Friday, April 28, 2006

Metal Man

I'm pretty sure I'd be an awesome metal singer.

I'm not saying that I'd be world-famous or anything; I don't think that I could distill the essence of metal into a tidy enough package that it would be accepted by the mainstream music listener. Also, I don't really like metal all that much... it's loud and it's fans tend to be, well, douchebags... so I probably wouldn't put my whole self into promoting any records I made and I'd flat-out refuse to meet n' greet with the fans. I have no tolorance for neck-tattooed sweaty guys who smell like 35 years of living in basements, bongwater spills and failure.

But, be that as it may, I think I would be an awesome metal singer. Why, specifically?

-I'm a big guy, stocky and, okay, "fat" wouldn't be too far afield, so when you dressed me up in the prerequisite chainmail and leather-gauntlets drag, I'd look dead-on like every single metal singer out there, with the possible exception of Danzig, because he's hunky, and I really don't even know if he's techincally a metal singer anyway.

-I can totally do all the screechy high parts and I can do the deep, rumble-o'-doom growl and I can go back and forth between the two like it ain't no thang. Blessed, me.

-You have to be on pretty good terms with Satan to truly be a metal god and, I'm not saying I know the guy personally or anything, but when I run into him late-night at a diner, he gives me the cool-guy head nod and I shoot him the "finger gun" and say something like, "There's a handsome devil..." and we share a knowing laugh. And once, he spotted me 1.50$ so I could add chicken to my Penne a la Vodka. Satan may not be my motor, exactly, but he's at least my carburator.

-I have my own eye-make up (for very manly reasons, okay) and I could probably get a black van for us to go on tour with, as long as we promise to gas it up and clean out the Doritos bags before we return it.

-Most importantly though, I quite simply rock so hard that anywhere I lay my hat, musically speaking, is my home. And I've decided metal is the home I want to rent-to-own.

I do wish I didn't think metal was kinda lame, though. Going to make all of this soooo much harder. Oh well... um, are you guys ready to rock?


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