Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Film and Fast Cars

I've just been informed that I'll be reviewing Fast n' Furious 3: Japan Also Has Cars next week and I'll be real honest with you good folks.. not thrilled. I know it's my job to review movies, regardless, and I've probably sat through worse, but... I don't know. I've got a really bad feeling about this one. And it's not even the movie it's self that I fear. No. It's the audiance. The franchise's mix of cars, babes and non-challenging dialouge is ripe for a theater full of pop-collared frat boys, wannabe gangstas and the type of folks that consider Golden Corral to be a "special occassions" kind of restaurant.

The conditions are right for this screening to rival the worst reviewing experiance I've ever had, which I never thought would have been possible.

A few years ago, I was reviewing movies down in Austin. It was pretty much the same thing I'm doing now, but for a magazine with a readership of about 25 hipsters. But I was excited about it, whether anyone was reading me or not, and, end of the day, free movies are free movies. Anyway, I'd drawn the short straw and was assigned the unenviable task of covering The Rock's leading-man debut, The Scorpian King. Yes, it was an awful thing to go through at such a young age, but I put on a brave face and tried to make the best of it. Weeping openly and gnashing my teeth at an uncaring God helped, as did drinking.

The screening it's self was what's known in the biz as a "promo" or an "all-media" or, amongst ourselves, "a place that turns it's back on all that is light and good." See, these "promo" screenings are free to the general public and, in Austin, the free tickets are given out at Wal-Mart. I think you see where I'm going with this. NASCAR t-shirts abounded; there was a collective dental hygiene present that made Shane MacGowan look like an ADA spokesmodel, and the stink of Skoal permeated everything. My friend David, who came with me despite all sanity and reason, and I took our seats and hunkered down. The hooting and shrieking started soon after the credit roll and did not cease throughout the movie's length. Whenever The Rock was off screen, the audiance became confused and hostile. When he reappeared, it was like the Second Coming. Shouts of "Hossanah" and dancing in the aisle. Fortunantly, I missed a lot of the goings on due to the fact the woman behind me had become stuck like a scratched CD, now only capable of saying, "He so fine... mmm..." every twenty seconds at top volume amidst the jangling of her charm bracelet that was roughly the size and density of a car's snow chains.

We made it through, barely and very much scathed, and I thought I'd never have to go through anything like that again. It was like what being trapped in a prison riot must be like and so, so horrible.

I don't know if I can do that again. We'll see, I guess.

Oh boy, CARS!!! Vrooooooom!!!!

Sorry, just practicing so I'll blend in.


Blogger Dave Syndrome said...

Remember how I jumped up on my chair and shouted, "fuggindaROCKfugginROOLES!!" and made devil horns with my fingers, and then the whole place like went apeshit and they were all like "WOOOOOOYEAAAAAAHDAFUGGINROCKHOOOT!!!" and we rushed the screen and tore it to pieces and ate the pieces and set fire to the place and we all died. It was awesome. Sometimes when I think about The Scorpion King, I storm a daycare center with a shotgun and a roll of masking tape. Because you can't ignore the voices, man. Not the voices.

10:53 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Oh, dude, I so remember that. You were all like crazy and I was like, "Dude, this is what I do for my job man, chill out." And then you turned to me, and I've never seen such clear eyes, and you said, "We're at the fuggin' Scorpion King" and it all clicked and I asked if you'd, please, burn the place to the ground and salt the earth so nothing would ever grow again.

Then we went to Wing Zone and you got Cheese Fries and I got Hot Wings and we played GTA:3 'til dawn.

11:49 AM  

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