Monday, July 14, 2008

The Miss Universe Pageant: A How-To Guide

NOTE: Last night, in direct defiance of an almost overwhelming global apathy, a brand-spankin' new Miss Universe was crowned. Through a network of dogged, undercover reporters posing as hair stylists and high-society cater/waiters, ZFS! has obtained detailed notes on exactly how one goes about pulling off this amazingly inconsequential feat...



A Guide To Winning The Miss Universe Contest, or, "Give Me The Fucking Crown, Bitch, Or I Will Cut Your Pretty Face!"

-Always strive to be at least 30% more plastic-y than your competition. Replace your skin with actual plastic, if you can. Top-level executives at Mattel will help you with this; your pageant coordinator should have their direct lines on speed dial.

-Your entry for the Talent portion of the competition? Handjobs.

-Make sure to tuck-and-tape back your penis well in advance of the show's start time. Sure, it's uncomfortable, but hey... no one said this was going to be easy on your penis.

-A little Vaseline on the teeth for that no-stick smile, a little spray starch on the butt to keep the bathing suit in place, and a freezer bag full of blow to make sure you stay balanced on the ragged edge of sanity that lies between total victory and hanging yourself in the closet of your hotel room because 1st Runner-Up is really just the first person to lose. Careful, though: Too little and you'll experience a total mental breakdown on live TV. Too much and your eyes will twitch so badly, the viewing audience will think you're trying to communicate with them via Morse code.

-Seems obvious, but maybe you could try to not fucking fall down like a retarded toddler at Wal-Mart. Just a thought.

-Make sure you've got the support of all your friends on MySpace and Facebook and YouTube and Open Diary and LiveJournal and all the other social networks to which you belong. You'll need their collective shoulders to cry on WHEN YOU LOSE BECAUSE MISS UNIVERSE SHOULDN'T SPEND ALL HER FUCKING TIME ON THE COMPUTER.... GET OVER HERE AND PRACTICE YOUR WALK!!! I'M NOT GETTING KNOCKED ON MY BUTT BY YOUR CLASSY ELEGANCE, YOUNG LADY!!! AGAIN!!! DO IT AGAIN!!!

-For the intimidation factor, it couldn't hurt to casually leave a loaded .357 Magnum on your dressing room make-up table.

-Never let 'em see you sweat! In fact, let's remove your sweat glands, just to be on the safe side.

-Based on the reactions of the judges and the results that ensued, here's a partial list of words and phrases to AVOID during the competition's Interview segment (taken directly from past broadcast transcripts):

"Well that fart TOTALLY ruined my original evening-wear gown."

"Satan"

"You have no idea how bad a pulled tain't muscle hurts."

"Vomitorium"

"Hang on... is it pronounced "clitoris," or "cliTORus?"

"Shanked"

"Back-alley abortions are just so expensive!"

"Donkey punch"

"It's getting harder and harder to find a vein that will take a needle."

"Holocaust"

-And last but certainly not least, don't forget to have fun out there! (if you lose, I will kill your parents in front of you with my daddy's nail gun; fucking see if I don't)

4 Comments:

Blogger Lioux said...

Oooh!

I've been looking for a beauty coach to help me win the upcoming Miss GalaxHe®™©™ Pageant.

You seem like you'd be the perfect and obvious choice, Clinton.

Interested?

11:13 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Of course!!! First stop, the Miss GalaxHe Pageant... then THE WORLD!!!!

11:42 AM  
Blogger Ross said...

Sub-tip: Shave very well before using duct tape to hide your penis.

I'm just sayin', it would be painful!

12:32 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Tell me about it. SOOOO painful.

1:50 PM  

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