Friday, July 11, 2008

Unused Pics: A Hard-Drive-Cleaning Pictorial

NOTE: All the photos in this pictorial have been hanging around on my computer for a while now, unused and unloved and, quite frankly, I'm sick of looking at them. So, in an effort to tidy things up a bit on this lovely Friday morning, let's take a look at the dregs of my hard drive. Because what else are we going to do? WORK? Ha... ha ha... it is to laugh...

A Clown Getting Arrested

A scene like this makes my heart swell with pride for our men and women in blue... out there on the mean streets, keeping the peace, busting serial killer clowns for their numerous and graphic atrocities (most of which involve elaborate basement dungeons and the ability to fashion dress slacks out of human skin). Now, granted, there's every chance in the world that this is one of the (very) few law-abiding, just here for to entertain the children, clowns... a few balloon animals, big shoes, a nose that beeps... all innocence and and laughter and wouldn't dream of jamming your head face-first into a running belt sander. And there's also every chance that the cop in question is an illiterate ex-jock with a small dick who joined the police force as a way of compensating for his textbook insecurities and thus goes around booking innocent party entertainment professionals to make himself look like a big, big man. I am totally open to either of those possibilities, or both. But c'mon... we all know what's REALLY going on here. Heroic cop, psycho clown, a duffel bag full of severed hands, and the moment in time when the killing finally stopped.
A Highway Strewn With A Destroyed Beer Shipment

Oh... god... I can hardly look this picture... when I do, it feels like someone punched me in the nuts with an atom bomb made of sorrow. How? How could someone let this happen? Even if it is Grolsch (which... eh), beer is beer and should never be treated in such a negligent manner. All smashed and broken on a German highway like so much rotten fruit left there to die by a cold, unfeeling God... WHAT DID THEY DO TO OFFEND YOU??? WHAT WAS THEIR SIN??? Fuck... I'm sitting here sobbing at my desk and everyone is looking and all I can do is silently mouth the words, "Beer... beeeeeer... why... beer..." Sorry, I don't handle large-scale tragedies very well.
"Master of Puppets" by Metallica

Soooo weird that this is on my hard drive. Like, okay, maybe not Twilight Zone weird, but definitely Outer Limits or maybe Night Gallery weird. Perhaps the level of weird found on the popular Nickelodeon program, Are You Afraid of the Dark? See, last night... and let me preface this by saying that I am NOT the kind of person who gets all up in your face about "the crazy dream I had that was so awesome let me tell you every fucking detail about it until your eyes fall out of your head from boredom," but this is just too banana bonkers to let it slide on by... but yeah, last night, I totally had a dream that I was in Metallica. And then I came in to work and found this on my hard drive. I KNOW!!! It's like a sign from the aliens that control our planet that I was MEANT to be in a thrash metal band! As of today, I'm growing out my hair and practicing my full-throated Hetfield growl. Oh, speaking of... have you seen him lately? Dude used to look like such a bad ass. Now he just looks like an ex-Hell's Angel that got a job at an insurance agency because he was getting killed on alimony but refuses to shave off the beard because that's how he let's shit ROAR!!! Seriously, what happened?
Three Pod People/Models
Beautiful... but they'll steal your soul. And actually, they're not all that beautiful. They just look like models... plasticky and pale and smelling like a pack of unfiltered Camels. The one on the left is an East German mail-order bride who's only doing this to pay for her mother's operation. The middle one is the only known photograph of a Wood Nymph that was startled by the camera flash. And the one on the right is a post-grad art student who makes sculptures about her eating disorder because therapy is too pricey (she's also the one of the three most likely to unironically own a beret).
Mr. Cool Ice

Wow. I was going to make a joke about what a total BAD ASS he is, all cartoony skeleton and big block letters, but then I realized that he probably totally is a bad ass. He has to be. You can only take the entire world snapping on your awful tattoos for so long before you say "fuck it" and learn some ju-jitsu just so you can take your shirt off at the beach like a normal person who doesn't have the worst mistake they ever made all over their body.


Blogger Nicole said...

I can't comment. I'm busy mourning all of that lost beer.

10:35 AM  
Blogger mmyers said...

If I had to guess what "Mr Cool Ice"'s story was, I'd say he was an Indy wrestler, working as a sanitation worker by day and wrestling at fairgrounds by night. Just a hunch.

10:47 AM  
Blogger Jason Quinones said...

i'd like to believe mr. cool ice is just an overly aggressive ice cream vendor.

that skull tattoo looks too goofy to be taken seriously.

11:08 AM  
Blogger Todd said...

I love pictures!
- That clown is creepy. It will haunt my dreams tonight.
- The beer made me sad too.
- I wanted (still want) to nail that hot chick from Are You Afraid of the Dark.
- The pod ladies look like vampires.
- Mr. Cool Ice makes me sad too.

11:11 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Brooklyn... It will get easier over time.

Mmyers... "wrestling at fairgrounds." Dude, seriously, nail on the head.

Jason... I know, right? He's like a junior high student's math class doodle come to life.

Todd... That clown's PROBABLY not under your bed, waiting... waiting...

11:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

a part of my dies inside every time i see that beer picture

11:40 AM  
Blogger Liöüx said...


I had dream you were in Metallica®™©™ too!!!

You play the electric triangle, right?

11:43 AM  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

That was lovely except for the gorey picture of the wasted beer. that is just graphic, shouldnt you had put a warning at the top of the post or something? I have put it on my hard drive now. Its like you threw out an old coffee table and I picked it out of the trash. or like you threw away a half eaten hotdog and I dished it out of the garbage like a common homeles person.

11:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, that's totally Carrot Top in the first pic. I always knew that the prop comic gig was a front.

And: "Damn you Detlef! I've told you 1,000 times!! We put the seatbelts on the BEER when we travel on the autobahn!!!"

Random. And Hilarious.


3:42 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Wish... It really is just the saddest thing.

Lioux... Electric mouth harp, actually. It's tingly.

Bill... Sorry, sorry, you're right; that needed some sort of heads up. I *can* offer you some post-trauma therapy though.

Sonny... Oh, that Detlef! (I smell a sitcom). Also, thanks!

9:07 AM  

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