The Junk Food Tsar Tries New Things

I like to think of myself as a bit of a junk food expert. No, I'm not necessarily thrilled with this fact; it's kind of like someone proclaiming themselves the World's Greatest Deadbeat Dad or the King of Farts. Nonetheless, I cannot ignore my calling; if it's got a shelf-life past twenty years, contains more fat content than actual unprocessed fat and is Nacho Cheeze flavored, well then, chances are it's passed between these lips during a late-night viewing of Evil Dead.

So you can imagine my twin emotions of excitement and shame when I'm confronted with a brand new (at least to me) snack food; something heretofore unseen amidst the Mustard-Flavored Pretzles and BBQ Bugles in the pantry of my heart. As it were.

Emily and I were in Chinatown yesterday, as is our Sunday-afternoon wont. We looked at the buckets of baby turtles and went, "Awww..." and we looked at the sawed-off pigs legs (hooves attached) in their display cases and went, "Ewww..." and wandered in and out of various little markets, comparison-shopping the dried squid. Now, a little background... since Em and I have been dating, she's talked fondly, even wistfully, about a certain Asian snack known as Prawn Crackers that she used to eat in High School. We've found them pre-bagged before but, no, those aren't the right ones. The good stuff, the Texas T of the Asian snack-cracker world, are the ones that you throw into a pan of hot oil and they, as she put it, "puff up." We've searched for them before, of course, to no avail and whenever we're down Chinatown way, we'll keep an eye out. Disheartening results tend to follow and I became, over time, convinced that she was making it up to look cool in the eyes of me, the Junk Food Tsar.

You always find the things you're looking for when you're not paying attention. Almost by accident, we stumbled across them in a random, though well-stocked, fish-market on Baxter Street.

For shame! They're real! For joy! New junk food!

We hustled home, bounty in tow, and I steeled myself for a new, possibly mind-expanding, snack experience.

Pan on the stove, oil heating up, she opened the bag. Exposed, the Prawn Crackers in their un-puffed state, are science fiction bizarre. Imagine multi-colored, glass, potato chips and you're in the neighborhood. But when a handful are thrown into the now-hot oil... magic. Like watching a time-lapse video of flowers blooming, the pan is suddenly full of exploding color rising from the oil with only a faint sizzle as background music. They do, in fact, as Em said, puff up. There's no other way to put it. Em ladles each one out, now at least 10 times it's original size, and places it on a paper towel to wick away the extra oil. Soon, we had a pile on the plate that resembled a mass of festive styrofoam; pork rinds on their way to a party.

We sat down to eat them with a culturally-appropriate episode of Cowboy Bebop and I took my first tenuous bite. You have to be careful with snack foods from Asia because they, often times, taste like fried fish guts and, to our Western palates, are more useful as pranks and punishment than actual for-enjoyment consumables.

So... the verdict? Suprisingly tasty.

Almost the exact same texture as the aforementioned pork rinds, but extrodinarily, at least for Asian snack food, mild in flavor. A hint of seafood, a bit like french fries, and with a hint of a smoky overtone, wanting only for a dusting of salt to knock them out of the park. In short, a nice addition to the pantheon of snack foods for to eat while watching movies of questionable taste and merit. The only flaw is that, well, you have to do a bit of work to get them on your plate; fun, freaky-transforming work though it is.

Be that as it may, the Junk Food Tsar deems them worthy and that's all you good people need to worry your pretty little heads about. And be sure... I'm here, ever-vigilant, keeping watch for new and exciting, possibly lifestyle-altering, junk food on the horizon. For example, they just came out with Reese's Peanut Butter Cups with an added layer of marshmallow creme...

Quick, to the Junk Food Jalopy! Junk Food Tsar is on the case!!!