Monday, March 22, 2010

The Health Care Bill

Because I care deeply about the world around me (HAHA, this IS fiction!), I stayed up all night reading the entire Health Care Reform Bill that passed through Congress last night. It was a lot to get through, and I dozed off a few times, and at one point I got distracted by that infomercial where they make a salad in 30 seconds just to shut up an old lady (it's the best thing ever) but... yeah... the whole bill... READ IT. There's some interesting stuff in there, so I thought I'd share what I learned with all of you. You, being the people out there too lazy to read government documents in your spare time. You're so lucky to have me, you know that, right? You're welcome I'm in your life.

(send money)

Finally, a Cure For AIDS!!!: The New Health Care Reform Bill

-Doctors are now required by law to let you use their stethoscopes to listen to your butt.
-All the pills in a given hospital will be laid out in a big bowl by the admittance desk. Go ahead and take what you need. (the blue ones make everything awesome for a little while!)

-If you want cancer because all your friends have cancer and you feel left out, the government will totally give you cancer now.

-You know that one disease where you bleed out of everywhere? Ebola? Man, that's gross. Haha, also diarrhea is gross!!!

-This is really more of a side benefit, but the passing of the Health Care bill combined with the powers of Facebook really helps you figure out who exactly on your Friends List is a right-wing lunatic. Unfriending them means you're a Socialist, but it's the price you pay for not wanting to firebomb your high school every time you log on to check your squash growth on Farmville.

-Heart surgeries are now 2-for-1 with a coupon from the Penny Saver.

-All cast members of ER are now licensed to practice medicine. All cast members of Grey's Anatomy are gaywads.

-There's a part in here that says the Government gets to keep our babies. Hm... guys... we probably should have read all of this thing BEFORE we got it passed...

-Can't find where it's mentioned specifically, but I assume this means that weed is now legal.

-Free cotton swabs for everybody!!!


Blogger Unknown said...

I'm partial to Eriq La Salle. And cotton swabs!!

7:05 PM  
Blogger Erratic said...

Can you please direct me to the nearest bowl of free pills?

8:36 PM  
Blogger Meat Sweats said...

I'll split the 2-for-1 heart surgery with you.

10:35 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

Clinton, that picture was a birthday gift for you, not the world!

8:58 AM  
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