Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Ash Wednesday Alternatives

Depending on where you live, you're going to see a lot of people walking around looking like this...

Actually, they'll just have the head smudge; it's highly unlikely that people will be walking around your city with a priest's thumb on their forehead. If they are walking around with a priest's thumb on their forehead, they're probably a serial killer. Run away! (Yes, they might also be a priest and it might be their thumb; best not to chance it, though) Look, the point is, there's going to be a lot of "Smudgies" out there. Do not be alarmed. It's because it's Ash Wednesday today. For those of you don't know, the story of Ash Wednesday is this: Jesus wanted some ashes on his forehead, so he did it. Then everybody else started doing it too, like that one time in the eighth grade when I started wearing a different colored Converse on each foot and everyone started copying me. Of course, when I called them on it, they all said that they'd seen it on an episode of Blossom and that only girls wore their shoes like that and, what was I, a girl? Huh, Davis, are you a pretty, pretty girl!!! Anyway, that's why I spent most of eighth grade crying in the nurse's office.
Wait, what were we talking about...
Oh, right: Ash Wednesday. So, Jesus started wearing ashes around and so did everyone else and it became the hottest fashion accessory in Jerusalem since not being covered in camel poo. And so, every February 21st, people who want to be like Jesus wear the ashes to prove how cool they are. At least, that's my understanding of the situation. I'll admit I didn't research this whole thing as carefully as I could have, however, whatever.
Now, I, personally, am not one to go around rubbing ashes on my head. Seems a little icky. However, I do think that Jesus had a pretty good idea, style-wise, about wearing a nifty symbol on your forehead. I mean, the forehead is basically just this big, blank billboard that we're not doing anything creative with; hell, some people even try to hide their foreheads with Ugly Betty bangs. That just seems like a waste. So, because I really care about the good of my fellow peoples, here's some alternative to the smudged ash cross:
Ash Wednesday Alternatives
NOTE: These are good for any day of the year; don't let the calender tell YOU when you can wear crap on your forehead!
Lipstick Kiss - This says, "I love the ladies!" Which is perfect, if you're a guy who does in fact love the ladies and doesn't care who knows it. What's more, by adjusting the shade of red, you can go from "I like gentle, Librarian types" to "I love whores."
Sparkly Star - This one will give you an awesome, Bowie-esque look that lets everyone know you're a glam, fabulous space-being. Be warned, though: Glitter gets all over the damn place. Also, people might ask you to sing "Ziggy Stardust," so make sure you know the words.
Nike Logo - People will assume that you're an athlete and, as we all know, athletes get laid like all the time. Mostly, they don't even have to pay for it. Nike might sue you, though.
An Adorable Teddy Bear - Awwwww!!!! AWWWWWW!!!!!
Swastika - Er... I mean, you can do what you like.... but... probably not such a hot idea. I'm uncomfortable just talking about. I really wish you'd stop bringing this stuff up.
Peace Symbol - It's nice that you like peace and all, but it's 2007. Peace is kind of "done." Also, people will think you're a hippie and, thus, will assume you smell bad.
A Picture of George W. Bush, But With a Big "X" Over It - Yeah, that'll show him who's boss of this country!!!
Boobies- Heh... boobies.
Any other suggestions?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are such a moron!

2:50 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Um... you can be really mean sometimes, Anonymous...

2:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How boorish of you , Stick to data entry

3:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is so disrespectful

3:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with the above. Next time when you're trying to be offensive, AT LEAST try to be funny and/or clever.

Very weak entry.

3:38 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

I thought it was funny. Leave it to anonymous commenters to be cranky.

3:53 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Well, that's the internet for you.

3:54 PM  
Blogger Alanna said...

This is totally hilarious. Don't be haters.

4:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this Catholic got a kick out of it (although maybe my judgment is impaired by the Ash Wednesday fast)

4:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, don't be such a pussy. "SERIOUSLY wasn't trying to be offensive....just an idea I had...thought it was funny." You're talking about people's religion, and mocking it--clearly going for offensive humor of the "I can't believe he went there!" variety. Don't cop out by claiming it's a just a joke. That's as bad as people who lead off black jokes with "I'm really not racist, but I heard this one joke..." Take pride in your Sara Silverman-emulating post. Claim it for what it is.

4:15 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

You're absolutely right, Anonymous person. I'm a knee-jerk apologizer, sometimes. Thanks for the swift kick in the ass.

And to Alanna and other, non-mean Anonymous person, muchas gracias!

4:17 PM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

Thing is dude... Ash Wednesday isn't yearly Feb 21st thing clearly yr not down with the Catholic holy days of obligation.

Regardless... I overslept and missed my ashes before work this morning so in an effort to not look like a Christmas/Easter Cath I burned a newspaper and performed my own Ash Wednesday ceremony.


4:18 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Very resourceful, you.

And you're right; I've no clue what I'm talking about. That's generally the case, actually.

4:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I especially enjoyed the part where you wrote "Jesus wanted some ashes on his forehead, so he did it."
I like that you don't try to psychoanalyze Jesus or his ashed-up forehead, or try to find out his reasons for doing it. He just did it. Right on!

I might do the sparkly star thing, and I DO know me some Ziggy Stardust!

5:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a big zit in the middle of my forhead. Looks like a hindi dot.

5:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree that you need to own up to your feelings...Even if it's all in fun, don't apologize while dissing the Catholics. It's too "on the fence."

5:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jesus Loves you, jerk!

5:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This isn't offensive, it's just bland and boring. (The first paragraph wasn't bad, though.)

But if you thought it was offensive you're stupid. If you found it funny you might even be stupider, though.

5:53 PM  
Blogger FrancesDanger said...

Umm, I'm a "smudgie" and I think this entry is hilarious. Anonymously attacking a person who puts himself out there daily for your amusement is juvenile, petty, and jugemental in a way that should not be happening, especially on a Holy Day of Obligation. I'm fairly certain Clinton's not the one who has got things twisted around here.

And I for one would like to add the anarchy symbol to your list. Nothing more punk rock than that!

5:57 PM  
Blogger Tracy Kaufman said...

When I was a kid I used to wear a Chiquita banana sticker on my forehead because I read about it in a Ramona Quimby book. It was stylin'!

6:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you though this postwas funny at all, you're not a TRUE Catholic. Believes of the TRUE FAITH would never mock JESUS. JESUS is our SAVIOR, and this garbage is blasphemy.

6:05 PM  
Blogger Nathan said...

I'm religious...I've got ashes on my forehead right now, actually. And I think this is hysterical. If you can't have a sense of humor about religion, you're pretty much sunk. Or a bit twat. In my book, anyway.

6:10 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

When I was walking home, this guy with a big hat drove by in a glass car and gave me the finger.

6:14 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Also, big love to Kathy, FrancesDanger, Sloth, Big Daddy and Nathan, plus the others I mentioned earlier; all of them are people who've got your back in a bar fight.

6:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think someone here needs to lighten up a little. If you think this post is blasphemous, you need to take a long look at the real world you live in. Either that... or put 666 on your forehead. People love that!

PS- I am both Christian and Republican..... so suck on that!

7:28 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Go get'em, Scotty!!!! You're my BOY!!!

7:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I see you took down the later post about your former employer.

Someone get litigious?

8:34 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Nah, nothing like that. It's going back up in the morning. I took it down orginally because there was so much focus on the this post, I didn't want it to get overlooked.

Just giving it a little breathing room.

9:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, I cried like a baby when JP2 died, and I found this post funny, not offensive. Not hilariously funny, but not at all offensive. Keep up the good work.

9:31 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Thanks, dude... I love, by the way, that you just refered to the late Pope as JP2. Thumbs up!

9:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, I heard there are too openings in the Edwards's campaign for experienced bloggers

9:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Over 30 comments? Wow, I bet you didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition...

2:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not just funny, but accurate.

4:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Everyone just calm down for a second and think about the real reason for Ash Wednesday: the Evil Dead marathon on TBS Superstation.

4:48 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

J... Obviously, but then again, nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Jesus... When you posted a comment, it healed this one paper cut that I've got.

Braden... Praise be to Ash and his almighty boomstick.

7:25 AM  
Blogger Beehive Hairdresser said...

Leave it to the Catholics to complain... you should see them out to eat, always sending things back; nothing is ever good for them. Sheesh.

Before anyone gets negative, remember, sarcasm.

9:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, it's like a disco in here. An angry, angry disco.

I adored a girl named Virginia when I was 18. I called her up one day and asked if she'd like to go get some ice cream. She said she gave it up for Lint. I was like, "If you don't want to go, you can just say so."

I'd never heard of Lint.

10:19 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Beehive... Sarcasm and religion have never been in the same room together.

Mmyers... I'm going to start a new genre of music and I'm going to call it "Angry, Angry Disco."

11:16 AM  
Blogger Colleen said...

Wow. I just wonder how these anonymous haters (and arent' they always anonymous) found you. Were they googling "Ash Wednesday" trying to find blogs to anonymously post on?
And is there really an Evil Dead marathon on TBS that day? I love TBS.

3:05 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

No, they found me because Gawker linked to me in the Blogorrhea section. I'm cool with that, totally, because any kind of exposure is good exposure, even if people are saying I'm evil.

And I don't think there's really an Evil Dead marathon; Braden tells lies with his forked tounge. Just sayin'.

3:14 PM  
Blogger d said...

dangit. i'm totally sad i missed out on all of the fun. i'm really tired of the religious right not being able to take themselves less seriously. if you don't believe in jesus (and, honestly there are a LOT of people in the world who don't) then you can mock him all you want and it's not blasphemous.

if you don't like for people to say funny things about jesus, then don't read them.

it's that simple kids.

anonymous(es) need to lighten up.

i thought the post was hilarious. esp. 'heh...boobies.'

6:43 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Thanks, D. Yeah, it was a real clambake around here.

10:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

happy ash wednesday

6:03 AM  

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