Metal Man
I'm pretty sure I'd be an awesome metal singer.
I'm not saying that I'd be world-famous or anything; I don't think that I could distill the essence of metal into a tidy enough package that it would be accepted by the mainstream music listener. Also, I don't really like metal all that much... it's loud and it's fans tend to be, well, douchebags... so I probably wouldn't put my whole self into promoting any records I made and I'd flat-out refuse to meet n' greet with the fans. I have no tolorance for neck-tattooed sweaty guys who smell like 35 years of living in basements, bongwater spills and failure.
But, be that as it may, I think I would be an awesome metal singer. Why, specifically?
-I'm a big guy, stocky and, okay, "fat" wouldn't be too far afield, so when you dressed me up in the prerequisite chainmail and leather-gauntlets drag, I'd look dead-on like every single metal singer out there, with the possible exception of Danzig, because he's hunky, and I really don't even know if he's techincally a metal singer anyway.
-I can totally do all the screechy high parts and I can do the deep, rumble-o'-doom growl and I can go back and forth between the two like it ain't no thang. Blessed, me.
-You have to be on pretty good terms with Satan to truly be a metal god and, I'm not saying I know the guy personally or anything, but when I run into him late-night at a diner, he gives me the cool-guy head nod and I shoot him the "finger gun" and say something like, "There's a handsome devil..." and we share a knowing laugh. And once, he spotted me 1.50$ so I could add chicken to my Penne a la Vodka. Satan may not be my motor, exactly, but he's at least my carburator.
-I have my own eye-make up (for very manly reasons, okay) and I could probably get a black van for us to go on tour with, as long as we promise to gas it up and clean out the Doritos bags before we return it.
-Most importantly though, I quite simply rock so hard that anywhere I lay my hat, musically speaking, is my home. And I've decided metal is the home I want to rent-to-own.
I do wish I didn't think metal was kinda lame, though. Going to make all of this soooo much harder. Oh well... um, are you guys ready to rock?
I'm not saying that I'd be world-famous or anything; I don't think that I could distill the essence of metal into a tidy enough package that it would be accepted by the mainstream music listener. Also, I don't really like metal all that much... it's loud and it's fans tend to be, well, douchebags... so I probably wouldn't put my whole self into promoting any records I made and I'd flat-out refuse to meet n' greet with the fans. I have no tolorance for neck-tattooed sweaty guys who smell like 35 years of living in basements, bongwater spills and failure.
But, be that as it may, I think I would be an awesome metal singer. Why, specifically?
-I'm a big guy, stocky and, okay, "fat" wouldn't be too far afield, so when you dressed me up in the prerequisite chainmail and leather-gauntlets drag, I'd look dead-on like every single metal singer out there, with the possible exception of Danzig, because he's hunky, and I really don't even know if he's techincally a metal singer anyway.
-I can totally do all the screechy high parts and I can do the deep, rumble-o'-doom growl and I can go back and forth between the two like it ain't no thang. Blessed, me.
-You have to be on pretty good terms with Satan to truly be a metal god and, I'm not saying I know the guy personally or anything, but when I run into him late-night at a diner, he gives me the cool-guy head nod and I shoot him the "finger gun" and say something like, "There's a handsome devil..." and we share a knowing laugh. And once, he spotted me 1.50$ so I could add chicken to my Penne a la Vodka. Satan may not be my motor, exactly, but he's at least my carburator.
-I have my own eye-make up (for very manly reasons, okay) and I could probably get a black van for us to go on tour with, as long as we promise to gas it up and clean out the Doritos bags before we return it.
-Most importantly though, I quite simply rock so hard that anywhere I lay my hat, musically speaking, is my home. And I've decided metal is the home I want to rent-to-own.
I do wish I didn't think metal was kinda lame, though. Going to make all of this soooo much harder. Oh well... um, are you guys ready to rock?
posted by Clinton at 9:24 AM
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