Monday, January 29, 2007

I Should Be On Television

I came to a pretty momentous decision this weekend and I want to share it with all of you, my pleasant-smelling and almost unfairly attractive readers. After much soul-searching, a fair stretch of meditation and a long bout of drinking Bushmill's straight from the bottle while curled up in the bathtub, I have decided that I, Clinton Davis, need to be on television. "But C-Dog, you're lumpy and coarse, with a face like whiskery pizza dough. How can you be on the tube without making America's collective gorge rise in its throat?" Well, the fact of the matter is, you don't have to be all that attractive to star in your own program. Two words: Dennis Franz. That guy looked like a plumber and he won Emmys. Besides, clearly I've got the required chops. Here's me conveying an emotion:

If you guessed that I was being "coquettish," you're correct! I'd also have accepted "dying from the Typhoid."

At any rate, with this idea in mind, I've decided to get proactive. I know how hard it is to break into the biz, so I'm going to use this space to point out which shows I should be a part of and, of course, provide some helpful casting suggestions with regards to the roles for which I'd be perfect. Because who knows an actor better than himself? Nobody, that's who. So, to it then:

Shows That I Would Be Excellent On

Lost - I know they've got a pretty tight cast dynamic right now, which is one of the reasons we love the show so much, but what they don't have is a wisecracking kid from the streets who's been around the block a few times and knows which side his bread is buttered on. I'd play T.J. McSweet and I'd be discovered among the wreckage of another plane crash where I was the only survivor, along with a bunch of professional bikini models. My knowledge of unique slang and my ability to "hustle" would prove invaluable; I foresee a gripping story arc where I attempt to sell The Others a boosted car stereo while simultaneously keeping a floating craps game up and running right under the noses of Locke and Jack.

Desperate Housewives - Easy. I'd be the first Desperate HouseHUSBAND!!! I'd have an air of mystery around me, naturally, and eventually my secret past as a millionaire playboy would be uncovered by Eva Longoria's character after we had a steamy, passionate affair that came with a parental advisory warning. I imagine the producers would want a lot of long, lingering shots of me on the front lawn, all sweaty from mowing, taking my shirt off in slow-motion. I'd be happy to oblige, of course.

ER - I'd be a perfect for this show if for no other reason than I'm often told that I look exactly like George Clooney if he were hit repeatedly in the face with an aluminum baseball bat. I could be the newest hotshot, super-doc who's a bit of a bad boy but really has a heart of solid gold. Because he was an orphan. They'll probably want to write in a showy drug problem for me, which would be awesome; I can already envision the episode that'll win me the Emmy: I've just finished shooting up heroin between my toes when a thirty-car pile up forces me into action. Can you even fathom how bad ass my acting will be as I save a bunch of school kids from being blown up in a bus while I'm riding the dragon known as Sweet Lady H? Man, that Emmy's going to look tight on my bookshelf.

House - I'm not really familiar with this show, but I do know it's popular, which means that it'd be perfect for my particular brand of acting skills. I'd play bright-eyed idealist Jimmy, an up-and-comer in the real estate game. I'd help the lead guy, the British one, sell houses and basically be Robin to his Batman. In a non-gay way, of course. No, actually, "gay" is in right now. I'd be his sidekick/lover and he teach me all he knows about how to sell a house in this crazy renters-market world. I don't know how much mileage this show's going to be able to get out of this whole real estate-drama thing, so I should probably have a drug problem on this show too, just to keep it lively.

CSI - I'd be a pretty spectacular corpse, got to say.

Law & Order: SVU - I can also play a molested corpse. I'm way versatile.

24 - Jack Bauer walks into CTU and gets the attention of everyone. He speaks: "I'd like to introduce you all to my new partner, Special Agent Radly McCool. He's an expert in martial arts, he knows how to kill a man forty different ways with a ballpoint pen, and he's one hell of a ladies man. He's already had lots of edgy, boundary-pushing sex with my daughter, who's just smokin' hot. Anyway, here he is, parachuting in through the skylight while fist fighting a Nazi or whoever we're fighting this go around!!! Agent McCool, you're better than me!!!"

Heroes - Do they already have a Superman on that show? Because if not, I'd be an awesome Superman. As a bonus, I already own the tights.


Anonymous Giggleloop said...

Plus, you could probably totally get an Emmy for the episode of 24 where Agent McCool gets brutally tortured by terrorists (but of course remains tough-and-cool enough to not give up any goverment secrets), and Jack arrives to save you just in time to watch you have a really dramatic tear-jerking death scene -- and then Jack vows to avenge your death and stuff. *sniffle* Oh Radly McCool, we hardly knew ye.

2:17 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Radly McCool doesn't die. Unless he gets a better offer from another TV show. Then he goes out in a hail of dramatic bullets. And also has cancer.

2:27 PM  
Anonymous Giggleloop said...

Or maybe they make him the Head of CTU, since ya know, everybody gets to take turns doing that job at one point or another. :)

2:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The CSI/SVU joke was perfect! You are very versatile

5:57 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Aw, thanks much! I can also juggle three bowling pins while delicately icing a wedding cake. But there's just no market for that.

8:24 PM  
Blogger Justin said...


Good....god. I just laughed until I snorted milk out my nose (replace: milk. with: snot). I'm particularly looking forward to your ER appearance...Sweet Lady H is no match for your press-on-em-ness as you administer any number of what-have-yous to the wounded!

Great post. I love yer blog, and read every new post.


1:45 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Thanks dude! Sorry to inpire a snot rocket, though. I suggest Windex for your computer screen.

Yeah, I'm going to be pretty sweet on ER; I've been working on tying myself off for my big dramatic scenes and, must say, I look like I've been doing Sweet Lady H my whole life. Which I totally haven't.

2:00 PM  

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