-wrapped bouquet of fresh garden herbs. She'll look at you oddly at first, but after you explain to her that she's supposed to use them to make you dinner, she'll come around.
2. Take her dancing at the hottest nightclub in town. If that's too expensive, blast techno music in your living room while waving around a couple of flashlights. It's the same thing.
3. An expensive bottle of wine is always appreciated, but, and this important: Don't drink any of it before you give it to her. They don't like that, women. Instead, buy some of those airplane-sized bottles of vodka and chug them on the train over to her place.
4. Calling each other by cutesy, pet names is perfectly acceptable when it's just the two of you. However, you really should keep it to things like "Sugar Pie" and "Sweety Bunches" and whatnot. Though you mean it as a the most sincere form of flattery, calling her your little "Mookie Wilson" won't melt her heart even after you explain his significance to the world of sports.
5. Give her a pearl necklace. Or, if you're dating a dude, a rusty trombone.
6. Cook her dinner. Or, if you can't cook, order out, put the food on some nice plates and take all the credit. Get it from an actual restaurant though, because she's not going to buy that you've got the exact same kind of kitchen equipment that White Castle has.
7. While getting her a nice copy of the Kama Sutra isn't a bad idea, it is considered crass to put sticky notes on all the pages that contain positions "you'd so totally be into." Also, when giving her the book, try not waggle your eyebrows and lick your lips in a suggestive manner.
8. She won't watch porn with you, especially since you've found a way to bring every conversation you've ever had since the second date back around to that topic.
9. Shave your back, dude. It looks like you're giving an alpaca a piggyback ride.
10. Break yourself of the habit of making airquotes when you say, "I love you." Only assholes do airquotes anymore. Oh, also, it's probably breaking her heart or something.
posted by Clinton at 8:52 AM
17 Comments:
Give her a pearl necklace.
especially if you are dating Aunt Bee Taylor.
There's a joke about a "fishing hole" that could be made, but I'm not the one to make it.
I had to google rusty trombone to find out what it is. Considering the fact that I'm at work, I'm really glad there weren't any illustrations on the Wikipedia page.
Heh... yeah. I usually don't like to work "blue," but I'll admit that I'm powerless to resist a good Rusty Trombone joke. That phrase, when used as sex-slang, cracks me up for some reason.
Rusty Trombone reminds me of 40 Year Old Virgin. It's not about butthole pleasures.
There's so many great quotes from 40 Yr. Old Virgin.
Cal: 'You know what's a fun game? Take 3 Excedrin PM's and see if you can whack off before you fall asleep. You always win, that's the best part about the game.'
------
Cal: 'I mean, seriously, Asia? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh when you brought this in?
Andy: They did not laugh at me.
David: Know why you're gay? Because you like Asia.
Andy: You guys cool it with the gay. You know, she's on her way over here, okay?
Cal: First, you relax, okay?
Andy: Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do.
Cal: Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing and we move it out of here so it doesn't look like you live in Neverland Ranch.'
That's been my favorite movie for over a year now. It's never not funny to me. :)
You know how I know you're gay? You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says "I like it when balls are in my face."
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How? How do you know I'm gay?
David: Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.
I only saw 40 Year Old Virgin once and I really liked it. However, I cannot quote from it off the top of my head.
And I am sad.
Don't be sad, Gigglegoop and I are just dorks.
"You plant the seed, watch it grow into a plant.... then you fuck the plant!"
"Come on Seth..... You have a tiny penis."
"You know, I always thought Matt Damon was more of a Streisand. But I gotta give him credit... he's rockin' the shit in this one!"
"You know that movie 'School of Rock'? Well... this is 'School of... well you know. Except this one stars Jack Blackcock."
Okay... i think its out of my system now.
We really, really are. :D
Just watch it a few hundred more times, Clint, and then you can be cool like us! C'mon, peer pressure, peer pressure!
Oh, can't you just pressure me into doing drugs or something?
Clinton,
re: 5 and 6...am laughing out loud. Just got strange look from co-worker, who did actually confirm that he would be touched upon recieving a rusty trombone.
I would also be extremely impressed with any guy who could replicate Chicken rings...
Ah, Chicken Rings; the one true way to a woman's heart. Especially if there's BBQ sauce involved.
I'd have to agree there. Chicken Rings are divine. :) And a fine substitute for heroin if there's none at hand.
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