Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Top Chef: New York - Finale, Pt. 2
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
The Countdown to Radio Silence Has Begun
The short version: Not much.
The slightly longer version: As I've mentioned, we're moving out of our apartment very soon; Friday, to be specific. From then until next Thursday, I'll be crashing at Girlfriend's new place, which, sadly, will not have the internet (rather, it won't be hooked up yet). On the 5th of March, I'll be flying back to Texas and will immediately be consumed by finding a job, getting myself set up in the new digs (more on that at a later date), and various other moving-back-home miscellany.
So... tomorrow I will post the recap of the Top Chef finale. After that, barring a few odds and ends, I would expect a week or two of radio silence (as it were) until I get myself fully settled in Arlington.
This will be the longest break I've ever taken from writing on this site and, for reals, it will hurt me more than it hurts you. But please, be strong... try not to make a scene... don't cry out loud, just keep it inside, learn how to hide your feelings... etc.
Anyway, that's the plan. As I said, Top Chef tomorrow, and then... gone like a cool breeze. At least for a little while. But I shall return... OH YES... I shall return!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
When I Move Back Home, I Hope I Get To Solve A Bunch Of Murders
Monday, February 23, 2009
The Oscars or Celebrity Halloween?
...a speed-metal roadie delivering a toast at the wedding of the guy who runs the light board.
Tilda Swinton as...
...a Bulgarian avant-garde performer dealing with his/her dad's alcoholism by dressing up like a Black & Tan.
Melissa Leo as...
... your mom at her fourth wedding, the one's that's finally gonna take, she's got a good feeling about this one, he drives a truck for a living so... you know... those guys is good people.
Robert Pattinson as...
...all the STDs in the world, but if they were a junior high art class sculpture carved out of formal grease.
Lisa Rinna as...
...a cautionary tale parents tell their kids about what happens to you when you move to Los Angeles and use plastic surgery to remove your soul so it can be gently stuffed into your lips.
Miley Cyrus as...
...an old lady's prized collection of Victorian lace swatches that are way out of their league.
Mickey Rourke as...
...the ghost of a cowboy who legend has it appears late at night on a cruise ship to wait tables and try to sell you the stereo from his uncle's Trans Am.
Beyonce Knowles as...
...the walls of a classy Chinese restaurant run by a drag queen who uses it as a front for a rub-n'-tug parlor that will one day be caught in the middle of a political scandal involving a congressman who likes Chinese food, drag queens, and "happy endings."
Sophia Loren as...
...that song by Cake off their 1996 platinum album Fashion Nugget, "Italian Leather Sofa."
Philip Seymour Hoffman as...
...a cunning thief who just pulled off the heist of the century at a food court Mrs. Fields.
Jessica Biel as...
...herself in fifteen years, desperately trying to get someone... anyone... to label her a "MILF" so she can keep on working in Hollywood because lord knows the 7th Heaven acting chops ain't cutting it anymore.
Whoopi Goldberg as...
...a 1001 easy jokes for bloggers just getting their start making fun of celebrities.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
The Agony of an Old, TGI Friday's Mudslide
Friday, February 20, 2009
Friday Morning Hodgepodge
So yeah... my muscles and bones, etc... they think I'm a bastard. And I sort of agree with them.
Anyway, this concludes the "complain-y" portion of our Friday Morning Hodgepodge. Please be advised that I fully recognize that things could be way worse for me; I could have homeless heroin babies to deal with, I could accidentally drink Ebola, I could be the victim of a spontaneous alligator attack while taking a shower... I get it, I get it. Life ain't so bad. Still though... OUCH.
In an effort to score a little extra cash, I'm going to be working an event Monday night for a friend of mine... waiter-y type stuff, I think, though there's the possibility of some light stripping as well (whether they want me to or not). This is all well and good... money be money, after all... but there's a small issue I'm having with the dress code and I thought, hey, maybe you fashionable, stylish people could help a brother out? I've been told to "wear anything I want, as long as it's Upscale Casual."
How exactly does one define Upscale Casual? Because my first thought is a leisure suit and surely that's not what they mean. So what then? Top hat and khakis? A monocle and a shirt with no visible stains? Prom dress over flannel pajama pants?
I'll wear any of those things, mind you... I need the money, plus I already own several amazing prom dresses (what can I say, I like to crash awkward dances in hotel ballrooms)... I just need to know what's the right look. Eh... maybe I'll just Bedazzle the shit out of my jeans and go as the concept of "A Fun Night Out." Ah, planning outfits when you're drunk sure is... am I right?
You've probably seen this already as I believe it's been ping-ponging all over the net this past week, but if you HAVEN'T... well then, ready yourself for a heart-hurting adventure in stomach destroying awe/terror. Kiddos, I give you...
This Is Why You're Fat
This link was sent to me a couple of weeks ago by former, fellow Oakridge Owl and future, Arlington-based drinking associate Scott H. and I literally don't think I'll ever be the same again. It's a gallery of the most extremely awesome, extremely disgusting, EXTREEEME foods you'll ever see... The Corn Dog Pizza, The McNuggettini, the Mega Double-Stuff Oreo, a bacon cheeseburger that uses Jamaican beef patties as buns... you get the picture.
Glorious stuff, for reals. If you have a weak constitution, it will all probably make you want to barf yourself into oblivion. However, if you're like me... well, it will just make you very, very hungry. Enjoy!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Top Chef: New York - Finale, Pt. 1
The truth is, Jeff almost won. Had Carla not just flat out clownstomped everybody, he WOULD have been the winner. The judges really didn't have anything bad to say about his dishes, plus his cocktail was the best of the night. Although, let me just say this: The thought of cucumber mixed with any sort of liquor makes me barf hard enough to travel through time. Sadly, as he was only there on a provisional basis, he was eliminated. Goodbye again, you blond vision of loveliness in check-pants...
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Things are absolutely cuckoo-bananas around here, kiddos. Our apartment currently looks like a bomb made of tornadoes had a rowdy kegger, there are construction crews working night and day building what appears to be a scale model replica of Kon-Tiki in our living room, and I'm covered in so much paint, I've been upgraded on the Sherman-Williams color chart from "Caucasian" to "Eggshell White."
Needless to say, blogging hasn't been happening at a rate with which I'm particularly pleased. And, sadly, it appears it's going to stay that way. We've done so much in the last few days and yet... and yet... we're only part of the way there. Thank god for fistfuls of trucker speed.
Anyway, sorry in advance about the forthcoming lack of posts. All I can offer you in the way of compensation is this video that features NOT ONLY obese men in unflattering sweaters, but also Freddy Krueger rapping. It is delightful:
See you on the other side of this nightmare. (see what I did there... NIGHTMARE... because it's Freddy... haha, I still got it!!!)
Monday, February 16, 2009
Let's Catalogue all the Unsettling Things About This Picture of J. Lo & Marc Anthony
Hey, Look, It's Some Kids Dressed Up Like Presidents Because It's President's Day
This picture is supposed to be inspiring... you know, like every kid can grow up to be the President if they eat a healthy breakfast and study math or whatever... but really it's just kind of creepy and sad. It makes me think about the parents who pimp their kids out as Halloween catalogue models and it makes me think about how these same kids are going to find their old costumes in a closet one day, years later, while searching for anything they can pawn for more drug money. They'll be brought to their knees by the concept of innocence lost and then... oh, then... their old costumes and dreams of success will drown in a river of heroin-laced tears.
Too bad, man... such a waste of life.
Anyway, happy President's Day! These kids, retroactively, hope you choke on your day off from work.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
I Found a Fake Mustache!!!
Hey kiddos... hope your weekend has treated you well. And I hope your Valentine's Day was a magical glitter-dream of chocolate-covered sex in a fancy restaurant where afterwards you read each other heartfelt card that really expressed your true feelings but also had pictures on them of the Transformers holding big, cartoon hearts.
Girlfriend and I don't really do the whole Valentine's Day thing... not that we don't have squishy emotions for each other... we do, of course. It's just that Valentine's costs a lot of money and, particularly this year, we're in the middle of a big move and it's just not smart to waste cash on a fancy meal when we should be applying it towards truck rentals and paying off landlords to help dispose of the bodies. So many kidnapped drifters in the crawlspace...
Anyway, that brings me to the main point of this post: Posting next week, though regular in it's frequency, will most likely be a little screwy in it's scheduling. See, Girlfriend is off all next week... the teachers up here get a "winter break," apparently... so we'll be using the time with both of us in the apartment to get the bulk of the packing, cleaning, re-painting, and so forth done. I'm sure I'll be able to find time to get my bloggin' on, because we can't do that shit ALL DAY, but I don't yet know when specifically those times will be.
So yeah... bear with me, is all I ask. I appreciate your handsome/gorgeous patience, you fabulous-smelling people, you.
NOTE: There's going to be some schedule disruptions, posting-wise, when I actually... you know... move across state lines, obviously, but we'll cross that bridge when I try to drag five years worth of my stuff over it.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Smell Ya Later, NYC
So... here's the scoop:
I have decided to move back home to Texas.
I'll give you a minute to compose yourselves; if anyone feels like they're going to faint, please go to the back of the internet and lie down for a bit. Profuse sorrow-vomiting is not only acceptable but expected.
NOTE: As C-dog waits for you to recover from his shocking announcement, he Googles the phrase "over-sized belt buckles are sexy" and makes a note to, later on today, when he has time, remember the Alamo.
Alright, pull it together people. You, the one openly weeping at their desk so dramatically that your office called security... sir, you've got to get a hold of yourself. It's not the end of the world. It's not even an inconvenience to the world. The world could give a shit about my city-hopping ways; it has polar ice caps to keep frosty and tectonic plates to shift around (the world enjoys scaring the crap out of Californians).
Now, I'll answer some questions if there's any details about my economic stimulus plan and/or my leaving New York City that you'd like further illuminated...
When are you leaving?
Soon. About three weeks or so.
Where exactly are you going?
Well I'm not going to give you the street address or anything, but I'm moving back to the town of my birth, Arlington, TX. If you're familiar with sports, it's where the Texas Rangers play and, soon, the Dallas Cowboys as well. If you're familiar with awesome metal bands, Pantera is from there. And if you're a fan of chain restaurants, we have a vast selection to choose from.
Why exactly are you doing this?
A few reasons. A lot of it has to do with me having been unemployed since mid-October, it looking like that's not going to change any time soon, and me currently being just about broke. My family... despite the fact that I really don't deserve it... have been kind enough to support me through this dark time and, as said time doesn't appear to be letting up, I'm tired of being a drain on both their finances and their well of patience and love.
Does it also have anything to do with the fact that you're pushing 30 and have done nothing whatsoever with your life and are, in fact, basically still living like a spoiled teenager?
While that's an oddly specific question for you to ask, the answer is yes. I'm going to use this time in Texas to go back to school. Get my sweet ass a degree that's actually useful. I'm thinking Philosophy, but I might get a BA in Poetic Theory if the teachers all promise to only speak in iambic pentameter.
Will ZFS! remain the world's premier source for poop jokes, easy attacks on celebrities, and pictures of an unpleasant fat guy jamming food in his face?
Of course. Blogs can be written from anywhere and, from what I understand, Texas got the internet last year so we should be all good.
Are you sad to be leaving?
Yes. I've lived in New York for about five years now and the city itself, not to mention those that also call it home, mean a lot to me. The people I've met here will hopefully be friends for life, even if they DO find out that it's been me stealing money from their wallets and purses to support my online gambling addiction. (live, streaming monkey fights hurt EVERYONE, kiddos... not just the monkeys)
What about Girlfriend?
I really shouldn't get into that, as it's a situation that doesn't just involve me. Let's just say that we're handling the whole thing as well and as maturely as can possibly be expected. Or at least SHE is. I constantly have mascara running down my face from all the crying.
Will you ride a horse while you're there?
Absolutely. There are no cars in Texas; everyone rides horses and works on a ranch and makes comical use of a spittoon. Except for J.R. Ewing; he lives in a mansion and is a bastard. Man, I hope somebody shoots him someday...
Is there anything about moving to Texas that you're looking forward to?
It will be cool to hang out with my family; I've lived away from home since I was 18, so getting the opportunity to reconnect with them sans the stress of major holidays will be nice. Also, living in Texas means there will be unlimited access to cheap, amazing BBQ. When I get really sad about leaving, I just think about eating my way out of smoked meats avalanche with only a bottle of sauce and a canteen full of potato salad at my side. That usually chases the blues away.
That about it? We're getting bored of your problems.
Yeah, that's basically all I wanted to say. Thanks for attending my thinly-veiled pity party, you buncha crazy kids.
Do you have a thematically appropriate Ozzy Osbourne song on which you'd like to end things?
Why, yes... yes I do:
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Top Chef: New York - Episode 12
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
What If Celebrities Were Sandwiches
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Responding to Your Comments From the Previous Post, But In ANOTHER Post...
Dear C-dog,Thanks for your missive of this February 10. Salt & Vinegar chips are the best chips evah. I'm not so interested in any of those topics. Sorry. Could you do something on athlete's foot? Oh.-lacochran (feel free to reply on my blog)
C-dog Says... Salt & Vinegar chips rock my ass, consistently and thoroughly. They're just so sharp and sassy, like an 80's sitcom neighbor but all up in my mouth. That's why I love them; they're like cultural time travel that's delicious.
CELEBRITY SANDWICHES. i would eat the shit out of Scarlet Johannsen's sandwich.
C-dog Says... That sounds kind of dirty, but also I totally agree with you.
I vote for the long promised conclusion to the zombie/liquor store in basement tale.....plus the clean-up of the blogroll as well....
C-dog Says... That story will be completed one day, but it might be many years from now and, given the state of things, it might be written in charcoal on the side of a burned-out building. What I mean to say is, THE END IS NIGH!!!
C-Dog,I'm sorry to hear about your feet, but dude, we've been telling you to put on a clean pair of socks for weeks now. You really shouldn't be surprised.I'm doing alright. I could stand to be a little more awesome as well, but I suppose that if my biggest problem right now is deciding how I'm going to incorporate bacon into my next meal w/o having to make it, then I'm doing just fine.If you could make a celebrity sandwich with bacon on it, I would eat it. I would probably hit the Scarlet Johannsen sandwich as well. I don't do girls, but let's face it, she's hot. And we look alike according to some people I used to work with, so it's okay if it's kind of like doin' yourself right? I mean eating. Yourself. ...right?So I'm voting for celebrity sandwiches. It will give me an idea of how to incorporate bacon into lunch every day.-MLo
C-dog Says... I like it when my socks try to walk under their own power. Their own stanky, stanky power... Also, dude, bacon doesn't need to be "incorporated;" that's for fancy businessmen and people that own land. Just fry it up and dump it on or in or even sorta near whatever you happen to be eating. It's bacon!!!
The Unbearable Banishment said...
I go with idea #2 because it looks like that will require the greatest effort on your part and I’m not one to let folks off easy.Re: your athlete’s foot (feet?). It’s like when I go back to Ohio. The only ones wearing running suites are the people who have never jogged a day in their lives.
C-dog Says... Effort and I, historically, have never really been friends. HOWEVER, I feel that I am drunk enough to be up to the challenge!!!
I'm voting for the interview with Lord Humongous. I'm sure he has a lot of helpful hints on surviving the apocalypse.However, celebrity sandwiches sounds good also but that's probably because I'm hungry at the moment. I'm going to have lunch and think it over.
C-dog Says... Lord Humongous TOTALLY has a lot of helpful hints, particularly the way I write him. I do still like the Celebrity Sandwich idea... so many delicious comparisons and subtle ways to infer that they're total douchebags...
Bill From Gainesville said...
Celebrity Sandwhiches are my vote. Thanks for asking it makes me feel like my voice has been heard and that people out in the world care about what I think!--Life is going okay, I have this thing I want to talk about but it would take a long time to just give all the background so that you could be up to date when I finally got to the whole point. I thought about blogging about it but it involves my Ex-wife and she sometimes reads it --- This is the stuff you would tell a Girlfriend but I dont have a girlfriend so it has to be bottled up. That's how I am doing .
C-dog Says... Hey dude, I hear ya. I constantly have stuff bottled up inside me and one day it's going to explode all over a bunch of people who so didn't need the drama, were in fact just trying to have a quick meal at a Whataburger and seriously aren't cool with the fat guy crying on their fries. That's just life, I guess. Anyway, I hope you're doing alright and I hope that the thing you need to talk about isn't an STD.
The Imaginary Reviewer said...
Hello, first time reader, first time commenter. I like the second option. Oh, and I'm not going to steal your ideas, but the phrase "I will kill you in your face" has been noted in my Big Book of Things I'm to Start Saying All the Time. Hope this is okay.
C-dog Says... Hey, by all means dude. Enjoy the phrase and, if you ever happen to make any money off of it, know that I will indeed kill you in your face. Thanks for reading and sorry I threatened you just now!!!
Ummm. #2. Celebrity Sandwiches.Doye.I'm also enjoying all the '#2' talk in the running commentary.
C-dog Says... That's our Lioux; a man that digs his poo-centric humor. This is why he's beloved.
Jack Burden said...
Given a choice between anything and Lord Humongous, I always go for Lord Humongous. The man's got style.
C-dog Says... He rocked a hockey mask and sweaty muscles better than just about anyone, there's no denying this.
jason quinones said...
i'm still waiting for you to finish your liquor run story....but if i had to choose...the Lord Humongous gets my vote! if for nothing else than to imagine you in assless chaps.
C-dog Says... I look spectacular in assless chaps. Know this much is true.
I love the celebrity Sammichez idea XD haha (and lol @ tigerbait's comment)About your athlete's foot, I hope you're using cream and/or spray for it , cuz it's very contagious and you don't want it in other places... *a-herm* ... spray all your shoes and socks and wash all your socks. Don't walk around barefoot :( . I cought it when I was 15 at cadet camp, and it's a bitch to get rid of. Remember, it's a fungus, so you gotta kill it. As for my life? I had to go bring my 14 month old boy for his shots today :( I felt like a bad person lol. good thing I drugged the shit out of him with baby Tylenol before we went, he didn't really know what was going on lol. I want more sleep... story of my life<3>
C-Dog Says... I assume you're referring to the crotch? The crotch is, thus far, un-tainted (ha!) by any sort of itch. Thanks for the concern though! Also, dude, I can't even imagine dealing with a 14 month old kid right now. Good for you for rocking out the Mom-jams. I can talk all day about silly pop culture junk and how I'm awesome but... for reals... you're the one kicking all the ass there is to kick.
Hey everyone!....Come check out my new post on Celebrity Sandwiches!!!
C-dog Says... I WILL DESTROY YOU!!! Lord Humongous, go kill him in his face!!! Watch out for his blistering rock fury!!!
Sonny Amou said...
Dude. Do the sandwiches. It's your wheelhouse. It beckons, o it does.SA.
C-dog Says... That's kind of where I'm leaning, but honestly I'll probably just end up doing all of these at some point. Though I'm kind of surprised there's been no love for the romantic mummy. The thought of that ALONE is enough to give me the giggles.
Big Daddy said...
Sammich FTW!As for me personally, I am contemplating making a stop by Mickey D's for a Cheeseburger Happy Meal™.
C-dog Says... I hope your Happy Meal truly, TRULY made you happy. That's all I want, folks; I just want us all to be happy. God, I'm so benevolent.
While I am one of the noted horny middle schoolers with a thing for fictional vampires, I'd go with the celebrity sandwiches. Can it be several celebrities stuck together and covered in onion dip? 'Cause that would be the best thing ever.
Onion dip can be arranged, but I do need to talk to all the celebrities various publicists and handlers. Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston can't be in the same foodstuff because of how he shanked her and, also, the Desperate Houswives ladies all hate each other and Miley Cyrus has crabs so she really shouldn't be in the onion dip with anyone else.
(hope Miley Cyrus doesn't sue me!!!)
Bloggin' - A Behind the Scenes Peek (and some other crap too!)
Thing is... I'm unmotivated to finish ALL THREE of them. I am also uninspired. And unwashed (but that's always). Unpantsed, too. Oh, and I'm always un-not-handsome. (that means I'm totally handsome)
So, I'm going to tell you my ideas and then you can tell me which one of them you'd MOST like to see. We'll do a poll! Or something not so lame. A raffle? That's not quite right.
Well anyway, here's my three post ideas... U Pick-'Em:
1. A post that spoofs the current, creepy Twilight trend of turning monsters into hearthrobs that junior high chicks want to nail; it involves a romantic mummy.
2. A post about what if celebrities were sandwiches.
3. A post that's a hypothetical interview about the upcoming Apocalypse with Lord Humongous from Road Warrior.
The third one is the one that's the most done, the second one is really just in the conceptual stage, and for the first one, all I've done is pick out a bunch of pictures of mummies.
Also, let me say this: IF ANY OF YOU STEAL MY IDEAS FOR POSTS, I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN IN THE DESERT LIKE A CRAZY BILLIONAIRE. I OWN SEVERAL GUNS (well, I can throw a rock pretty hard) AND I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR FACE!!!
So that's kind of where I'm at today. Also... and this is a wild topic-switch but fuck it, it's my blog, I can do whatever the hell I want... I've got athlete's foot.
Athlete's Foot... me... the least athletic person on the planet that's not currently the subject of a freak show documentary on The Learning Channel. I don't know how this happened. I haven't been running wind sprints with plastic bags around my feet. I haven't been trudging through the swamps of Vietnam. I haven't recently let my toes rest in a rich slurry of top soil, sleet, and manure.
So what gives? Why you fucking with me, my feet? Just who exactly do you think you are???
Man, I don't even know what's going on anymore. The world is just crazy. Feet be hurtin', blog be giving me troubles, there's a dead guy in my hallway that I'm pretty sure I killed in a dream BUT NOW HE'S REAL!!! (don't want to get into it)
Life, man... am I right?!?!
But how are you doing. Let's have a conversation. About the aforementioned blog posts, yes, but about YOU as well. How's your life in this, these troubled times? Let's get a dialogue going! Let's connect on an emotional level, guys!!! We can DO THIS!!!
"Hello, readers... I'm C-dog, as you know. I am pretty awesome, but could stand to be a lot awesomer. I'm eating Salt & Vinegar chips right now."
Now you go. I eagerly await your reply.
Monday, February 09, 2009
I give you, longingly, while weeping...
Freddy Krueger Nikes
It looks like his sweater, and there are blood splatters!!! But that's not even the best part... check out the soles:
IT'S JUST LIKE HIS BURNED FACE!!!
I can hardly stand it, for real you guys. I might shit myself.
And here's the real suck... apparently they were only released in Europe. Like Europe REALLY appreciates the genius of Nightmare on Elm Street like I do. Europe is a bunch of dicks. (unless you're European and read ZFS!; then you're a-okay)
Alright, so technically I could still get these if I wanted to; they have some on eBay for about $150. But, shit, that is SO money I don't have... not to spend on sweet-ass shoes, anyway. Unless the shoes are also a job that pays the rent and they come with a year's supply of Easy Mac. Then maybe I could justify the purchase.
Otherwise... I can only dare to dream.
HAHAHAHA... GET IT?!?! Because Freddy appeared in people's dreams!!! God, I'm so fucking good at blog writing.
The Grammys or Celebrity Halloween?
... a science fiction high priestess of a religion devoted to a god that proves it's existence by turning pee into clothes.
Kim Kardashian as...
... a desperate piece of plastic that got stuck in a cloud.
Bai Ling as...
... a piece of candy from your grandmother's purse that gives you herpes and tries to steal your watch.
The Jonas Brothers as...
... date rape at the Senior Prom after-party.
Katy Perry as...
... a real-life Betty Boop raised in the retro trailer park where crystal meth was born.
John Mayer as...
... a foreign exchange student named Miklos who loves "American party" and hopes to "make anal with braces girl from Color Guard."
Jay Mohr and Nikki Cox as...
... an embarrassed Accounts Receivable manager showing off an old, leather boot he found at a garage sale.
Cyndi Lauper as...
...a recovering alcoholic substitute teacher going on a third date while trying to shrug off a jellyfish attack.
... a coordinated version of the homeless gentleman that performs gospel tunes on the subway for spare change if you got it, or perhaps just a piece of fruit or a granola bar.
Whitney Houston as...
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Help Your Favorite Blogger (Your Favorite Blogger Is Me) (C-dog)
It would also be nice if the free download didn't melt my computer from the inside with viruses, spyware, and/or sexually transmitted diseases. My laptop SO does not need crabs again.
Thanks for your help, you wonderfully pleasant people, you!!! I will reward you all with attractively-Photoshopped images of my dong.
Friday, February 06, 2009
Well... turns out... I was a bit premature with that announcement.
Had a big meeting with my potential employer, yesterday, to hammer out the details of my new job. It was at this meeting that it quickly became apparent that said potential employer had not been upfront with me on a few key points. For one thing, this job was to be completely "off the books," as in, "illegal." I've worked that kind of job before... Kim's Video in the East Village, which was run by the Korean mafia... and, trust me, it wasn't an experience I'm too keen on repeating. The other issue... and this one is my favorite... my potential employer wouldn't give me a salary quote. Meaning, he wouldn't tell me how much I was going to be making. What he specifically said, which is priceless, was this:
"I don't really know how much you're worth, yet, ya know? Why don't you come work for a couple of weeks so I can judge for myself, then we'll discuss it."
I know, right?
So... yeah... not going to be taking that job, obviously. Too sketchy. A fact that I wish I had discovered a week ago, before I got all excited and shot my mouth off on the internet. That's the worst part... I feel like a fucking idiot for getting my hopes sky high, for bragging about my new-found employment before I actually had all the facts at hand. A dumb move on my part and, believe me, I'm paying for it now in disappointed tone-of-voice phone calls from family members and sad-face icons in Instant Messages from friends.
So... what now?
Well, shit... kiddos... I have no idea. I suppose I'll keep looking for jobs here in New York, at least for a little while. Complicating matters, we're moving out of our apartment at the end of the month. So... I've basically got to find a job AND a new place to live in about three weeks. Which is just so awesome, I can hardly stand it without barfing all over myself.
To tell you the truth... and I never thought I'd say this... but the thought of moving back home to Arlington, TX... where things are NOT perfect, I know, but where things ARE at least a little cheaper and the job market isn't quite as dire... is beginning to hold a lot of appeal. Not saying I'm definitely going to do that, mind you. Just sayin' it has crossed my mind a few times in the past 24 hours or so.
But that's for the future, I guess. Only thing to do now is pick myself up, dust myself off, and get right back on the bucking, snorting bronco that IS job-hunting in a grim economic climate such as this one. Fun times, my friends... fun times and happy days.