UPDATE: I have now switched to eating straight wasabi paste on my crackers. I found the package of wasabi in a drawer, under some files. It seems that it can always get worse. That is all.
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In case you were wondering what my poverty-stricken self was having for lunch today (and really, how could you not be after the tantalizing description of my previous saltines and fast food Ranch dressing repast), allow me to fill you in:
Currently, I'm having a hearty, man-sized glass of refreshing water. It's deliciously flavorless, just slightly above lukewarm and served in an elegant plastic cup fit for someone who waits on the people who wait on a King.
Ah, but that's merely the prelude to the main course. The feast doesn't end there, no, no, no...
For my lunch, proper, I'm having Saltines again, because why mess with cheap, cheap perfection? This time, however, I'm dunking them into a small container of unwanted pizza sauce that came with my cubicle-mate Andrew's stromboli. That's right! Not only is my lunch pathetic, but it also comes with a side dish of scavenger's shame!
God... I've totally become the poor, smelly kid in the cafeteria who lives off the scraps of others because his mom's an alcoholic and is always too hungover to pack him a lunch.
Anyway. You gonna eat that?
Although I've never been to a Red Lobster, I feel certain that "side dish of scavenger's shame" is on their menu.
ReplyDeleteWhere have you been?!
ReplyDeleteI miss you.
I just threw my tasty sandwich away.
ReplyDeleteJust because.
Jeff... Yeah, you don't want to order it. It's just a sad-faced longshoreman who sits at your table and trys to steal your food while crying.
ReplyDeleteJared... I'm broke, dude! Quit calling me. It's over.
Lioux... You BASTARD!!!
You'll be back, Clinton.
ReplyDeleteYou'll be back.
this just makes me want to weep. salty tears of nostalgia. when i was a kid, we were so poor that my mom would fix us saltines with butter on them and give us instant milk to drink.
ReplyDeletei still kind of miss those days.
Jared... foul temptress...
ReplyDeleteD... Mmmm, instant milk. Been there, dude. College, though, when I took a certain pride in my brokeness.
I was looking for interesting ways to save money once and decided I could save a lot by replacing two meals a day with diet pills. They made me super hyper and always feeling full. Hey wait a minute, that might have been one of my interesting ways to loose weight. In any event, it was a good program.
ReplyDeletePill popping is awesome.
ReplyDeleteJeff... Unless the diet pills taste like a double bacon cheeseburger, I'm probably not interested.
ReplyDeleteLioux... My readers, ladies and gentlemen.
What happens when you run out of saltines?
ReplyDeleteI prolly shouldn't tell you I had to throw out leftover filet mignon, huh?
ReplyDeleteIt had turned moldy though.
You could take up a crystal meth habit, and never feel hungry. Heck, you can even lose weight, and maybe some teeth!
Cheese... Then I'll turn to my Post-It notes. They taste all right with a little dipping sauce.
ReplyDeleteBig Daddy... You know, I've been meaning to try crystal meth for, like, EVER! Finally, an excuse!!!
Mmmm, double bacon cheeseburger flavored diet pills.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I'll start making extra for dinner and shipping the leftovers to BayRidge... this cannot go on
ReplyDelete~irish
catsup and hot water make a tasty soup.
ReplyDeletenot that i'd know.
this one time in college, I was so broke I shoplifted bean dip from the (Sloans?) grocery store on Sixth and like east 10th street. I deliberately chose a grocery store slightly outside of my normal grocery store range, to better conceal my broke, bean-dip-shoplifting ways. I paid for a bag of chips but the bean dip went through the checkout line inside my coat.
ReplyDeleteThe moral of the story? When you get broke, you apparently get compelled to dip stuff.
shit, what's the statute of limitations on shoplifting bean dip? crap. Forget I said all this.
duh west 10th
ReplyDeleteIrish... Aw, you're the sweetest! It's cool though; I'm actually kind of enjoying my condiment lunches. I'm sure it will eventually lead to the failure of my liver just THAT much sooner, but still. What a ride.
ReplyDeleteQuin... I am SO going to try that tomorrow. I have a bajilion ketchup packets in my desk and those babies ain't doing nothing but taking up space right now. Time to get my soup on!
Pigeon... If you're going to shoplift something, bean dip is definately a good way to go. Hummus is also acceptable. Possibly worse: I once shoplifted allergy medicine because I was too broke to buy it properly, but my roommates cat was making my head explode.
dude, i could put ranch on dog shit, and i would still think it was the tastiest thing I have ever had.
ReplyDeleteMy point is...ranch+saltines = a tasty treat.
if you're ever poor in your next life, hope for breasts. then you get free meals and drinks.
Or I could just get a sex change in THIS life. Though that probably wouldn't help my financial situation any.
ReplyDeleteEither way, I'm glad we both agree that Ranch dressing is da bomb! Also bleu cheese dressing.
Just think, if I didn't bring you that deliciously bland marinara sauce, you could be dead of starvation by now.
ReplyDeleteHave you really been dipping your crackers in wasabi? I think I just threw up...actually, I'm just kidding. We wouldn't want you sifting through my puke for last night's dinner.
I've been there.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying not to get all worked up about how impossible it is to get ahead in NYC if you're not an investment banker or married to one.
I have not ruled out marrying an investment banker, dude or otherwise. I'm sure Girlfriend would understand.
ReplyDeletewow, if you married an investment banker, you could dip your saltines in money.
ReplyDeleteI bet Ranch tastes better.
Hmmm... dunno... money tastes pretty good. It tastes like the freedom to sleep late and drink all the time.
ReplyDeleteTo me, anyway.