Friday, April 28, 2006

Red Teeth vs. Metal Man: Goin' to the Showdown!!!

Champagne, Potato Chips, Penicillan and Silly Putty... all things created by accident, yet all are vital to the landscape of our lives. Penicillan in particular, should you be the sort that hangs around bus stations after midnight. Now, the time has come to introduce the newest member of the Happy Accident List (patent pending)...

Borne from the titles of two unrelated blog entries, crafted in the mind of a very handsome madman, and typed out in Times New Roman for all of humanity to bear witness... I give you, breathlessly and with a tear tracing my cheeck...

!!!RED TEETH Vs. METAL MAN!!!

Much like Spy Vs. Spy, Freddy Vs. Jason and Me Vs. Not Drinking, this will go down as one of the greatest battles of all time, thrilling all, scaring some, and confusing those who don't get references to 80's music and unhealthy snack foods.

So with out further fuss, part one of an on-going series...

RED TEETH Vs. METAL MAN: Goin' to the Showdown!!!

Red Teeth stomped about the deck of his horrifying and dusty pirate ship, stroking the ragged hank of hair that burst forth from his chin like so much straw from a scarecrow's guts. He clicked his nauseating red teeth (fangs, really) together in a tuneless cadence as he slowly scanned the horizon for land. Clutched in his right hand, a sword made of human bone, dripping with jewels and hand-painted with adorable frogs kissing on a lily pad, a design he tolerated because the sword was bought at a considerable discount. In his left hand, not really clutched so much as lightly grasped, a bag of Combos (Pizzerria Pretzel flavor) laid open, it's contents naked and ready for easy snacking to all of the world. But the world wouldn't dare try to take the fearsome Red Teeth's Combos... they would pull back a stump, surely, then they'd be slapped a few times with their own severed hand, and finally offered a Combo to console them.
The Combo's did little to soothe the savagery and hate that raged hot and smelly inside of Red Teeth's distended, tattooed belly. Nor did the cassette tape of whale songs that he had bought for the journey. In fact, the whale songs had only served to attract whales, which even now thundered against the bottom of the pirate ship, shaking it's frame and making Red Teeth wish he'd gotten that Annie Lennox greatest hits tape that he'd been eyeing instead.
But that was of little consequense right now. All that occupied Red Teeth's mind was the battle that would soon be at hand. His greatest nemises waited for him on a three-mile slip of island just about where the sun was setting... right off the Eastern coast of this country known as the United States. He rolled the island's name around in his mouth, savoring it with the salty bite of the final Combo. As he tossed the wrapper into the sea, he spoke the island's name aloud...

"Manhattan."

The island would come. And with it... Metal Man.


Coming soon... Part 2!!!!

4 Comments:

Blogger Braden said...

What in the?!

More!

NOW!!!

6:30 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Mmmm... in time, my love. In time.

6:34 PM  
Blogger phooky said...

Water? Yes. Sharks? No.

Zombies? Completely lacking.

Combo has some of the letters that "zombie" has in it, though.

7:12 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

The sharks and the zombies are all metephors for the class system. Please, try to keep up.

9:02 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home