Ash Wednesday Alternatives

Depending on where you live, you're going to see a lot of people walking around looking like this...

Actually, they'll just have the head smudge; it's highly unlikely that people will be walking around your city with a priest's thumb on their forehead. If they are walking around with a priest's thumb on their forehead, they're probably a serial killer. Run away! (Yes, they might also be a priest and it might be their thumb; best not to chance it, though) Look, the point is, there's going to be a lot of "Smudgies" out there. Do not be alarmed. It's because it's Ash Wednesday today. For those of you don't know, the story of Ash Wednesday is this: Jesus wanted some ashes on his forehead, so he did it. Then everybody else started doing it too, like that one time in the eighth grade when I started wearing a different colored Converse on each foot and everyone started copying me. Of course, when I called them on it, they all said that they'd seen it on an episode of Blossom and that only girls wore their shoes like that and, what was I, a girl? Huh, Davis, are you a pretty, pretty girl!!! Anyway, that's why I spent most of eighth grade crying in the nurse's office.

Wait, what were we talking about...

Oh, right: Ash Wednesday. So, Jesus started wearing ashes around and so did everyone else and it became the hottest fashion accessory in Jerusalem since not being covered in camel poo. And so, every February 21st, people who want to be like Jesus wear the ashes to prove how cool they are. At least, that's my understanding of the situation. I'll admit I didn't research this whole thing as carefully as I could have, however, whatever.

Now, I, personally, am not one to go around rubbing ashes on my head. Seems a little icky. However, I do think that Jesus had a pretty good idea, style-wise, about wearing a nifty symbol on your forehead. I mean, the forehead is basically just this big, blank billboard that we're not doing anything creative with; hell, some people even try to hide their foreheads with Ugly Betty bangs. That just seems like a waste. So, because I really care about the good of my fellow peoples, here's some alternative to the smudged ash cross:

Ash Wednesday Alternatives

NOTE: These are good for any day of the year; don't let the calender tell YOU when you can wear crap on your forehead!

Lipstick Kiss - This says, "I love the ladies!" Which is perfect, if you're a guy who does in fact love the ladies and doesn't care who knows it. What's more, by adjusting the shade of red, you can go from "I like gentle, Librarian types" to "I love whores."

Sparkly Star - This one will give you an awesome, Bowie-esque look that lets everyone know you're a glam, fabulous space-being. Be warned, though: Glitter gets all over the damn place. Also, people might ask you to sing "Ziggy Stardust," so make sure you know the words.

Nike Logo - People will assume that you're an athlete and, as we all know, athletes get laid like all the time. Mostly, they don't even have to pay for it. Nike might sue you, though.

An Adorable Teddy Bear - Awwwww!!!! AWWWWWW!!!!!

Swastika - Er... I mean, you can do what you like.... but... probably not such a hot idea. I'm uncomfortable just talking about. I really wish you'd stop bringing this stuff up.

Peace Symbol - It's nice that you like peace and all, but it's 2007. Peace is kind of "done." Also, people will think you're a hippie and, thus, will assume you smell bad.

A Picture of George W. Bush, But With a Big "X" Over It - Yeah, that'll show him who's boss of this country!!!

Boobies- Heh... boobies.

Any other suggestions?