Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Dork Cops!

Oooookay... these adorable, entirely non-threatening officers that you see here are apparently the newly appointed police force set to guard the upcoming Beijing Olympic games. On Segways. While doing the "I gotsta go peepers!!!" crouch and holding what appears to be the My First Semi-Automatic Weapon, From Hasbro.
Beijing... guys... c'mon. Look, we appreciate the effort, really, but you're simply going to have to do better than the Scooter Squad if you're going to be in charge of protecting our world's greatest athletes. I mean, granted, should a terrorist happen to catch a glimpse of your elite band of motorized junior high school kids, there's every chance that he'll fall down on the spot laughing his ass off and thus can be... what... roped to the back of the Segway and dragged down to the station for questioning? I guess if you REALLY wanted to send a message, you could tie each of his limbs to a different Segway and have them take off in opposite directions; it would be the slowest, saddest Drawing and Quartering ever recorded, but those guys are big on shame and honor, so you might have something to work with there. Oh, except that it wouldn't work AT ALL because Segways can be knocked to the ground with a light fart, so you know, maybe nix that idea altogether.
Seriously, what's wrong with some motorcycles? Even a Vespa would inspire more menace, and that's saying something, seeing as how the Vespa is the bright pink, wet vagina of the motorcycle family. But at least they can achieve a decent, respectable top speed; there's actually a chance of, ya know, catching a bad guy. With a Segway, you'd be lucky to nip at his heels while he took a warm-up jog before breaking into a dead sprint and disappearing over the horizon.
No, no... nope... no good, Beijing. This won't work at all. But hey, you've still got a month or so before the games kick off. There's still time. Might I suggest skateboards? Rollerblades? Hell, even Razor scooters? Anything but the Segways. Because nobody fears the Dork Cops. Nobody.


Blogger Lioux said...

Totally, Clinton.

I just eluded some of these douchebags the other night on my getaway pogo stick.

9:58 AM  
Blogger Sally Tomato said...

There were dork cops in Chicago at Millennium Field last year and I proposed (not jokingly) that I make like I'm stealing my friend's purse and see if the cops give me chase on their stupid Segway. But we didn't have a video camera so we abandoned the plan.

10:25 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Lioux... Your getaway pogo stick makes me smile.

Tomato... Yeah, you really need to film those kind of things. Otherwise, the jail sentence isn't worth it.

10:32 AM  
Anonymous JustinS said...

Man, times like these I wish I had some Photoshop skillz. 'Cause the idea of replacing the tanks in this:

with your Segway cops cracks me up.

Oh, or remaking some old Keystone Cops bits with the Segway cops.

And I've got the Benny Hill theme stuck in my head now, picturing these guys chasing baddies.

11:30 AM  
Blogger stew said...

I'm sorry but if you happen to be a mugger or escaped convict or arsonist with a nagging hamstring injury or something in your shoe like a rock or a piece of glass or something or you have a really, really pressing need to pee these guys strike pure, cold terror in your heart.

12:13 PM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

the dork knights??

1:03 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

But they're so little and cute on their little Segways!

5:37 PM  
Blogger Hex said...

..Are those water guns?

Yeah, that's sort of embarrasing.

9:45 AM  
Blogger The Wild World Of Halley said...

May I have your permission to repost this on my Myspace page for my friends to read. This is just way to funny not to share.

Kristina De La Rosa Halley

6:43 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Kristina... Knock yourself out. And thanks!!!

6:49 PM  
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