The Pretty Girl Showdown

Two giant cups of coffee, three Red Bulls, and numerous sugary candies later... I now feel that I'm sufficiently pepped enough to talk about last nights cultural hot mess du jour, the Miss Universe pageant.

Now, for the record, I didn't watch the whole thing. If we're being entirely honest, I didn't even watch the majority of it's broadcast or, really, even know that it was on at all. My girlfriend happened to stumble upon the last half hour during a moment of channel surfing and we watched more out of a lack of options than any real, burning interest in who among the women of the Universe is prettiest.

Regardless, my general impressions of the final five, in order from first loser to first place:

Miss USA

Eh. She was Southern and, predictably, gave we Southerners a bad name. Big hair, overly tan, dumb as a rock... she actually made a comment about "wearing her heart on her shoulder" during the question and answer period. I assume that she meant "sleeve," but... Jesus Christ, USA, at least learn your trite expressions correctly before you get on national TV. Only adding to her unpleasantness was her dress; even though it was brown, it looked normal, even pretty, all the way down to her knees. Once there, it exploded into a giant ruffley poof that gave the impression that she'd been hammered into a giant meatball.

Miss Paraguay

She was very pretty; a less threatening Catherine Zeta-Jones. Otherwise, she failed to leave any sort of impression one way or the other. I remember her dress was green and I remember at once point, she said something. That's about it.

Miss Switzerland

The winner of the Most Resembling a Barbie Doll award. Not bad looking (if a bit plastic), save for a giant, throbbing forehead vein. You could actually take her pulse just by watching her interview. Fairly unflattering pink dress, big blonde hair, cute accent... Not bad, overall, but pretty standard pageant fare.

Miss Japan

Should have won. Totally gorgeous, neat black lacy dress, smart answers... the total package. Apparently she speaks like 9 languages or something. Did I mention she was way hot? Anyway, she was my fave, but in the judges eyes, she was no match for Miss Bootylicious...

Miss Puerto Rico

To be fair, she was quite stunning. My biggest problem was that you could make out the exact definition of her skull just by looking at her head. Beauty queens shouldn't resemble Ghost Rider in any way shape or form, but that's just my opinion. I do think it's worth mentioning that, of all the five, she was showing the most boobage. Hmmm... wonder if that had anything to do with her wearing the crown this morning?

Anyway, it was interesting, I guess. If you're into vaguely automaton women in expensive evening wear. And who isn't? Note: If I made any mistakes in dress color, nationalities, or anything else, remember... I don't care.