Friday, July 07, 2006

MTV: Popular Music And Scars For Life

Don't ask me how it happened because I'm not entirely sure, but this morning I found myself watching, of my own free will, a seven-or-eight minute chunk of MTV programming. Please folks, I know you're scared, but get your hand off the phone; the police can't do anything now and an ambulance's arrival would only provoke me into a frenzy of pouty-stomps and shouted demands that I, "get to sound the siren or I'll hold my breath 'til I'm all blue n' stuff!!!"

Nobody needs that.

Anyway, MTV... yeah, so I've admited here before that I'm not exactly current in my music tastes or even, truthfully, awareness, but even I was shocked to see how bad things have gotten on the musical landscape, or at least the musical landscape that's relevent to the 15-year-old girls and newbie gangstas of the world.

Apparently, the ideal musician these days is a gaunt, sallow young man with pretentious hair, femme body language and a pretty severe case of epilepsy. This was particularly evident in the video for a band called, I believe, Taking Back Sunday in which the lead singer gyrated around so much that I was afraid he was going to bite off his own tounge before the paramedics could administer the appropriate anti-seizure medications. I was further disconcerted by the fact that bass player standing behind him looked exactly like a deli-owner from Queens as opposed to someone who should be actively filmed for other's amusement.

Further compounding my horror was the video for a musical outfit known as AFI. Each member of the band appeared to be a subtle variation on what happens to people from deeply religious backgrounds once they go away to college and hear The Velvet Underground for the first time. Of course, because they have nothing but heresay and conjecture to base their look on, they do it wrong and start dressing like goth versions of World War Two soldiers (what is up with that, by the way?) and begin an eye make-up addiction so powerful they make Karen Oh look like a Disney store employee.

Then they get famous for writing music that actual curdles milk and that's when I stumble upon them at 7:30 in the morning, instantly recoiling at the mere sight of their milky, greasy skin and trying hard not to black out.

Following my encounter with these two troupes of hobgoblinish nightmares, they showed a video of a black guy in glasses who rapped over a bunch of skateboarding footage.

After that, my head just exploded.

4 Comments:

Blogger LeAnnsacc said...

I think they waited on me at Arby's yesterday!

12:09 PM  
Blogger Braden said...

"Hey Grandpa ... go buy a shirt!"

This is what I imagine a teen or tween might yell at you upon reading this divisive music television missive. I wouldn't know why they'd yell it, and neither would you, because their insults, like their bands, are confusing and dumb.

And really, I saw the nicest bermuda polo at ROSS the other day. How could anyone make fun of such savings?

Finally, if you look to your left, I can show you a graph which charts the direct relationship of Crappy Music Vs. Your Advancing Age. If you flip it, the line goes the other way!

1:40 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Fuck it.

I'm just going give into the ravages of age and start wearing slacks up to my armpits and attempting the Lindy Hop at all social functions.

Then I'm going drink a glass of buttermilk, wish my grandkids would call me, and take a long nap.

2:01 PM  
Blogger Braden said...

I do three or four of those things regularly, which I guess makes me--

Uh oh, time for my hourly plasma injection.

Now what was I going on about? Oh, yes. THE GIANTS WIN THE PENNANT! THE GIANTS WIN THE PENNANT! THE GIANTS WIN THE PENNANT!

5:04 PM  

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