Friday, July 31, 2009

Abe Lincoln Disapproves of My Late Night Eating Habits

The drive-thru of a Whataburger, 3am
Abe Lincoln: Four score and seven... hold up... are we at Whataburger?
Me: Er... yes.
Abe Lincoln: But C-dog, it's 3am. Eating greasy fast food this late at night is so bad for your health. Don't you want to grow up big and strong like me, Abe Lincoln?
Me: Were you big and strong? I mean I know you cured slavery with your death ray, but weren't you just tall and kind of sickly. I think I saw that on The History Channel.
Abe Lincoln: The History Channel is full of lies! They ran a documentary last week about how George Washington was the greatest president of all time! My skinny cock he was. HE HAD SLAVES!!! I didn't have slaves. I freed the slaves.
Me: With your death ray, I know.
Abe Lincoln: God damn right with my death ray. Fucking George Washington. Thinks he's so great because he's on the quarter. The penny is just fine!
Me: Penny is pretty cool, dude, I agree.
Abe Lincoln: It's made of copper!
Me: I don't think that's right.
Abe Lincoln: Don't argue with the greatest president of all time, you fat piece of human garbage.
Me: You're pretty mean, Abe Lincoln.
Abe Lincoln: You don't get on the penny by playing nice, C-dog. You gotta slit a lot of throats to have your face slapped on that motherfucker.
Me: Well... look... I'm going to go ahead and order... you hungry?
Abe Lincoln: Now that you mention it, I could really assassinate a hot apple pie...
Me: Too soon, Abe Lincoln... too soon...

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Still Life with Fat Ass

NOTE: The pizza represents man's inhumanity to man, while the Bud Ice speaks to our deep, inner-longing to purchase that what gets us drunk at a reasonable price. The Reese's Peanut Butter Cups do not represent anything; they are merely delicious.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Screaming Junior High Death Eagle of Death

This terrifying fucker was painted on one wall of the junior high gym where my stepbrother was playing a basketball game. Like... I get why it's there... the school's mascot is the eagle, clearly, and this is meant to be all, "We're big and strong and will tear you apart with our razor-sharp talons, GO TEAM," but c'mon. There's fronting for the sake of school spirit and then there's the kind of overkill that leaves both teams too scared to come out of their respective locker rooms. The must have to constantly be mopping up the fear-pee during regular season matches.

And I had taken on a few strong margaritas before I rolled up to the gym, so you can imagine how intense the whole experience was for me. This scary-ass bird combined with the squeaking of all those sneakers on a hardwood floor. Living nightmare, man. I could barely hold the camera straight, my hands were shaking so bad.

That might have been from the booze, though.

Nah, it was the eagle. That thing wanted to kill me bad, I could tell.

NOTE: The horror was mitigated slightly by the fact that the eagle has a clock where his eagle dong should be. His eagle dong let me know when I could get the fuck out of there! Thanks, eagle dong!!!

Saturday, July 18, 2009

I Am Artsy

Holy shit, I created some art! I was just fucking around with the spork that came with my Taco Bueno nachos and then all of a sudden... BLAMMO! Art all up in here like MoMA took a dump in my sad little apartment. Check it out:

Spork Will Eat Itself

Doesn't that just say everything there is to say about the human condition? Doesn't it make you question the bedrock ideas and beliefs that you've used as the foundation upon which you've built the very essence of yourself? Doesn't it kinda make you want to touch yourself down there in your area?
Yeah, it totally does all of those things. I'm so good at making art, you guys! I am going to take over the art world like a motherfucking Stormtrooper army on steroids and Red Bull. Today, Arlington, TX... tomorrow, the world!!!
Anyway, I'm selling this piece of art for $10,000 or a case of medium quality beer and a container of Tabasco-flavored Slim Jims. Let the bidding war commence!!!

Friday, July 17, 2009

The Dawning of a New Era in ZFS! Entertainments

Oh my god, you guys...

Why the fuck didn't any of you tell me that working AND going to school was like getting gangbanged by a bunch of mean tornadoes in a rocket ship screaming towards the Sun? I've never... literally NEVER... been this busy in my entire life. Granted, for most the last ten years I've done everything in my power to avoid any kind of responsibility and, in doing so, have basically laid around drunk in a fart cloud for a decade, but still... BUT STILL.

As I've mentioned before, this busyness has precluded any sort of blogging. However, the winds of change are a-blowin' here in Arlington, TX. See, the thing is this:

I got a new phone.

A fancy fucking new phone all shiny like a robot right before it destroys a major metropolis. It does tricks, yo. It sends emails and has a touch screen and Tetris and it brings me fresh linens when I soil mine in the opium den and it makes a mean PB&J. But the BEST part about my new phone is that it's also a digital camera. And I can email those pictures directly to this blog! Or, you know, basically.

Soooooo... suddenly, it just got a whole lot sexier up in here! At least with regards to my ability to update ZFS! in a more timely fashion. There is, quite frankly, nothing particularly sexy about me or my situation this morning. My room, for one thing, might not smell great. Also, I'm wearing a pair of XXL running shorts that appear to be stained with last night's BBQ sauce. Not a metaphor. When I throw down on some ribs, the sauce be flyin'. Am I right, ladies???

Anyway, so yeah. I'm going to start taking pictures of things and posting them here and we can all have a big gut laugh together. Also, I've missed you guys. Not blogging has been totally gaybones.

But enough about me. Let's get a photographin'...

For the inaugural pic, I thought about taking a picture of a Texas flag waving stoically in the breeze, or maybe a high-quality shot of my ball sack, but in the end I decided to go all left-field on your asses and present you with this:

My Creepy Care Bear Bank

This is my creepy Care Bear bank. It's on a shelf in my room right now and it has about twenty dollars worth of nickles crammed up its butt. You can tell by the expression on its little fuzzy face that is NOT happy about the situation. When the moon is full, I'm pretty sure I can hear it climb down from its perch, jinglin' and janglin', searching for a serrated knife it can use to slice my Achilles tendons so I'll collapse like an imploding casino and then it can go to work on my face. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what happens. Creepy fucking Care Bear bank. And why has it stolen my remote?!?!
Yeah, so there's that. Blogging to recommence at a semi-regular pace, henceforth. It has been too long away and, let's be honest, the world needs me right now. I am happiness. I am the way and the light. I am... C-DOG.
Well I guess we're gonna have to take control
(all on our own)
If it's up to us, we've got to take it home
(all on our own)