Thursday, July 10, 2008

Arbitrary Rulings 15 (Elements of Nature)

Fire - Brilliant, particularly when you consider all the wonderful things it's done for the world of cooked meats. I mean, yes, the people out there who've lost everything to a raging inferno might have some harsh words for our friend Fire, as would the people who are now a human-sized lump of scar tissue due to their involvement in a petroleum factory explosion, but... I don't know... their problems seem kind of small when placed next to an expertly seared and seasoned steak and/or a plate piled high with fresh-from-the-grill sausages. And when you realize that the word "Fire" itself figures prominently in the greatest song ever written ("The Devil Went Down To Georgia" by The Charlie Daniels Band), well then, I think we call agree that this is one element that is truly... wait for it... wait for it... HOT!!! Ha! Get it?!?! See what I did there? Oh man, I am such a good writer, it's fucking scary.

Water - It keeps us from stinking up the joint, so that's nice, but... um... the planet is 70% covered by the stuff. A bit much, don't you think? Water is cool, don't get me wrong, but it's like, jeez, can't we have some time to ourselves without it always taking up 70% of our world's mass? And from what I hear, the polar ice caps are about to melt and that means there's going to be more water hanging around, invading our global personal space and, really, I'm just not comfortable with that. Water, we like you as a friend, but all this closeness is creeping us out. Why don't you go chill in Africa for a little while... they're all famine-y, so they would probably really appreciate your company. Oh and, um, the hurricanes...? Real mature. Maybe if you took some anger management classes, we wouldn't mind having you around so much. Just sayin'...

Wind - Love it when it blows my hair around all shampoo commercial sexy, and it's nice when it pumps cool air into my bedroom on a muggy, Summer night, but mostly the Wind is just this unreliable hippie that wanders in and out of peoples lives at whim, never a care in the world. Yeah man, I'm an alternative energy source! Wooo, let's go parasailing!!! KITES... Kites for everyone!!! And then it's gone... dead seas, limp windsocks, crashed hangliders at the bottom of a canyon... and we're left to wonder what we ever saw in Wind in the first place. Of all the elements, it's the most like a deadbeat dad who shows up on Christmas with a Nerf football and then leaves again to go find another wife at whatever strip club happens to be closest to the freeway that heads out of town. Unacceptable behavior, Wind.

Earth - What can you say about Earth? We have to have it... we need it. Otherwise, we'd be floating around in space like a bunch of assholes. And that's the just the problem... Earth is so necessary, it's fucking annoying. It can basically do whatever it wants because it KNOWS we can't do anything about it. Run out of oil? Shake around and destroy parts of SoCal and Tokyo? Maybe a volcano all up in your shit? Yeah, the Earth will do all of that AND MORE if it goddamn well pleases. And it does, because it hates us. You think it likes having crops grown in it? With all the digging and irrigating and the liberal usage of a backhoe that that implies? Of course not... you'd hate it too. And quite frankly, Earth doesn't need us like we need it. It's just soil and soil don't need shit from nobody. In other words, we're Earth's bitch. And we have to just smile and take it. Until we build a orbiting city around the Moon, of course.

C-dog - That's right. Me. I'm the fifth element of nature. Suck on that, everyone else that's not me!!! What's that...? HOW did I get to be the fifth element of nature? Well, it was a combination of things really. First, there's my obvious awesomeness. Then there's the fact that I can control the tides with my mind (this chick taught me how to do it at Theater Camp when I was fourteen). But mostly, it's because I went down to Element HQ and filled out an application, waited patiently for their call, went through a lengthy interview process while wearing a number of flattering neckties, and then was willing to take a small pay cut in an effort to "play ball" with their recent budget crunch. It's a slight lifestyle adjustment, but hey... how often do you get to be one of nature's elements? If nothing else, it's going to look GREAT on my resume.


Anonymous wishmewell said...

what about heart?

captain planet would be pissed!

10:45 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...

Hey Clinton, I've always wondered...

How come you and water weren't part of that 1970's musical supergroup sensation?

11:18 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Wish... That dude owes me money.

Lioux... Water had a heroin "issue" and, as for me, well they wouldn't let me sing lead. So fuck them.

11:27 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...


ABBA®™©™ can SUCK IT!

11:38 AM  
Blogger Hex said...

You're the 5th element?

Wow bro, kinda let yourself go a bit after that movie, didn't ya?

12:30 PM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

Wow, I really hope that you put "Fifth Element" on your resume!

12:30 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Hex... Yeah, well, Bruce stopped calling and then I did a bunch of lousy zombie movies... times is tough.

Brooklyn... Done and done.

1:13 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

Damn. Someone already beat me to the movie joke.

8:55 AM  

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